Shark Attack (Day 267)

I've been thinking a little bit lately about how I might continue the story of Terakiel but I find I'm having a really hard time internalizing everything that's happened so far. To be honest, when added all together, it's a pretty massive document--and not a single bit of it is outlined or summarized in any way. I'm not very good at keeping all that information in my head, so if I wanted to keep it consistent and cut down on the meandering feeling the story has taken on, it would make sense to go back and get a feel for all those details. Even when I have written so far is nowhere near a final draft. I realize a lot of it reads very awkwardly, but I think a lot of the basic ideas are solid.

Just off the top of my head, I can recall that the story begins with Terakiel, a teen who dwells in the humble village of Tombolin. It's a self sufficient village tucked deep in the sprawling forest of Lakara. It is implied (or may even outright stated) that the citizens of this village have had no contact with the outside world for many years. Even the details behind the village's founding has been lost to time, although the Founders live on in legend. It is acknowledged among the general populace that the details have perhaps been distorted from the truth.

Terakiel himself is a Strander, although he does not yet know that. The term doesn't exist in the Tombolin society. Indeed, it is a trait that manifests in the town's citizens only very rarely. Most of the time those that possess the affinity for the Strand have no way of knowing about it. In other societies, countless miles outside Tombolin's reach, an affinity for the Strand is caught young, where it can be molded and cultivated lest it manifest in dangerous ways. Still, in most cases it would never become a problem. Only in those individuals with extremely high affinity with the Strand would its forces take physical form without training. Of course, Terakiel is one of these rare human beings.

Unfortunately for Terakiel, the Strand manfiests for him in a particularly cruel way. In those individuals whose affinity is very strong, energy has been known to manifest as a result of an emotional outburst. During a fight with his father, Terakiel's energy bursts forth from his body and strikes his father down instantly. Confused, mortified, and stricken with grief, the young Terakiel bolts from the spot. He has no words to explain what he had done, but only the grim realization that he could not say it was truly an accident. For that there could be no atonement. He retreats into Lakara with no plan in mind, subconsciously wondering if the forest's curse would end his suffering.

As Terakiel strives to put as many miles between himself and his father's corpse, his energy continues to manifest in unpredictable ways. After struggling for hours to start a fire, his frustration birthed fire from his fingertips. The outpouring of energy released the floodgate on his emotions as well--and for a moment he felt that he might take his own life. He elects not do so, however, perhaps due to cowardice but more likely because he yet had the will to live.

Terakiel conjures this fire at the foot of the first planar stone encountered in the story, of course. It would be explained later that these stones serve as gatways to the Exod, a black world that bridges together far-off locations. Aisen would be ripped from this world and brought to Terakiel for reasons that are as of yet unknown. Even up to the present point of the story, not much is known of Aisen. He has long and straight blonde hair and wears light armor. To be honest, I might rewrite his initial appearance. After all this time, I haven't made much of a decision on his backstory, but "soldier" no longer seems to fit. I also very infrequently even refer to his clothing.

Tomorrow (or soon) I'll continue looking back at the story. I think this is a good exercise. It refreshes me on what's happened so far and also gives me ideas on what I might want to change. I can't say I've made very much progress on it lately, but it's not a race. I'm not trying to meet a deadline, so I can mess around with it all I want. Even though I've written quite a lot for the story, it still feels very barebones to me. I'd like to flesh it out and make it feel more alive.

 

Syndic Calls (Day 266)

My first day of work was today! I just got home a little while ago and let me tell you something--it is super rad to get off work at 7 PM. It is basically just a great time of day. The sun is still up but it's starting to dim and at this time of week there's not much traffic to speak of. Of course, it's the kind of job where you could easily be stuck after closing time if you get caught up with a customer, but I'm used to that kind of thing and have a pretty high tolerance for it. Still, it's worlds better than getting off at 11 PM like I did for years--and even 9 PM which I dealt with only very briefly.

As for on-the-job training, there wasn't much of it to be had today. I did my best to absorb as much information as possible about cell phones, plans, and various other minutiae, but none of that matters when compared to actual hands-on experience. I've done stuff similar to this before. I worked in the Electronics department at Walmart for four years and I worked side by side with the Wireless department. Although I wasn't officially employed with that department, I did help out quite frequently so it's safe to say that certain things rubbed off on me.

I think all I really have to do is shove all that information into my head and organize it in a way that makes sense. Figuring out how to use the software will be simple--but I need to be able to known and understand everything about the store's products to effectively assist customers. I don't want to be that guy who constantly has to seek help from his supervisor or manager to be able to deal with customers. I realize that kind of thing will be inevitable initially, but I will learn quickly. I've spent way too long not putting my all into something. It's time for me to really apply myself. The more I sell, the more I make--at least once I pass the 90-day probationary period.

I have to get up pretty early tomorrow, but that's fine. I really don't mind being up early. I used to hate it, but years of working until 11 PM have made me realize just how depressing that shift is. Today I worked from 10 to 7 and tomorrow I work from 9 to 6. I'll have to be there by 8:45 but that's not a big deal for me at all. Getting off even earlier sounds totally worth it--and in the two subsequent days I'll be getting off earlier as well! I don't know if this progression is normal, but I do know that I'm restricted to only 30 hours a week. This means I work four days and am off three. I'm guaranteed Sundays off, but the two other days will fluctuate. I'm completely okay with this kind of schedule.

I won't be making a ton of money, but what I'll be making is more than adequate now. Once I get past that probationary period, I imagine I'll be making quite a bit more than I ever did at Walmart once commission is factored into the equation. I'm pretty excited about that. I guess there is a gnawing doubt that I'll be able to consistently meet quotas, but I think it's foolish for me to worry about something like that. I have the ability to sell. I know I'm good at it. There's no reason for me to doubt myself in that regard.

Hyadain no Kakakata☆Kataomoi - C (Day 265)

Tomorrow is my first day of work! I'm determined to approach it with a level of enthusiasm appropriate for this accomplishment. I've been out of work for awhile and a little listless but now it's time for me to shape up! There's absolutely no reason for me to feel dread for tomorrow because regardless of what anxiety I might face, I have the skills and resolve to face what's ahead of me. I'll learn quickly and I'll be good at my job. I'll pay off my debts and then start saving up money--at which point I can start considering moving into my own place that doesn't happen to be the place I spent my childhood.

In the meantime, I need to focus on establishing stability. I keep telling myself over and over that I need to clean up this house. None of my excuses about it not "feeling like my house" are irrelevant because no matter what I say, I'm going to be here for a long time. I need to try my best to make it feel like my own. I've taken a preliminary step by moving most of my stuff into the "living room," which was previously almost entirely unused. It's still quite cluttered though, and the floor needs to be washed. There are rooms in the back of the house that can be used for storage, so I don't really have much of an excuse for leaving random things lying around.

I think I might consult a particular family member on how best to deal with this situation. She's my cousin and actually lives right next door. If I'm being honest, I very rarely see her. However, due to The Great Job Hunt that I've embarked on recently, I've been seeing a lot more of my family in general. I hung out with her and her 10-year-old daughter yesterday and it made me realize that I have plenty of family members I can get along with. Being inside her house also made me realize just how much of a disgusting mess my house is in comparison. I think I'd already realized this, but the contrast was still pretty jarring.

What is it about me? Have I developed a tolerance for filth and clutter? Well--I'm sure I have. But that doesn't change the fact that I'd prefer to in a cleaner environment. I think I'd be happier when I'm just hanging out at home. Considering how much time I tend to spend here, I think cleaning up would go a long way in improving my overall level of contentment. 

I just don't know where to start. I want it to look good, feel good, and. . .smell good. Everything in this house just kind of smells. . .stale. I can't describe it. It doesn't smell bad exactly (at least not in the living room) but it's not what I'd call pleasant. I just feel like there's way too much useless crap in this house that I can do nothing with because they belong to my mother. I'd just really rather not be here, but it's out of my hands for the time being.

Hall of the Dead (Day 264)

I didn't get much sleep last night because I woke up to the mournful sound of a chainsaw ripping through tree limbs. My mother had showed up unannounced because she wanted to remove the splintered limbs from one of the trees in the yard. We decided to go out to eat--and I needed to cash a check and get some coffee as well. Even though I haven't done anything strenuous today, I feel pretty exhausted. I might take a nap pretty soon even though I'm wary of wasting my free time. My first day at work is Tuesday, after all.

