It's been roughly two weeks since I've updated this thing, but my schedule as a whole has remained largely the same. I've been playing a lot of video games. In fact, it's safe to say I'm playing more than before. This month is pretty crazy as far as new game releases go. On the 13th (only a few days after my last update), the new World of Warcraft expansion, Warlords of Draenor came out. I decided to give it a try despite my skepticism. I liked Mists of Pandaria but I wasn't sure about what I'd heard about his new expansion. Many abilities have been pruned and rotations and playstyles have been simplified.
I shouldn't have worried. Warlords of Draenor is fantastic and breathes life into a game that has become somewhat stagnant. I can't say that I've experienced the breadth of content the expansion has to offer, but because I've hit level 100, I can say I've definitely played enough of it to give a fair impression. The vast majority of my play time thus far has been on my blood elf paladin, Radelle. I've spent more time on her than any other character, by my estimation. It might be a close race with some of my old Alliance characters because I can recall many all-day heroic dungeon fests on my human priest, Isara. I really miss that class and I'm wondering if I maybe should have used my free level 90 boost on my troll priest instead of druid--but it's too late to worry about that now.
As a whole, many of the new zones (some of which are remixes on old Outlands zones from the classic Burning Crusade expansion) are beautiful to look at and feature tons of solid quests and content to explore. Each zone is positively littered with treasures in out-of-the-way places. Because it is not yet possible to fly in the new Draenor zones, many of these treasures require some level of creativity to acquire--as well as the use of such novelty items as the Goblin Hang Glider. These treasures generally reward you with gold, garrison resources (more on that later) and ultimately, satisfaction.
Exploration is generally very heavily rewarded in Warlords of Draenor. In addition to the aforementioned treasures, each zone features a large number of unique and powerful boss mobs not directly tied to any of the area's quests. These bosses serve as interesting optional objectives and reward players with unique item drops. Many of them will require assistance from other players, but many classes will have few issues with soloing them. Other optional objectives feature in every zone and can only be completed once. These objectives boast impressive experience and gold rewards at the expense of usually being quite time consuming.
The most satisfying and notable feature introduced in Warlords of Draenor is, for my money, the garrison. Each player gains access to their own instanced base of operations during one of the game's early quests that can be customized and upgraded to the player's liking. Soon, a variety of followers obtained by various means will come streaming into this base. These followers can be assigned to garrison buildings and/or sent on missions to acquire gold, experience, and other rewards. Each follower has specific abilities and traits that serve a variety of different purposes and counter different threats. A follower with the Heroic Leap ability counters the Danger Zones threat, for instance, and will be much more likely to succeed on a mission in which this is a factor. Before followers are dispatched, you are given a percentage likelihood of success. I rarely send them off if it's below 90% because I don't want to waste my hard-earned garrison resources.
Overall, I feel Warlords of Draenor is a tremendously successful expansion and I'm looking forward to playing it regularly in the months to come. I'm already cutting my teeth on some of the endgame dungeons and I'm pleasantly surprised at their difficulty! I'm sure I'd be playing the game nonstop if not for the fact that November has been an absolutely insane month for new releases. Just two days ago I purchased the new Super Smash Bros for Wii U and Pokemon Alpha Sapphire. Two days from now I'll be purchasing Persona Q for 3DS. There'll be more on those to come, but for now I'm going to have to get back to it!
Sunday, November 23, 2014
Monday, November 10, 2014
Climb
So, it actually feels pretty refreshing to not feel obligated to update every day, but at the same time I really wonder what I've lost with my decision. It's ten days into the month and I've only updated a single time. It was a decent entry--but let's stop and think about this for a second. I used to be able to come up with something to say every single day and only occasionally did I feel like I was really struggling to come up with topics for discussion. I don't want to become complacent. If the quality of my writing was wavering, then fine--it's good that I've done this. It's good that I'm making more of an effort to relax and not subject myself to so many personal challenges. Besides, the challenges I impose on myself aren't usually the most productive ones. They usually involve video games or writing. That's really it. Obviously I care about these two things a lot, but I'm not getting the things accomplished that I wanted to do--like working out and like cleaning my house. I've talked about these things so much but they're still not done, not consistently.
