It's difficult to write when you don't have much in the way of hopes or ambitions. It's difficult to sympathize with the conflicts of your characters or to craft believable stories for them. There was a time when I truly enjoyed writing and the ideas came easily. My writing was bad, but I did it and wasn't critical of my work. If I'd kept at it maybe my writing would have eventually become good, but it's not and I'm smart enough to realize my shortcomings without being quite wise enough to correct them.
Tropes are important to crafting a relatable story and originality isn't everything. I keep asking myself--do I have something unique to say? Is that important? Maybe it's more important that my characters are real. The question is do I have the capability to craft believable characters when I'm such a husk of a human being myself? Am I really a good enough thinker to create characters that are sympathetic?
For the longest time my only ambition has been to indulge in something creative, whatever that might be. As time passes, I spend less and less time on creative endeavors and just spend more time playing video games and fucking around on the internet. My brain has long since turned to mush and I fear its past recovery. I am dimly aware of incomplete solutions to my problems but lack the motivation to follow up on them.
I'm writing this without looking back to proofread or copy edit. it's kind of liberating, I guess, as I relentlessly police every word that I type. My only rule is that I can't backspace, unless it is to correct a spelling/grammar error. Word choices are permanent. Will this exercise reveal previously hidden aspects of my writing style? Of my personality? Thoughts that linger beneath the surface seldom expressed?
There are so many things that I don't know. Its so difficult to hold a coherent thought. Maybe I have some kind of psychological problem. Maybe I'm overthinking it. I have a tendency to jump to conclusions when it comes to perceived maladies. I try to think logically about these things but it just results in being of two minds about everything. Maybe so, maybe not. It's maddening; it's a wonder I even manage to function on a basic level.