I still haven't quite adjusted to my sleeping situation. I'm sleeping in the same place as before, but all of my things have been moved out of it. For some reason, this change of scenery has negative effects on my restfulness. It's a change of atmosphere, I guess. I'm not really sure how to combat it. I'll most likely just have to get used to it. I like my new setup in the living room but it is pretty strange that everything has been moved around after a year of having the same setup.

It would really be in my best interests to clean up around here, but I'm just so. . .apathetic about it. I look around and I'm vaguely dissatisfied with the clutter and the dust--but not enough to have something done about it right away. I can't imagine I'm going to be any more motivated to do so when I start working. Even though I'm going to be working part time, I'm going to be a lot busier than I usually am. I'm going to be tired, especially for those first few days. Just being out and about is pretty tiring for me right now just because I'm not used to it. The physical aspect of it isn't really the primary factor, either. It's a sort of mental exhaustion that somehow manages to seep into my bones.

I'm really not a big fan of living here. It's the house I grew up in and therefore will never truly feel like my own. I want to move out again and have my own house--or even an apartment--but that's just not a realistic prospect any time soon. I don't know when it could happen. It's going to be a long time before I'm financially stable enough to even consider the idea. There will be some complications to consider, such as who will take care of my mother's dogs--but nothing that can't be resolved.

Illuminate My Heart, My Darling! (Day 263)

I've been watching a lot of the original Mobile Suit Gundam series lately and I'm surprised to say that I enjoy it. I think the fact that the Englsh dub was done many many years after the anime was initially released contributes to that, because the voice acting is actually quite good. It makes up for the extremely poor animation. I don't mind the artwork at all, really. The weirdest thing about it is the anime's opening theme which is hilarious and extremely dated.

The anime's protagonist is Amuro Ray, an ostensibly teenage kid with a mechanical inclination. In the first episode he stumbles upon the Gundam prototype and puzzles out how to operate it. For some reason, it seems he's the only one capable of using it from then on--instead of some seasoned mobile suit pilot. Evidently the Gundam is much different from other mobile suits and is capable of adapting and learning based on battle experience. I'm not sure if this trend continues in the rest of the Gundam series. It does remind me of some of the stuff I've seen in Mobile Suit Gundam SEED, but I remember almost nothing from Gundam Wing.

Mobile Suit Gundam introduces a lot of traits that would become traditions for the series such as a red, white, and blue Gundam, beam rifles, beam swords, head-mounted vulcan cannons, and an oversized shield. I'm sure there's a lot more I'm missing since I'm not that familiar with the series myself. Actually, another tradition lies in Char, the anime's primary antagonist. I can think of at least two instances where a masked villain character plays an important role. There's Creuset in Gundam SEED and I could swear there was someone like that in Wing as well.

At first I was pretty skeptical that I'd watch more than a few episodes of Mobile Suit Gundam, but I'm a bit more interested now, especially considering the fact that this particular timeline has a lot of different anime associated with it. If I remember correctly, the next two Gundam series are more or less direct sequels to it, so I may very well check those out as well. It helps that characters from those anime are included in Super Robot Wars Alpha Gaiden, although I don't believe characters from the original series appear.

To be honest, I might decide to go back and play some of the original Super Robot Wars games since Mobile Suit Gundam characters definitely do appear in those. I'd like to skim through some Combattler V, Mazinger Z, and Getter Robo episodes as well, just to get a familiarity with them. I watched the first episode of Mazinger Z but the quality was pretty terrible and the subtitles were riddled with grammar errors. The first half of that show is being released very soon but it's extremely expensive, especially for my tight budget at the moment. I'd love to own it (as well as a lot of other anime) but I'm going to have to take care of some debts first.

The Keeper (Day 262)

I'm watching quite a bit of anime lately. I've never been a huge anime fan, but Super Robot Wars sort of pushed me into it. As a result, I'm watching a lot of series about robots, but I'm open to exploring other series as well--now more than ever before. Before recently, I'd only watched two anime series in the span of two years or so. Those were Persona 4: The Animation (because I like the game a whole lot) and Attack on Titan due to recommendations from many friends. Both were excellent, but for some reason I wasn't encouraged to check out anything else.

When I checked out Super Robot Wars J, I really got into it. I wanted to know more about the characters I was using, so I started watching Martian Successor Nadesico and Brain Powerd. After sampling a few of those episodes I decided I wanted to watch Full Metal Panic again because it had been several years since the last time and I could barely remember it. I watched through that whole series again as well as Full Metal Panic? Fumoffu which I'd never watched before. Although it has little to nothing to do with robots, it's a great anime with several hilarious episodes.

Fumoffu really made me want to try more anime with more comedic elements--particularly those that depict every day life. I decided to watch Nichijou, which was recommended to me by a guy on Twitter several months ago. I'm glad I did, because I adore it. The art style is gorgeous, the soundtrack is great, and it's incredibly funny. The first five episodes have been remarkably consistent in quality. I'm looking forward to finishing out that series for sure.

Other than Nichijou, pretty much every anime I'm watching right now has something to do with giant robots. I'm not as invested in some of them as I am in others, but my goal is to finish watching them all. Whether or not I actually achieve that goal is certainly in question here, especially since I'm going to be having less free time pretty soon.

I'm starting a new job on Tuesday. Even though it's part time I'm sure I'm going to be working 30 hours a week at the very least. I'm not sure I'll be able to maintain a consistent schedule of watching 8 different anime series while simultaneously playing video games like I usually do. It's a good thing that I got a job, of course, but my routine is certainly going to change. If my routine includes having money to spend, then I think I'm okay with that.

Still Alright (Day 261)

Super Robot Wars J was a fantastic game and I'm super grateful that the folks at The Romhacking Aerie took the time to give it a truly professional fan translation. Considering the massive amount of text in that game I can only imagine it was a monumental task. At 51 missions, SRWJ is one of the longest Game Boy Advance games I've ever played, possibly longer than the two Original Generation games that actually were released in America. It would be greedy to ask for more fan translations from those guys, but I'm eager to see if they produce another polished fan translation for Super Robot Wars D or F because at this point I'd love to play them. I'm starting to wonder if it would be faster just to learn Japanese, though.

My final party for SRWJ was as follows:

• Calvina Coulange in Coustwell/Coustwell Brachium (renamed Gashedrek/Gash Omega)

According to some stuff I've read online, Coustwell is the worst of the three choices for your protagonist's starting robot, but I personallly really liked it. Considering its offensive power, it was very evasive but at the same time not incapable of taking a few hits. I'll have to reserve final judgment on it until after I've tried the others.

• Akito Tenkawa in Aestivalis 0GF Akito
• Gai Daigoji in Aestivalis 0GF Gai
• Ryoko Subaru in Aestivalis Air Ryoko
• Izumi Maki in Aestivalis Air Izumi
• Hikaru Amano in Aestivalis Air Hikaru

I decided early on that I was going to be using the entire squad from Martian Successor Nadesico. I've really liked the episodes I've seen from the anime and I liked having a mobile squad of highly evasive robots that could skirmish the enemy. In the late game, none of these units were very strong individually, but the combo attacks between Gai and Akito as well as Ryoko, Izumi, and Hikaru more than made up for that. 

• Yuu Isami in Nelly Brain
• Hime Utsumiya in Hime Brain

At first I was planning on using every Brain Powerd character because their Chakra Extension combo attack was extremely powerful and long range, but I eventually pruned it down to just these two. Both were strong individually, but once Will was pumped high enough, they could fire off sniper blasts twice a turn, one shotting most opponents and taking pretty significant chunks out of bosses. I did use Kanan, Higgins, Lasse, and Nanga quite a bit earlier in the game.

• Sosuke Sagara in ARX7 - Arbalest
• Kurz Weber in M9 Gernsback
• Melissa Mao in M9 Gernsback

I love Full Metal Panic and I really wish Tessa could have been a permanently playable character with the Tuatha de Danaan because I certainly would have used it. Granted, it wouldn't have made much sense since relatively few missions had underwater segments, but I'm sure there could have been some workaround. Kurz and Mao were solid mid- to long-range units, but Sosokue's Arbalest was an absolute monster, especially after he recieved the Lamba Driver upgrade. I kept all three around mostly because of their combination attack Urzu Strike.

• D-Boy (Takaya) in Tekkaman Blade + Pegas/Blaster Tekkaman Blade
• Miyuki in Tekkaman Rapier
• Aki and Milly in Blue Earth

As I've said before, I have very little interest in the Tekkaman Blade anime, but Blade himself was a cool enough design that I felt like I had to use him. Despite his name being associated with a melee weapon, the vast majority of his attacks are long range. He has a combination attack with his sister called Double Voltekka, which did the highest damage of any ability in the game for me. I hit 26k on the final boss with that attack. Rapier also had the added utility of a large AoE map attack which was helpful for softening up large groups so my skirmishers could pick them off. 