What is it that I'm waiting for exactly? Am I expecting someone to give me a nudge to accomplish the things I want to do? Shouldn't that desire be all that I need? As disheartening as it might be sometimes, I have to seriously come to terms with the fact that I am aging rapidly and I need to learn how to motivate myself and to seriously try to accomplish the things that I want for myself. I can talk all I want about taking baby steps and setting small goals for myself--and believe me, I have! I've talked about it a lot. But I can't even follow up on those goals so I don't know why I keep hoping I can accomplish greater things. The things I want aren't just going to fall into my lap. I have to make an effort and keep climbing the hill, even when it's uncomfortable for me to go on.
I made a small list of things that I wanted recently--and for a period of time I did my best to go after those things. I spent a lot of money on clothes and I got a drastic haircut. I loved the clothes but grew to hate the haircut. I let my dissatisfaction grow into obsession until I could barely concentrate on what I was doing on a daily basis. I got a second haircut in an effort to repair the first one--and I like it now for the most part, even if it's still not quite what I want. It's so frustrating to me that I can't ever get things to work just the way I'd like. It's frustrating that I put a lot of myself into something but then I lose motivation and succumb to depression--and I backslide. I slide down the hill and I'm overwhelmed with the work it would require to climb back up. It happens over and over in ways big and small.
This blog served as an anchor for me in my life. It was something that I did every day and tried really hard to accomplish. But I think I also used it as a crutch. I felt like if I took the time to write a blog entry every night then I wouldn't feel bad when I didn't do other things like clean or exercise. Or socialize. Now that I'm not updating as frequently, I'm finding more time for these things. I'm not exercising nearly often enough, and cleaning has certainly been an intermittent thing. I've been hanging out with a friend of mine every so often, though. I even drove to a nearby town I've been afraid of driving in for years. I'm trying to break out of my comfort zone a little. I'm taking baby steps--but I still can't find it in myself to be satisfied or anywhere even close to content.
I need to make greater strides in changing myself--but every time I think about the work that would require, I am consumed by the enormity of it. It's terrifying. But you know, if I really think about it, I have changed in a lot of ways over the last year or so. I don't think I'll ever be this incredible social butterfly. I'll always be anxious and nervous in social situations. The only thing I can change is how easily I take those emotions in stride, how easily I cope with them. I think what I've improved on the most is the ability to be self aware and to be honest with myself. I feel like I'm not the kind of person that has to pretend that he's something he's not. I'm a nerd. I'm not masculine. I'm overweight and uncomfortable in social situations. I think these things will always be true to a certain extent. I'm learning to embrace these things about myself. Grappling with body image issues is by far the most difficult aspect of that for me.
I'm not ready to say goodbye to this blog. I'm not going silent. There's still a ton I want to talk about and to write about. There's too much for me to express that I simply can't share with anyone else in my life. And yeah, I'll get back to the video games at some point. I'm still planning a huge retrospective entry on the games I've played this year to be written sometime in December. I think it might be a great idea to start planning it now. It's been on my mind lately. There's still quite a few big games coming out this month that will color my whole perspective on the year. I'll have plenty of writing material once this month is over.
What is it that I'm waiting for exactly? Am I expecting someone to give me a nudge to accomplish the things I want to do? Shouldn't that desire be all that I need? As disheartening as it might be sometimes, I have to seriously come to terms with the fact that I am aging rapidly and I need to learn how to motivate myself and to seriously try to accomplish the things that I want for myself. I can talk all I want about taking baby steps and setting small goals for myself--and believe me, I have! I've talked about it a lot. But I can't even follow up on those goals so I don't know why I keep hoping I can accomplish greater things. The things I want aren't just going to fall into my lap. I have to make an effort and keep climbing the hill, even when it's uncomfortable for me to go on.