I used Blue Earth very frequently throughout the game as my primary support unit but almost never used it to attack. It's high mobility, defenses, and ability to repair and resupply made it an invaluable tool all throughout the game.

• Lori and Loru in Million α

I actually have no idea where this weird looking robot came from, but I assume it's from Mazinger Z or Combattler. Regardless, I almost never used it to attack but as a secondary support unit. Like Blue Earth, it was capable of repairing and resupplying--and both of its (virtually identical) pilots had a great set of helpful Spirit Commands.

In My Dream (Day 260)

I'm on the very last mission of Super Robot Wars J--for real this time. At least I'm pretty sure it's the last one. I'm almost positive. 52 missions is a huge amount for a GBA game. I'm really impressed at just how lengthy a game it is. The most recent mission was grueling enough that I would have been forgiven for thinking that it was the last. I'm hoping the final mission will be a breeze in comparison, but that's probably wishful thinking.

I haven't given up on the idea of replaying the game, because there are a lot of different things I'd wanna try on subsequent playthroughs, but I think I have come to the decision to just play Super Robot Wars Alpha Gaiden instead. It's quite a bit older than SRWJ but since it's on the PlayStation, the production values are a tad higher. It also has more original characters, some of which I recognize from Original Generation like Masaki Andoh and Sanger Zonvolt. I'll definitely be using both of those if given the opportunity, as well as several Gundam Wing characters that I recognize. Once again though, most of the series involved are series I've never watched. I might go through a phase where I investigate a bunch of new stuff once again.

I've been thinking more and more that it would be really cool to learn Japanese. It's a stereotypical nerd thing to do, I have to admit--but I have a legitimate interest in language beyond that. I won't deny that I'm a huge nerd and would love to be able to play games in Japanese and watch anime without subtitles, but there's more to it than that. I'm fascinated by grammar and language in general. I think it would be a daunting task to learn how to read all of those arcane symbols, but at the same time, definitely not impossible. I'm considering it more and more seriously every day. I think I might try Rosetta Stone to get a basic understanding of the language, but ideally I would take an actual class.

Of course, I have no idea where I'd go to take such a class, but I could do some research. Chances are I'd have to go to Bowling Green, but that's not something that's going to happen in the foreseeable future. Going back to college is an attractive prospect, but I'm in a lot of debt right now and I just. . . I don't have room for it, I guess. Still, learning the basics on my own time is something I could try--and I'm pretty sure I will.

A Song for Starlit Beaches (Day 259)

I'm hoping to finally finish Super Robot Wars J tonight since I only have a few missions left. I already have a lot of plans on how I'll handle a second playthrough, but we'll have to see if I'm actually in the mood to do that once I'm finished. It might be a better plan to go ahead and try Super Robot Wars Alpha Gaiden. I still haven't really decided. However, if I do decide to just do that second playthrough, I know I'm going to select the male protagonist and most likely the smallest of the three starter robots. I want something so mobile and evasive that I can move it into a big group of enemies and not worry about getting hit a single time.

Other than that, I'm going to focus on using the biggest and bulkiest robots available to me. For this first playthrough I mostly focused on the faster evasive units from Martian Successor Nadesico, Brain Powerd, and Tekkaman Blade. Next time I'll use units from G Gundam, Gundam SEED, and most likely the large five-pilot units like Combattler, Voltes, and Dancougar. I'd also like to try out Zeorymer, whose map attack Hades Cannon looks incredibly powerful. I'm not entirely sure how the New Game+ works, but you're supposed to be able to carry over unit upgrades somehow.

Aside from playing SRWJ, I've still been watching a lot of anime. Although I'm progressing very slowly through some of them, I've finished up my rewatch of Full Metal Panic and watched Full Metal Panic? Fumoffu for the first time. It's a comedy with little to no action elements, but I liked it a lot. It was a tad inconsistent, but some episodes were pretty hilarious. One that stands out in particular is episode 2 where Kaname and Sousuke are on the run from the police. I'm watching Full Metal Panic: The Second Raid now which seems even more serious in tone than the original series.

I'm still watching Martian Successor Nadesico, Brain Powerd, and Gundam SEED, but I'm watching them very infrequently. I probably like Nadesico the most, but since I can't watch it while doing other things (subtitles) I tend to watch it a little less often. I'm not sure I'll watch the entirety of Brain Powerd or Gundam SEED but I haven't quite given up on them yet either.

I should actually get around to watching Zeorymer since it's only four episodes, but I haven't done that yet. I could do it tonight, but. . .something tells me I won't. 

Iceblocks (Day 258)

As I was drifting off to sleep last night, I started to feel strange. I wasn't nervous about my interview, but I felt content. I'd just watched a few episodes of Full Metal Panic? Fumoffu before bed and I felt this strange sense of contentment. It's hard to explain, but I felt really serene with my eyes closed, the lights off, and the room silent. I haven't felt like that in a long time. I have no idea what brought it on, but I certainly wouldn't mind for it to continue. I'm used to going to bed only when I'm exhausted--and still taking a long time to drift off because I'm worried about the next day or just irritated in general. I just felt utterly sedated but in the best way possible.

I thought about my story. I haven't updated it recently, and even when I have it's been after long periods of inactivity. As the story grows in scope, I have less of an idea of how exactly to handle the events that are unfolding. I'm basically just making this stuff up as I go along--but I don't want to just phone it in, which is why it usually takes me such a long time to compose the entries. But last night it was different. My mind was swimming with ideas. I should have gotten up and written some of them down, but I was afraid I would get caught up in it and not get to sleep in time.

I wish I could remember some of the things I thought about last night. It was a really surreal feeling that I'd love to recapture. I'm still almost entirely unsure what brought it on. Maybe it'll happen again tonight--who knows. I'm not sure it even had anything to do with Terakiel, Aisen, or Casnie. These were two completely new characters. I just can't remember anything about it at this point. I remember thinking about it and then waking up suddenly because I didn't realize it wasn't real--but that's it. I don't remember the specifics. It seemed pretty important at the time but now it's faded completely. I really should have written it down. . .

If for some reason this happens again tonight I'll make sure to make a note of it. Something tells me it was a fluke brought on by stuff changing in my life. I definitely haven't been adhering to the same routines recently--which, of course, is a good thing. I need to change my bad habits and really just. . .get out there. I've made a lot more progress in the past couple of weeks than  I have in the six months before that. And it's really all thanks to members of my family that have reached out to me and supported me. I never thought that would happen because I was determined to figure things out on my own. I can't do that, though. Even if I were capable of doing everything on my own, there's no shame in asking others for help.

I've not given up on my story yet. That's not to say I'll necessarily pick up exactly where I left off. If I'm becoming disinterested with a certain aspect of the plot I might just choose to jump around--or even go back and completely rewrite older sections I'm not happy with. I need to go back and compile all of those entries into one massive document. I used to do that but I stopped keeping up with it when it got too unmanageable and I started updating less frequently. Summarizing everything that's happened so far would also be helpful, since I have a hard time internalizing all of that stuff.

Wond'ring Aloud (Day 257)

I actually attended a family gathering for Easter today. I don't have any particular attachment or appreciation for the holiday itself, but considering how reclusive and withdrawn I've been when it comes to my family, I think it's a positive thing for me to have done. I'm also pretty excited about the heaping piles of free food I stuffed into my mouth. All things considered, today has been pretty alright. I've been seeing members of my family a lot more often recently because I've gotten more serious about getting a job and enlisted their assistance. They've been nothing but helpful and I'm really grateful for that. I've tried to fool myself into believing I don't need the help of others on many occasions, but it's never been true.

I think I withdraw from my family because I think of myself as a disappointment. I don't want to expose myself for appraisal. When compared to other members of my family, I look pretty bad. I haven't accomplished anything and haven't had a truly steady job since 2012. I'm intelligent--there's no one that would debate that--but it's not enough. There needs to be a drive to succeed and historically there hasn't been one. I can't say that I have grand ambitions, but I think that if I get this job, things should start changing for me. Even if I don't get this one, I'll get another. I'm confident of that now. I've harbored private beliefs these past few months that I'd never be able to find a job and I'd just slowly wither away until I. . .well, disappeared, I guess. But that's not going to happen.

I have nice clothes to wear for my interview tomorrow. My hair is short and my facial hair is groomed. I'm not usually one for dressing up and looking presentable, but I think it's important to make a good impression in this case. It's not like this job would be life-changing for me, but it would certainly be a step in the right direction. I've spent way too much time in a state of suspended adolescence. I need to grow up. I think it's okay to harbor certain childish tendencies, but when it interferes with getting to where you want in life, it has to change. I'm behind the curve here. I'm not looking for marriage and kids at this point--I'm all the way back to wanting my own place and being able to provide for myself. I've done it in the past, but there have always been issues that prevented me from really moving forward.

I've always been tethered to someone when it comes to being provided for. A lot of the time it's been my mother, but it's also been girlfriends and roommates. I think it would be good for me to live alone--as I have been--but to actually have to deal with the responsibilities inherent to that position. I need to pay my own bills and pay my own debts. I need to be responsible for that. I've gone way too long without experiencing that, and it's something I need to learn to deal with. I think it would help relieve some stress for me as well. Although I try to ignore it, it does sting to be in so much debt--not just from a credit card and student loans, but also to my friends and family. It's not just about the money either. I have not done much to prove that I am worthy of all the assistance I've been given. I'll have to find some way to make up for that.

Crystalline (Day 256)

Super Robot Wars J has a dazzling number of pilots and robots to control. Even though I feel like I made my decision on which units to use a long time ago, I'm changing my mind just about every other mission. I'm up to about mission 40 and have just acquired several useful units from the Gundam SEED series after having nothing worthwhile from them since the beginning of the game. The pacing of the game can be a tad strange. I had thought about using characters from that series but I gave up because I thought they'd never give me anything else useful, but it turned out I was wrong. In fact, the game is considerably longer than I expected. I'm pretty sure I have at least 10 more missions before the end, and if it's anything like Original Generation, those last few will be a doozy.

What I've been trying to do is use all or most of the characters from the anime I've been watching recently. That means I'm using characters from Martian Successor Nadesico, Full Metal Panic, and Brain Powerd.  The Nadesico squad consists of about five different units, one of which is the battleship itself that has five pilots: Yurika, Ruri, Minato, Jun, and Megumi. I've been using Akito, Hikaru, Ryoko, and Izumi and their Aestivalis robots almost since the beginning. I was using Akatsuki as well until a certain plot event. They're fairly mobile and hit decently hard, but their power level has fallen off significantly as I've gained access to more powerful options. Ryoko, Hikari, and Izumi have access to a pair of useful combination attacks with an adequate power level, but their primary use is for skirmishing because they're so evasive and mobile.

Brain Powerd has about eight different characters, but I've been trying to use them all. Although the Brain Powered units are almost identical to each other, several of these characters can do a very strong high range combination attack called Chakra Extension. In the latter stages of a map when the requisite amount of Will has been built up, the Brain Powered squadron absolutely tears through enemies. These characters are Hime, Yuu, Lasse, Nanga, Kanan, Higgins, Kant, and Nakki. If for some reason I want to use some different characters, I might ditch about half of these guys. Even though they're all really good, I like having a variety of different types of units at my disposal.

Full Metal Panic only has three units available so far, and I wouldn't be surprised to learn that they're the only permanent units I get from that series. You assume control of the submarine Tuatha de Danaan on a few occasions, which is piloted by Tessa, Mardukas, and Kalinin--but since it's an water-only vessel, I can't imagine it'll be a permanent addition to the team. However, Sosuke in his Arbalest and Kurz and Mao in their M9s are all very powerful units. Kaname and Tessa still pop up in the game's dialogue quite frequently.

Those three series make up 14 units. In many missions, this is all I can deploy. In others, I may be able to field a few more, but those missions are somewhat rarer. I've also been using a few units from the Tekkaman Blade series. I've been using Blue Earth piloted by Noal and Aki (later Aki and Milly) just because it's an excellent support unit capable of repairing and ressupply. But I've also been using Blade himself, whose long range attacks hit quite hard. I have almost zero interest in the anime itself, so I only bring him along when I have an extra spot.

I think the next time I play through this game (which might be immediately or much later) I'm going to just pick a bunch of stuff that I haven't used before and not worry about what anime series they come from. The Gundam SEED units you get very late in the game are actually pretty good--and some of the super robots from 70s and 80s anime look very strong as well. Dancougar, Voltes, and Combattler in particular look to be pretty crazy.

We Flood Empty Lakes (Day 255)

I did an interview today and just received a phone call that I'd made it to the second interview on Monday. Assuming that goes well, the position is probably mine. I should be happy, but I feel a little discontent. It's hard for me to quantify exactly why I'm not in the greatest mood, but I have some ideas. Ever since I received the call a couple days ago about coming in for an interview, I've felt a little weird. I've felt pressured, like the walls are closing in on me. The dread and anxiety have settled into a nasty pit in my stomach.

Why should I feel so bad about finally getting a chance to get my life together? Maybe it's a fear of failure. Maybe I think I can't handle it--that I can't handle the responsibility. I guess I'm also afraid of being forced to interact with others on a daily basis again. I'm an introvert, so being put into social situations can be exhausting--it's not even about being misanthropic or anything. I don't hate people at all and I don't mind being around them, but it does give me a pretty significant amount of anxiety. I've felt pretty tired the past few days even though I haven't been doing anything super strenuous. I think it's just the weariness of putting myself out there. I'm not used to it--not yet.

I worked at Walmart for four years. I was around customers just about every day. I got used to it to a certain degree but there were still many many days that I came into work with a stomachache because of my anxiety. There were some days that I just couldn't handle being seen. I hid it and tried to stay as productive and courteous as possible, but inside I was kind of miserable. I don't want that to happen again. It's really not a big deal for anyone else. I wish my brain didn't work that way.

The solution is never going to be "don't work around people"--because that's not what I want. I want to work closely with others cooperatively in whatever career path I choose. It's important that that's something I'm comfortable with. I'm never going to be the kind of person who works entirely in isolation. Well, I can't tell the future, but it seems unlikely. All the same, that's not what I want. Everyone needs socialization to function. I'm not the kind of person that goes to parties or hangs out with people in my free time, so interacting with others at a workplace seems like my best option.

This is a really good opportunity for me. The pay is pretty good and it makes use of skills that I have. It shouldn't be something out of my comfort zone and it shouldn't make me nervous--but I can't help the fact that it does. I can't help the fact that I can barely relax. Change is a frightening thing. I've said in the past (and on this blog) that I like change and that's still true--but doesn't make it any less unsettling. After a certain period of time you tend to settle into a routine. Even if that routine is unhealthy or depressing, it does eventually become a kind of comfort because it's what you know.

Today has just been really weird. I don't know if I'm just in a bad mood or recent events have adversely affected my emotions. I just want to be able to relax but I'm constantly on edge. The thing that worries me even more is the uncomfortable truth that I don't think it's going to stop any time soon. Assuming the interview on Monday goes well then the course of my life is going to change. I'll have more to write about but less time to indulge my passions. I just don't know how things are going to go and that bothers me. It usually doesn't. I usually just let life happen to me--but I'm taking it into my own hands now and I'm afraid I'm going to mess it up as I have so often in the past.

tomorrow (Day 254)

The job hunt is continuing. I have two interviews scheduled for late next week.I'm not guaranteed a position in either case, but I'm confident that I'm getting a lot closer to finding gainful employment. I'm the kind of person that can represent myself well in an interview, so I'm sure I'll be making good impressions--in both cases. That is not to say that I'm not nervous, because I definitely am. I haven't had a job in awhile, and my current living situation is questionable. I really need one of these jobs. The other major prospect I'm considering hasn't gotten back to me yet so I think I'll probably give them a call tomorrow. If all goes well, maybe I'll have three interviews set up for next week.

I've never been the kind of person to make meaningful plans for my life very far in advance. I tend to live pretty firmly in the present, which although not entirely a bad thing does cause problems occasionally. It's a coping mechanism, so I'm not paralyzed with worry/anxiety/fear over what may or may not be coming. I get such intense anxiety when contemplating upcoming events that I've resorted to blocking those things out. I've never figured out a better way to handle it.

I've been told that I need to break that habit, that I need to make plans and set goals for myself. Where do I want to be at the end of this year? What do I want to be doing? Do I want to be living here? I really don't know. It's so difficult for me to answer that question because there are so many unknowns. I don't know which job I'm going to get and in what time frame. I don't know how much money I'm going to be making or how long it's going to take me to pay off my debts. I don't know much about my mother's financial situation either--and since she was previously responsible for the bills at this house, that results in another area I can't control. There are so many things outside of my area of control that I feel I have very little influence over where I end up.