I made a small list of things that I wanted recently--and for a period of time I did my best to go after those things. I spent a lot of money on clothes and I got a drastic haircut. I loved the clothes but grew to hate the haircut. I let my dissatisfaction grow into obsession until I could barely concentrate on what I was doing on a daily basis. I got a second haircut in an effort to repair the first one--and I like it now for the most part, even if it's still not quite what I want. It's so frustrating to me that I can't ever get things to work just the way I'd like. It's frustrating that I put a lot of myself into something but then I lose motivation and succumb to depression--and I backslide. I slide down the hill and I'm overwhelmed with the work it would require to climb back up. It happens over and over in ways big and small.
This blog served as an anchor for me in my life. It was something that I did every day and tried really hard to accomplish. But I think I also used it as a crutch. I felt like if I took the time to write a blog entry every night then I wouldn't feel bad when I didn't do other things like clean or exercise. Or socialize. Now that I'm not updating as frequently, I'm finding more time for these things. I'm not exercising nearly often enough, and cleaning has certainly been an intermittent thing. I've been hanging out with a friend of mine every so often, though. I even drove to a nearby town I've been afraid of driving in for years. I'm trying to break out of my comfort zone a little. I'm taking baby steps--but I still can't find it in myself to be satisfied or anywhere even close to content.
I need to make greater strides in changing myself--but every time I think about the work that would require, I am consumed by the enormity of it. It's terrifying. But you know, if I really think about it, I have changed in a lot of ways over the last year or so. I don't think I'll ever be this incredible social butterfly. I'll always be anxious and nervous in social situations. The only thing I can change is how easily I take those emotions in stride, how easily I cope with them. I think what I've improved on the most is the ability to be self aware and to be honest with myself. I feel like I'm not the kind of person that has to pretend that he's something he's not. I'm a nerd. I'm not masculine. I'm overweight and uncomfortable in social situations. I think these things will always be true to a certain extent. I'm learning to embrace these things about myself. Grappling with body image issues is by far the most difficult aspect of that for me.
I'm not ready to say goodbye to this blog. I'm not going silent. There's still a ton I want to talk about and to write about. There's too much for me to express that I simply can't share with anyone else in my life. And yeah, I'll get back to the video games at some point. I'm still planning a huge retrospective entry on the games I've played this year to be written sometime in December. I think it might be a great idea to start planning it now. It's been on my mind lately. There's still quite a few big games coming out this month that will color my whole perspective on the year. I'll have plenty of writing material once this month is over.
Monday, November 3, 2014
The Calm
Alright, so I decided to stop updating every day. It was honestly kind of a spur of the moment decision and although I still harbor doubts and feel a little bad about it, I think I mostly feel like it's the right thing to do. Forcing myself to write every single day is not actually all that healthy for keeping my creative juices flowing. It puts me in these situations far too often where I'm phoning it and slavishly adhering to some bogus self-imposed obligation. A lot of my entries comes across as pretty stilted and awkward for this reason. I can't think of exactly what to say so I ramble on endlessly and go on a lot of different tangents simply to fill up space. I'd like to not have to do this anymore. I'm not going to say it'll never happen again because I think it's safe to say that it will. Beyond everything else, this blog is a repository of my thoughts. Sometimes those thoughts go spinning wildly in different directions and there's not much I can do to contain them. This is exactly the time I should be writing entries in this blog.
A part of me is sad that I broke my streak--but if I'm being honest with myself there were several times that happened anyway and I double updated or otherwise fudged the rules to make up for it. I can't count the number of times I updated after midnight, for instance--and a number of times early on I completely forgot to update until the next morning. This kind of thing gradually petered off over time, but recently I've been feeling awfully clueless on what to actually say. It didn't feel as important or as necessary to keep these entries coming every single day. I was doing it because I'd gotten into the habit of it but it wasn't something that felt at fulfilling anymore. Not every day, at least. I shouldn't be writing these entries when I legitimately don't have anything to say.
I have been grappling with depression recently for a number of painfully trivial reasons. Most of the things that make me sad aren't actually all that significant when taken at face value or when taken separately. Lots of little things tend to snowball into making me miserable. It's part of the reason I've been trying to focus on sorting out all these little things to gradually increase my happiness level. It's why I've focused more on how I dress and I how I look--because although I don't feel one's appearance should dictate one's station or sense of self-worth, I would be lying if I said my self-esteem doesn't get boosted when I feel I look more attractive. I got a haircut--and then another haircut to repair that haircut because I felt it had been done poorly. I was losing my mind looking in mirrors every few minutes, trying to come to terms with what my hair looked like. It's such a silly thing to even worry about, but it was stressing me out like you wouldn't believe. I'm an extraordinarily self-conscious person. I imagine if I felt I was attractive I would also be extremely vain.