None of that really plays into why I don't plan for my future. Left to my own devices even given ideal circumstances I don't make very many plans. When I do make plans, it's about very self indulgent things--as this blog can quite effectively attest. I plan to watch shows, play video games, listen to new music, and to write. These all feed into each other and create this cycle that I find I really like--but none of it is really all that personal to me. They're my hobbies, of course, and they make up an important part of my personality, but there's more to me than that, right? Where do I want to go in life? I guess part of the reason I haven't thought about it much is because I feel like I don't have any options.

There was a point in my life where I felt like things were going pretty well. I shared a house with my girlfriend and I had steady job. I wasn't making much money, but I felt I was making more than enough to be happy. Of course, I wasn't ecstatic every day, but I was generally pleased with the way things were going. I lacked ambition, though--and I have been led to believe by a variety of people that this is a bad thing. I can't be happy unless I "make something of myself." I can guarantee that a good percentage of people who end up becoming successful in one way or another aren't really happy--or if they are, it's almost entirely unrelated to their success. People are happy when they do what they love. It doesn't have to be your job--but you need to find time to do the things that make you happy, or you'll just go crazy. I'll go crazy. I'll be depressed. It's happened before.

What are the things I enjoy? I love video games and music. I love to write and watch TV shows--and recently, anime. I am immensely proud that I've motivated myself to write so much and so frequently over the past several months. I am shocked that I've kept it up for this long--but I see no reason that I'll be stopping anytime soon. Even when I do get a job, I'll still certainly make time for this blog. Hell, I'll probably have more to write about. That will lead to more personal entries such as this one, but that's far from a bad thing. It will most likely turn into a form of therapy. It's served that purpose for me in the past and I'm sure it will again.

Animals (Day 253)

Mobile Suit Gundam SEED didn't immediately grab me like of these other anime series did. I've only watched a single episode so far, but it's left me without any memorable impressions. I can't say it with certainty but it seems like the series might be a bit more focused on the plot than the characters--but again, it's hard to say. I feel like the first episode of show, anime or otherwise, should be informative and memorable, but after watching the first episode of Gundam SEED, I didn't really feel anything at all.

It reminds me of Gundam Wing, which I haven't watched it many years. There were long stretches of time in which nothing much happened. For a series about giant robots, it was actually very dry. As a kid I found a lot of it brutally uninteresting, despite liking the robots and some of the characters. I wonder if Gundam SEED might fall prey to the same issues. I'm going to watch at least a couple more episodes before I really form an opinion on it.

On the bright side, the animation quality and art are quite good. I'm watching the remastered edition, and the attention to detail really shows. It's very pretty to look at compared to some of the other things I'm watching right now, although it is a considerably newer series. Even though I've only watched one episode, I think it introduced just about every character present in Super Robot Wars J, even if they weren't explicitly named. I definitely saw Kira, Mu, Murrue, Natarle, Sai, Tolle, Miriallia, and Kuzzey. I'm not sure if I saw Cagalli or not. It's possible her name was translated differently. In the subs for Brain Powerd, certain names were different--like Russ instead of Lasse, and Comodo instead of Komodo. 

I'm thinking about rewatching Full Metal Panic as well, because I'm not watching nearly enough shows already. I'd like to watch the other series that I never got to, but I'm a little fuzzy on the events involved despite Super Robot Wars J giving me a refresher. I also never watched the dub, so I thought maybe I'd try that out. According to a few clips on YouTube, Gauron doesn't sound nearly as sinister, but dubs have the added benefit of allowing me to do other things while watching. I've also already watched the series before, so it's just more convenient.

Prahanien (Day 252)

I've watched the first six episodes of Gurren Lagann before, but for some reason I lost interest the first time around. I definitely wasn't much of an anime fan at the time and I guess I'm still not--but I'm opening my mind up to it a lot more lately. I'm watched about eight episodes this time around and I like it a lot, even though it does seem to lose the plot a tad on occasion. Kamina's ranting about manliness and glory are pretty endearing. It's also nice to hear Yuri Lowenthal on Simon, who sounds almost identical to his role as Yosuke from Persona 4. 

The sixth episode is one of those infamous hot springs scenes that tend to show up in every anime. I could see why that would have turned me off the first time around and I didn't particularly enjoy it this time either--but I can forgive it because most of other episodes so far have been really fun. The giant robots involved are called Gunmen and have giant faces that mimic the mouth movements of their pilot. Kamina hijacked his from one of the beastmen the roam the surface whereas Simon found his tiny Gunmen deep underground while digging a tunnel. They are named Gurren and Lagann and when combined form the great mecha Gurren Lagann. The combination sequence involves drilling the tiny Lagann into the head of Gurren so far that Kamina has to move his head out of the way to avoid getting skewered. Evidently both of these giant robots were programmed to function in exactly this way.

Kamina and Simon have lived their entire lives underground but in the first episode they get to see the surface for the first time. The beastmen roam the surface in these giant mecha for reasons that are currently unknown to me. With the help of a girl named Yoko with a snazzy hi-tech rifle, Kamina and Simon vanquish several of these beastmen and decide to set out together, where they eventually tumble into another underground cavern. This particular tribe views the Gunmen as deities and refer to them as Face Gods. Kamina is eager to disabuse them of this notion but the village elder urges him to respect their beliefs.

Because of the small size of the village, the elder has decreed that they can must maintain a population of no more than 50. Unfortunately, a woman is currently giving birth to triplets, which would bring that number up to 52. The villagers are forced to draw straws to determine who must leave the village. Two small children are chosen. Failing to understand the enormity of what has happened, they gleefully celebrate the fact that they've won the contest, even though they've been cast out of their community. A boy by the name of Rossiu (voiced by Johnny Yong Bosch) feel this is unjust, so he decides to accompany the two children to the surface--and they end up tagging along with Simon, Kamina, and Yoko.

Gurren Lagaan has great music, art, and animation and even has a great English dub. The characters are engaging and despite some questionable humor (especially in episode 6), it's been excellent so far. I'm definitely going to watch the rest of this one.

Jura (Day 251)

After I finish Super Robot Wars J, I'm not really sure what I'm going to do. I originally had these grand plans to attempt to play through one of the games in Japanese, but after giving that a brief try with Super Robot Wars W, I came to realize that it's a lot more difficult than anticipated. If Spirit commands didn't exist, then it might be viable because I could just move my units around and attack as normal. I don't need to know the names of the attacks so long as I can interpret the symbols for Range and Melee and read their power values. However, Spirit commands are very important skills that should be used extremely frequently. The game's probably not impossible to play without them but it would be considerably more difficult--and not as fun.

What I could do instead is immediately replay Super Robot Wars J with a different focus. I could pick a different protagonist and a different robot for him to use as well as using entirely different characters from the last runthrough. There are more than enough robots in the game to support this, although I would definitely have to reuse some in the early stages. I would probably focus more on Super Robots even though I don't particularly care for those characters aeshetically. I do like having units with multiple pilots because it gives you a lot more strategic depth since you have a huge pool of Spirit Commands to choose from.

I assume there are hidden units that I've already missed as well. I should probably looked that up a long time ago since I'm on mission 25 now and I believe I've recruited the vast majority of units in the game--though I could easily be wrong. I assumed that Gai from Martian Successor Nadesico would have been a recruitable pilot at some point, but so far I haven't been able to use him. In the game and the anime, Akito "borrows" Gai's Aestivalis so it makes sense that he wouldn't be usable right away, but I sort of had the feeling I'd get him eventually. He's a pretty funny character.

In Nadesico, many of the characters are enamored with a fictional anime called Gekiganger that deftly lampoons many of the giant robot genre's tropes. It's pretty hilarious to see it in action, especially considering how much of that kind of thing I've been exposed to recently while playing this game. The older series like Combattler and Voltes exemplify exactly the kind of thing that Gekiganger parodies. 

I've always wondered about that

Day 250

Today marks a quarter of a thousand entries in this experiment. It is perhaps not fair to dismiss it as an experiment any longer considering the length of time I've been doing it. It is not a full blown phenomenon for me--something that helps give my life meaning. I am a sheltered, introverted person who very seldom expresses himself to others. I have little to no social interaction with other human beings but in the past that's always been okay because for the most part I'm happy being alone. Being around other people makes me nervous and agitated, at least when it happens for long periods of time. It's probably part of the reason I've been unhappy in the jobs I've held down, although I won't lie that laziness certainly plays a factor as well.

All of that is irrelevant though, at least for the time being. I'm writing this entry because I write one every day, but today. . . something bad has happened. I am an introvert and have discussed that length throughout the history of this blog. The topics I obsessively tackle on a daily basis go a long way in confirming that. That is not to say that I don't crave companionship--and several months ago, I got just that. I've been broke for a long time so I've never had the opportunity to own a pet of my own. I'm taking are of my mother's dogs but I've just never connected with dogs as much as I do with cats. So it was that when my mother brought me a cat one day out of the blue, I was overjoyed.

I spent a lot of time with that cat over the months. He was my little pal. He'd hang out with me while I was playing games and often sleep in my bed with me. I've always been a cat person. When I lived with my ex-girlfriend, we had a couple of cats that I love and miss to this day when she took them away after we split. But this was different. This was my cat. I was responsible for him. He came with a name but I ignored it. My reasoning was that cats habitually ignored the names they'd been given so why should I bother calling him anything? He was a cat, so I called him Cat. Eventually though, as I grew more and more attached to that cat, I did eventually give him a name. I named him after a character from a book I was reading. I named him Wataya. Still, I rarely called him by his name. It seemed pointless. I knew his name and that was good enough for me.

Wataya always went a long way in cheering me up. It's no secret that I'm not pleased with the way I live. I suffer from complacency, but it doesn't mean I'm in complete denial. I have no money and very few friends--none of which I ever see in person. That cat was always around when I needed him. He kept me company and whether or not he felt affection for me or not--he needed me. I was the only thing in that cat's life. He depended on me. I'm sorry that his life had to be so short.

I found Wataya this morning. He was dead. I'd been worried about him for days because he refused to eat anything. I tried to force him to eat but it was no use. I knew something was wrong. He was losing weight. I could feel his bones and his coat was matted. He was in poor shape and I didn't know what to do. I had no money and no hope. I had to watch him slowly starve to death. I don't know what was wrong with him. It's possible his kidneys failed. I'm not an expert on feline health so maybe I shouldn't have owned a cat in the first place. In retrospect it was irresponsible of my mother to gift a cat to a broke and historically irresponsible manchild. I think she could tell, though. How much I needed that cat. How much I still need that cat now that he's gone.

Critical Distance (Day 249)

I've watched the first episode of Martian Successor Nadesico and I liked it pretty well--as expected. I think these giant robot anime series lend themselves pretty naturally to comedy elements since the premise is pretty ridiculous in the first place--although I'm sure many examples of grim and serious exist in this genre. Front Mission, though not an anime, is about as serious as it gets, but tends toward a much more utilitarian and functional design for the mechs in question. It's clear that giant mechanized robots are probably not the most efficient choice for futuristic warfare, but they are ridiculously cool which makes up for that leap of logic.

The first episode actually didn't teach me much I didn't already know since Super Robot Wars J adapts most of the early plot elements into part of the plot of the game itself. Akito Tenkawa is a former pilot who now cooks. He somehow ends up being enlisted as a member of the crew of the great warship Nadesico as a cook but quickly proves his skill as a pilot through inexplicable means. Many scenes from this first episode were reproduced almost exactly in the GBA game, which is pretty interesting. The same is true for many early scenes from Brain Powerd. It makes me wonder if series that frequently make appearances in Super Robot Wars have some kind of continuity. Do they continue to parrot scenes from the anime in which they appear or do they change?

A good portion of the characters represented in SRWJ were introduced in that first episode. Akito serves as the protagonist of the anime and is a former pilot and cook who survived an attack by the series antagonists, the Jovian Lizards, on a colony on Mars. Yurika is the teenage female pilot of the Nadesico who evidently knew Akito when he was much younger--and harbors some pretty strong feelings for him that may or not be reciprocated. Jun is the only male member of the main crew and quite clearly wishes those feelings were directed at him. The other three members are Ruri, Minato, and Megumi, whose personalities are not so clearly defined yet. The tiny Ruri does seem to have somewhat of a superiority complex, however.

None of the other Aestivalis pilots have yet been introduced save Gai, whose broken leg prevents him from going into battle. Just like in Super Robot Wars J, Akito pilots the Aestivalis that Gai leaves behind. Both refer to it as the "Gekigangar" after an anime they both enjoy--that of course only exists within the meta-world of Nadesico.  I'm not sure if Gai recovers later and joins the team. It hasn't happened in the game yet unless he's a secret character, although he does show up in one of the bonus "Puzzle Robo" missions.

Dash & Blast (Day 248)

I've watched the first three episodes of Brain Powerd now and man, it's pretty weird. I mean, I guess it's not that weird but I'm still a little unsettled by the bizarre title sequence that features a variety of completely naked girls floating eerily through the air. Did they really show this on TV in Japan? Wait, who am I kidding? Of course they did--and no one really cared about the animated nudity. Still, I'm not sure what purpose it serves or what relevance it has to the plot, if anything. Granted, I've only watched a few episodes, but something tells me it can't be that important. The opening theme is pretty catchy, at least.

The crotch is a perfectly acceptable entry point

The titular living robots featured in Brain Powerd are variously referred to as Brains, Grand Chers, and Antibodies. It is not currently clear to me the differences between them, but some are fitted for military use and others are incomplete. HIme Utsumiya, pictured above, gets her hands on one of these incomplete Brain Powered units and figured out how to control it. As one might rightly assume, these units, which seem to communicate with their pilots wordlessly, can be controlled without the usage of any traditional mechanical interface. However, it seems they're fitted with mechanized controls once they're made "complete." I'm probably making a mess of the actual plot because I find it a little confusing. If I continue to watch I'll imagine I'll be able to figure it out more effectively.

Perfectly normal way to have a discussion

The Brain Powered units are birthed from tectonic plates, but it is not yet clear why this might be. The blue-haired kid in the picture above is a guy by the name of Yuu. Despite his young age, he's a seasoned Grand Cher pilot and a member of the Reclaimers, a group of people intent on dredging up something called Orphan from the ocean. Yuu seems to believe that this will bring about the destruction of mankind, so he abandons the organization, guns blazing. Now that he's on the run, he's come across Hime, but I don't know yet what's going to come of that. Is it safe to assume that it will involve floating naked women? 

I don't know how quickly I'm going to be watching through this one. There's a very good chance that I will have finished Super Robot Wars J before I've finished this anime and by then I may lose interest. After all, there are other anime that I'd like to try and more SRW games to play--perhaps even those available only in Japanese. Translation guides exist, so it's only my patience that might be working against me. We'll have to see if I can overcome the frustration of navigating through menus in a foreign language.

Seraphim & Cherubim (Day 247)

There are 14 different anime series included in Super Robot Wars J, as well as characters original to Banpresto. I'm on mission 17 and have come across characters from all of the featured series, although no one from Full Metal Panic has yet joined my roster. Still, when Sousuke, Kurz, and Mao popped up in dialogue, it was really cool to see. It makes me realize how much more fun games in this series would be if I was familiar with the anime series the characters came from. According to Wikipedia, these are the anime featured in Super Robot Wars J.

• Blue Comet SPT Layzner

This is an anime from the mid 80s that I've never heard of. For an older anime, the art style is not too bad, but the robots involved are a tad vanilla compared to some of the other over the top options. The titular robot Layzer is pretty solid, but I haven't been using it much at all and it's definitely not going to be in my final roster. Baybull and Buldy are two other robots from this series that I consider support units. They're useful, but I have other units that serve the same purpose. I don't really have much interest in watching this series.

• Brain Powerd

I've never heard of this one either, but it distinguishes itself from other mecha anime with its organic element. The robots are called Antibodies or Brains--I'm not really sure which because the in-game text is somewhat inconsistent about it. I like the art style and I'm planning on using all four of the robots included from this series piloted by Hime, Yuu, Lasse, and Nanga. I think I'd probably like to watch this one because it seems interesting and it's also pretty integral to the plot of the game.

• Dancouga - Super Beast Machine God

This is one of those 80s robot anime where multiple smaller mechs combine to create one giant one. I'm not sure if they can separate in the game itself because I haven't been using it. I'm not as big a fan of the robots from the really old anime for some reason. I'd say it's because they're cheesy but let's be honest--how can giant robots not be cheesy? Maybe it's an acquired taste. Still, I don't have much interest in checking this one out.

• Full Metal Panic

I have seen this one! I liked it a lot and it's really cool to see these familiar characters in the game. Unfortunately I don't have any Arm Slaves on my side just yet, but it was super cool to see Chidori, Sousuke, Kurz, Mao, and Tessa. One of these days I'm going to watch Fumoffu and The Second Raid. 