Of course, I also have to deal every day with the reality of my job. I am a salesman and am tasked every day with dealing with the public and being courteous and personable with complete strangers. There are some days where this seems like such a monumental task that I don't know how I even stand it. I don't know how I even get out of bed in the morning sometimes. It's so hard and so painful--so often. I hope every day that I can work towards feeling better about this kind of thing because I know the person that can deal with this is inside me. Unfortunately, I have thus far not been able to coax him out. He is asleep at the wheel and all is left is this terrified little kid who fidgets nervously and sweats profusely. My job is so frequently just this mountain of stress crashing into me violently. Am I getting better? I don't know. I sell a lot of phones but I still feel pretty terrible!
I'm glad I haven't completely abandoned this blog. It has been a very important thing in my life for over a year now. I believe that turning this blog into something that isn't perfunctory for me will greatly improve the quality of my writing. It's very likely I'll write about the same things as always--less frequently, but at greater length. I will no longer burn myself out on certain topics by writing about them on a daily basis. I'm not sure what else is to come. This blog may never be some professional writing project like I'd imagined it could be, but it will definitely be something helpful to me, both as an outlet and a catalog of my life and interests.
A part of me is sad that I broke my streak--but if I'm being honest with myself there were several times that happened anyway and I double updated or otherwise fudged the rules to make up for it. I can't count the number of times I updated after midnight, for instance--and a number of times early on I completely forgot to update until the next morning. This kind of thing gradually petered off over time, but recently I've been feeling awfully clueless on what to actually say. It didn't feel as important or as necessary to keep these entries coming every single day. I was doing it because I'd gotten into the habit of it but it wasn't something that felt at fulfilling anymore. Not every day, at least. I shouldn't be writing these entries when I legitimately don't have anything to say.
I have been grappling with depression recently for a number of painfully trivial reasons. Most of the things that make me sad aren't actually all that significant when taken at face value or when taken separately. Lots of little things tend to snowball into making me miserable. It's part of the reason I've been trying to focus on sorting out all these little things to gradually increase my happiness level. It's why I've focused more on how I dress and I how I look--because although I don't feel one's appearance should dictate one's station or sense of self-worth, I would be lying if I said my self-esteem doesn't get boosted when I feel I look more attractive. I got a haircut--and then another haircut to repair that haircut because I felt it had been done poorly. I was losing my mind looking in mirrors every few minutes, trying to come to terms with what my hair looked like. It's such a silly thing to even worry about, but it was stressing me out like you wouldn't believe. I'm an extraordinarily self-conscious person. I imagine if I felt I was attractive I would also be extremely vain.
Of course, I also have to deal every day with the reality of my job. I am a salesman and am tasked every day with dealing with the public and being courteous and personable with complete strangers. There are some days where this seems like such a monumental task that I don't know how I even stand it. I don't know how I even get out of bed in the morning sometimes. It's so hard and so painful--so often. I hope every day that I can work towards feeling better about this kind of thing because I know the person that can deal with this is inside me. Unfortunately, I have thus far not been able to coax him out. He is asleep at the wheel and all is left is this terrified little kid who fidgets nervously and sweats profusely. My job is so frequently just this mountain of stress crashing into me violently. Am I getting better? I don't know. I sell a lot of phones but I still feel pretty terrible!
I'm glad I haven't completely abandoned this blog. It has been a very important thing in my life for over a year now. I believe that turning this blog into something that isn't perfunctory for me will greatly improve the quality of my writing. It's very likely I'll write about the same things as always--less frequently, but at greater length. I will no longer burn myself out on certain topics by writing about them on a daily basis. I'm not sure what else is to come. This blog may never be some professional writing project like I'd imagined it could be, but it will definitely be something helpful to me, both as an outlet and a catalog of my life and interests.
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