• Full Metal Panic? Fumoffu

I never watched this although I'm not completely against doing so. Evidently it has almost nothing to do with giant robots, but that's fine, I guess. I do like the characters--but I wonder what Super Robot Wars J could include from this anime. Hmm.

• Mobile Fighter G Gundam

Even though G Gundam was on Toonami a lot, I never really watched it. Even though it's from the 90s it seems like it has a really 80s art style which typically turns me off. I still might give it a shot one day if I really get into the Gundam series.

• Mobile Suit Gundam SEED

I like the art style of this one a lot better than G Gundam--makes sense, since this series is from 2002. Still, I've never watched it before and I think I'd like to. It's 50 episodes long though, so it's quite the investment. I'm using three Gundams from this series: Kira's Strike Gundam, Mu's Skygrasper, and Cagalli's Skygrasper. Evidently the Archangel ship is from this series as well and I didn't know that. I'm using it as well, mostly because you have to.

• Hades Project Zeorymer

Evidently there was only an OVA for this series, meaning it only spanned four episodes. It's pretty old (1988-1990) but the Zeorymer itself looks really awesome. It might be worth checking out since it wouldn't be much of an investment to do so. I'm definitely going to be using Zeorymer, but I just now recruited it into my roster.

• Martian Successor Nadesico

I'm definitely going to try this series. It's only 26 episodes and I'm using just about every robot featured. The Nadesico itself is the primary warship for the first half of the game, with Gundam SEED's Archangel functioning as your secondary ship. I'm using all five Aestivalis pilots--Akito, Hikaru, Izumi, Ryoko, and Akatsuki--as well as the crew of the Nadesico itself. All of the characters seem really fun.

• Mazinger and Mazinkaiser

Apparently there's a huge number of Mazinger anime series dating all the way back to 1972. I'm not all that interested in it, but considering just how old the series is, Mazinger itself is not too bad. Maybe one day, but I'm not using Mazinger in game, at least not on this playthrough. He tends to show up in a lot of these games, so we'll see what happens.

• Robot Romance Trilogy (Chodenji Robo Combattler V and Chodenji Machine Voltes V)

Both of these series are extremely old so I'm not sure how interested I am in watching them, especially considering the fact they both have a lot of episodes. Combattler has a devastating yo-yo attack of all things. I'm comfortable with giant robots being silly, but yo-yos aren't high on my list of cool robot attacks. I'm also not using either of these robots in my roster.

• Tekkaman Blade

Apparently the Radam aliens that are attacking the Earth in Super Robot Wars J come from this series. I don't think it's even technically a series about giant robots. The protagonist is capable of transforming into Tekkaman Blade, a being that resembles a mech but may not actually be one. I'm not terribly interested in this series, but if I get really bored I might try it out eventually. I am actually using Blade because he has powerful long range abilities that no one else really has. 

Out of that list, I'm going to try Brain Powerd, Mobile Suit Gundam SEED, Martian Successor Nadesico, and maybe Hades Project Zeorymer. I can't promise I'll finish them but I'm going to watch at least one spisode from each. I should write about my impressions soon.

The Focus (Day 246)

I'm really enjoying playing Super Robot Wars J. I think I've decided beyond a shadow of a doubt that I'm at the very least going to attempt to complete the first three Super Robot Wars games since fan translations exist for all of them. I'm sure the gameplay is pretty barebones compared to what I'm used to, but that's fine. I think it'll be interesting to have the perspective on the series. I'm also thinking about sampling a few of the anime series involved, although I don't necessarily know where to start. I'll need to do some research on that front.

I've even considered trying a playthrough of one of the games in Japanese. There are script translations available online. I think if I could consult a guide regularly it wouldn't be all that confusing since I'm so familiar with the series. It's hard to say, though. I'd like to try it at the very least. It would be really cool to play the PS2 remake of the Original Generation games since the graphics were upgraded pretty significantly. 

I haven't given up on Dragon Quest but I am taking a bit of a break from it. My current plan is to resume Dragon Quest III once I'm finished with Super Robot Wars J but my plans are never set in stone.I'm currently feeling a little enamored with giant robots so my attention might have to be directed elsewhere for a time. But that's fine. I've been making really good gaming progress so far this year so I have no reason to feel guilty--although feeling guilty about not playing enough games is a pretty troubling fact if you think about it. Eh, whatever makes me happy, I guess.

If I had to choose an anime to watch based on characters included in Super Robot Wars J, it might be Brain Powered. I know close to nothing about it, but the mech design is interesting and they're fun to use in the game. They teleport around and have very strong defensive abilities. I also like the character design of Hime and Yuu. Gundam Seed also looks like it could be interesting. If I were to sample some giant robot anime I think I'd be remiss if I didn't watch some Gundam series. Because I"m such an anime neophyte, I've really only seen Gundam Wing, a series that evidently gets a lot of flak from the more dedicated fans out there.

Sobriquet (Day 245)

It's 9 PM and I'm planning on staying up all night. I don't have a specific plan for what I'm going to be doing tomorrow, but it's clear that I need to be productive in some way. I still haven't gotten any calls back about jobs so it might serve me well to be proactive and make some calls myself. I have a good telephone voice and I know how to express myself--to sell myself, even. Beyond that, there are other opportunities to apply for positions online, which in all honesty I should be doing right now. I just woke up a few hours ago and I still feel like I'm not completely awake.

I don't feel great. I'm disappointed in myself because I can't get myself to stay motivated. My optimism so easily slips away. I don't know how to hold onto it. I'm not giving in to despair but I'm not taking action either. If I take the time to sit and consider my situation, I think I would be wildly depressed. I don't want that, because it would just be worse than the situation I'm in now. I'm in a lot of debt and I'm not in the best state of mind. I cover everything up--I bottle everything up and try to be as happy as I can in the moment. But it's not going to last. Not for very much longer.

I have the tools I need to accomplish my goals but I still find myself lagging behind. I felt helpless and confused before but now that I'm being given assistance I'm still hesitant to actually try to achieve my goals. Is it just laziness or fear of failure? I think large chunks of both factor into this. I need to sit down and make a list of the things I need to do--and then do them. I need to just get them done. I'm overwhelmed by everything that needs to be done so I just do nothing. . .but I have to stop that. I should start now, immediately. But I won't. I'm going to put it off. I could stop myself from procrastinating but I. . .don't want to. I'm not even that ashamed of that.

I'm capable of acknowledging how foolish I am but I have a hard time feeling guilty about it. I'm constantly in denial. It's the way I've learned to cope, to even exist. I'm making excuses, even to myself. I have to find a way to change that, but success isn't just going to fall into my lap. It's a troubling problem. So I'm going to make a promise to myself. As soon as the sun comes up or maybe even a little before that, I'm going to concentrate all my efforts into being productive. I'm going to start putting in some more online applications and once an appropriate amount of time has passed, I'll start making some calls. If I have nothing else to do, I'll wash some clothes and clean up around the house. 

Salmagundi (Day 244)

Super Robot Wars J

I am really excited about this game! As I mentioned in my entry yesterday, I'm a huge fan of the Original Generation games on the Game Boy Advance. Evidently, a fan translation existed for yet another GBA entry called Super Robot Wars J. It's more of a traditional entry into the series featuring mecha from several different anime series although it does include quite a few original characters as well. This is awesome because it allows me to try out a game with a more traditional style with gameplay that I'm intimately familiar with.

The graphics, art, and animations are all very similar to Original Generation, although it's clear when certain characters have inherited the art style from the anime they came from--some of which were clearly originally aired in the 80s. Anime series like Tekkaman Blade, Mazinger, Brain Powerd, Gundam Seed, and Full Metal Panic feature prominently in this game, most of which I've never seen or even heard of. I've heard of Gundam Seed and I've actually watched Full Metal Panic. Whenever I run into a mech from that series I'm definitely going to use it because I thought it was a pretty great anime.

Just like Original Generation, Super Robot Wars J is incredibly dialogue-heavy. Even though it's a glorified crossover of different anime series, Banpresto chooses not to skimp on the plot as they weave different stories into a complicated tangle. Each character's individual lore plays a part in the overall storyline in really interesting ways. I can only assume I'd find it more compelling if I'd watched more of the anime series in question--which, honestly, is something I might consider doing. I've always been a fan of giant robots but never watched much anime at all. My love of this series might motivate me to do something about that, although I can already tell by some of the character and mech designs that I most likely wouldn't be a big fan of a few of them.

Super Robot Wars J features very similar gameplay to Original Generation and to be honest, it's been so long since I've played it that it would be difficult for me to pinpoint all the subtle differences. What I can say is that it's much more common for robots to feature multiple pilots. You're prompted to select between two protagonists at the very beginning of the game. In Original Generation you chose between the young hothead Rysuei and the older level-healed Kyosuke, whose Alteisen mech is a personal favorite of mine. This time around you choose between a male and female protagonist and you even get to choose your mech between three different unique choices with differing strengths and weaknesses. The coolest part of this is that you get to name not only the unit itself, but all of its weapons. I appreciate it when games feature customization aspects like this.

The game is a blast to play but the fun I'm having is bittersweet because I realize there are precious few Super Robot Wars titles in English for me to enjoy. The first three Super Robot Wars titles are available but of course their gameplay is rather dated in comparison. Maybe I'll just have to watch a few of these anime series and pretend.

Cloud-hidden, Whereabouts Unknown (Day 243)

For several years now, I've been fascinated by the Super Robot Wars series. Like Front Mission, it's a strategy RPG series in which you take control of mecha units. However, Front Mission is deadly serious, political, and although it deals primarily with piloting giant robots, it's as realistic as could be reasonably expected. Super Robot Wars is more like watching a mecha anime from the 80s, although that doesn't make the storyline any less valid. At least in the case of the two Original Generation titles for Game Boy Advance, the plot and characters are actually really fascinating--if not incredibly campy. With upbeat, memorable music and over the top graphics and animation, Super Robot Taisen: Original Generation (as well as its sequel) left quite an impression on me and made me wish that more of the series was available in America.

Unfortunately, there is a pretty big problem with releasing titles from this series outside of Japan. The two Original Generation games were at most mildly successful, but in the end that has very little to do with why more titles from the series aren't available here. The traditional formula for a Super Robot Wars title is that of a crossover. There are games like Marvel vs. Capcom that are available in America but the fact that only two major companies are involved cuts down on the complexity of localization. In the case of Super Robot Wars, the average game includes characters and mecha from dozens of different anime series, some of which have been dubbed or subbed officially into English--but even so, securing the rights for all these titles so that a game in the series could be released in America would most likely be an absolute nightmare. All this for a title that in all likelihood would only appeal to a very niche audience.

It's not difficult to understand why Atlus hasn't chosen to attempt localizing more games from the series here, but it's pretty sad all the same. I absolutely adore the gameplay. It's somewhat similar to Fire Emblem, except each unit the player controls is a robot of some kind, most of which have one pilot--but some of them have many pilots, all of which have a set of abilities at their disposal. Pilots level up and learn new skills and gain statistics that affect their combat performance. The robots can be upgraded in a number of ways with cash as well and outfitted with special parts that augment their performance.

I loved Original Generation and its sequel and I'm really grateful Atlus chose to release them here. In fact, I'd love if Banpresto decided to put out more titles with all original characters--not because I'm opposed to the crossover concept but because I'd like to see more official English translations! Super Robot Wars games tend to have an extremely high amount of text, so I imagine localization is challenging. This is also why there aren't many fan translations available out there, although there are a few. Thanks to Aeon Genesis, fan translations exist for the first three Super Robot Wars titles on Game Boy, NES, and SNES respectively. I haven't played them, but I think I might one day just for the sake of completion. Their gameplay is most likely a lot more basic, but I think I could still have fun with them.

They've also translated Super Robot Wars Alpha Gaiden and I have played a few hours of it. It's actually quite good, but the fact that it is the second game of a series is disheartening to me. As silly as it might seem, I do care about the plot in these games. I can only hope someone decides to translate Super Robot Wars Alpha, but considering the aforementioned massive text in all of these games, I'm not going to hold my breath.

Variations on a Theme (Day 242)

Hello! I am deep into Dragon Quest III and I plan to play a whole lot more of it tonight. I've spent most of today so far playing League of Legends with a couple of friends--because that's how I like to enjoy my weekends. Or y'know, any day of the week. A novelty mode called URF (Ultra Rapid Fire) has been recently added to the game, supposedly only for a week. It is an insane mode where every champion starts the game with 80% cooldown reduction. What this means is that every champion can use their skills much much more frequently than usual, which sometimes leads to unanticipated results.

Champions with healing spells are almost impossible to kill because they can cast them over and over without stopping. Particularly strong was Sona, who has now been globally banned from the mode for being too strong. Alistar is however probably just as strong, if not moreso because of his incredibly strong CC. He is almost impossible to kill due to constant healing and his ability to knock enemies up and away. Although his damage output is relatively low, he is able to lay down enough disruption to whittle enemies down before they can even react. Another abuse case is Brand. If he can ignite an opponent with one of his fire spells, he can repeatedly throw his Fireball at that opponent to stun. The cooldown is short enough and the stun long enough that he can repeat this infinitely until the opponent dies--or an ally interrupts him.

Granted, the mode is not intended to be taken seriously and in fact it was introduced on April Fools Day--but it's not always a fun ride. If pitted against champions like Nidalee, Urgot, Hecarim, or the aforementioned Alistar, it can be difficult to actually have a good time. Like most modes introduced to the League of Legends community, a certain metagame is eventually decided upon. This is true even for novelty modes, as the popularity of ARAM (All Random All Mid) will attest. When the mode first debuted it was more about experimenting with different champions to see what crazy things they can do. It has now devolved into picking whatever champs are generally considered strongest and facerolling the opposing team if they do not comply with these standards.

It's not a problem with the League of Legends community necessarily. This kind of thing happens with any competitive gaming community that is large enough. Eventually the highest priority becomes winning--not just having fun. It makes me wonder what Riot Games could do with a single player or co-op game set in the League of Legends universe. I would definitely play it since I think they have a massive and colorful cast of characters to draw on. Personally, I would absolutely love an action RPG/dungeon crawler style of game in the vein of Diablo III but with League of Legends characters. Skills would have to be embellished to diversify the gameplay but I think it would be 100% doable.

% (Day 241)

Dragon Quest III

Unlike the first two titles of the series, Dragon Quest III sports a fancy job system. Unlike Final Fantasy, your party composition isn't determined at the very beginning of the game. Although you are allowed to choose the name and gender of the protagonist, their class is preset as Hero, a powerful class unobtainable through other methods. Other classes are acquired by recruiting companions from the local tavern. These companions can be recruited at any time but they always start at level 1. What I like about this is the fact that it allows me to experiment with different party compositions without restarting the game.

The available classes do share similarities with the original Final Fantasy game. They are Warrior, Fighter, Mage, Cleric, Thief, Jester, and Dealer. The obvious analogues for these classes are Fighter, Monk/Black Belt, Black Mage, White Mage, and Thief, with no obvious analogues for Jester and Dealer. Jesters, translated as Goof-Offs in the NES original are an oddball class that behaves unpredictably. However, they have the ability to promote into a Sage, a class normally only available for those that have access to a Zen Book at level 20. Dealers remind me of Merchants from The 4 Heroes of Light or Bravely Default in that they allow you to gain more money in battle.

Like Final Fantasy, Warriors can equip a wide variety of expensive weapons and armor. Fighters, which are very similar to Monks, equip very inexpensive gear and fight well unarmed. Mages specialize in offensive magic while Clerics typically use supportive magic. The composition I'm using, however, is Hero/Fighter/Thief/Dealer. I thought it might be interesting to use the Hero as the primary healer since she'll eventually have access to all of the major healing spells. Offensive magic seems unnecessary when physical attacks do so much damage. At least that was the case in Dragon Quest II where the protagonist dealt out far more damage per turn than his two allies.

The Thief has access to some utility skills that can locate towns and treasures, but they also get sky-high Agility. This is interesting because Agility is important to your characters' defensive statistics. As a result my Thief is by far my most durable party member while also occasionally stealing things from monsters after combat. Combined with the Dealer's ability to find extra gold, my income is pretty impressive. So far, the Hero has been more than an adequate healer to deal with any challenges I might face--but this could easily change. 

I'm finding Dragon Quest III more immediately engaging than II. I'm really getting into it already. I'm going to try to stick with this party composition until it really becomes a problem. If that happens, I'll just go grab a Cleric and even a Mage if need be. I do have a bit of a problem with my party members not being at even levels, but I'm sure I could find a workaround to that. I might even kill off the Hero if I need to.

I decided to make my Hero female as a change of pace. It's interesting how some NPCs will react to you.

Why is everyone so surprised?