The 2014 Video Game Retrospective

This is an entry about video games on a blog that has historically been pretty intensely focused on the subject--but it will also contain some thoughts on what's been happening in my life over the past year. I have made a habit of making my life entirely about video games on many occasions over this year. It could certainly be argued that my slavish devotion to these games is a touch misguided and it's inarguable that there's a host of more productive things on which I could spend my time. However, none of these intrusive thoughts have legitimately made me consider interrupting my breakneck pace of playing and completing games this year. I don't regret that. What I do regret is that I haven't been writing about it over the past month. I told myself I would take some time off and come back with more thoughtful and well-written content.

It remains to be seen whether or not I will turn this blog into something substantial. I updated it every single day for over a year and I think some good things came out of that exercise--but what is it I'm really looking for? Is it an audience? If that's the case, I'll have to write more interesting articles that could potentially appeal to a wider audience and then discover a way to get them seen.

For now, though, I need to do something I've been planning on doing for several months. I've played and finished a lot of games this year, some of which were a part of something I called the Backlog Eradication Marathon, an effort to revisit games previously abandoned and to finish them for good. In some cases, this took a lot more effort and time that I'd previously imagined. It might sound silly to consider a video game hard work, but in some cases it felt like it was! Some of these games I may not have bothered to complete under normal circumstances, but with the way my life has been over this past year, it felt good to pursue some sort of personal challenge and to chronicle my efforts. I felt pretty strongly that to analyze a game critically, I had to complete it first. Maybe this is short sighted, particularly for games that are essentially long stretches of the same kind of content for the majority of the game. At the same time, though, it felt pretty good to finally conquer these games I'd left sitting on the shelf for years in some cases. Without further ado, here's the list:

Completed 1/9 and 1/13

It's always been a practice of mine to list expansions as entirely new games on Backloggery. In most cases, I feel it works. There might be some niche expansions that definitely would not count as new games in their own right, but I can't think of many cases that I've listed where that's true, at the very least. Titan Quest: Immortal Throne may have only added another chapter to the game's content, but it was a very long one, and not unlike the addition of Lord of Destruction to Diablo II. In both cases, there were a number of pretty substantial additions that warranted listing them separately.

At the beginning of the year, I was unemployed and never left my house. I was in a pretty bad spot, all things told, both depressed and hopeless about my place in life. I won't say that the course of this year has been a meteoric rise for me, but it's at least pretty apparent that things have improved. At the time, though, I found solace in video games--and for the first time in quite awhile, I'd found someone I could socialize with in at least one way. I started playing some co-op games with a friend of mine (an old coworker, in fact) after I became interested in an action RPG in the vein of Diablo II by the name of Path of Exile. I remembered that my friend had been a huge fan of the genre so I messaged him on Steam about it. We started playing Path of Exile a lot. After we got a little burned out on that (we really did play it a lot), we started looking for something else to play. Titan Quest was something we'd actually played briefly several years ago while we were still coworkers. I remembered liking it and I can't actually remember why we stopped playing it back then. Honestly, it might have been because we started playing World of Warcraft together--for the first time, in fact.

Even though we were a little burned out on Path of Exile, we both still craved some action RPG gameplay. Titan Quest seemed like a perfect fit, even though it is a tad dated by today's standards. Still, we both enjoyed the game, and got quite a bit of playtime from it, despite some technical difficulties with Tunngle, a virtual LAN program we were using to play it cooperatively. After we were finally finished with that, I started racking my brains on what other cooperative games we could play. This was further complicated by the fact that I was hopelessly broke. We had to rely on games that we both already owned or could be obtained for free.

Completed 1/15

It was my suggestion that we try to jump even further into the past and play a game for the SNES--a classic action RPG that for some reason I'd never managed to complete. I enjoyed the game alone for the most part, and in fact I'd made quite a bit of progress in single player--but it just wasn't the same as playing with a partner, as I quickly came to find out. The game has flaws, yes, but it was still a blast to play cooperatively. I'm actually pretty surprised that story-driven, co-op RPGs like Secret of Mana aren't more common. It's a pretty damn successful formula. I'm glad that we were able to get through what is a very seminal release in the SNES catalog.

Completed 1/22

With Secret of Mana out of the way, it seemed like a no-brainer for us to move on to its Japan-only sequel. I'd known about the fan-translation for years (it was originally released in 2002 if I'm not mistaken) but again, had never managed to make my way all the way through it. I ended up enjoying SD3 a lot more than SoM although we did restart at least once because neither one of us liked having to rely on spellcasting characters too much. The constant pausing of gameplay was frustrating. I think the party we eventually finished the game with was Hawk, Kevin, and Duran.

Completed 2/23

Because I was woefully unemployed and my new co-op partner had an actual job, I still had plenty of free time on my hands to play single player games. I figured I had nothing better to do, so why not start tackling some games I'd been putting off for countless years? Why not do an entire Final Fantasy marathon? Well (spoiler alert) I didn't quite do that, but I did manage to finally finish the first in what has been a very important series in my life. I can honestly say I liked it, too, despite some frustrations with many of the game's dated elements. I did play the Final Fantasy Origins version of the game, but all of the original gameplay was completely intact--only the graphics were updated. I've always enjoyed job class systems in just about any game and although it is present only in its barest essentials in Final Fantasy, it was enough to keep me interested.

Completed 3/4

I can't honestly say I had nearly as favorable an impression of the second game of the series. SquareSoft elected to try something different with their sophomore effort, and although increasing basic attributes by performing actions tied to those attributes is a great idea in theory, in practice it was painfully tedious. If a few numbers had been tuned, it might have been a really streamlined and fun system. Leveling up magic in particular was a time consuming and often completely unnecessary process, in retrospect. I want the 34 hours this game took from me back--although I'm still happy to say I've finished almost every main series Final Fantasy now.

Completed 3/15

At this point, I was still laboring under the assumption that I was embarking on a massive Final Fantasy marathon. I thought dipping into a spin-off title might be a good idea, especially since I was planning on tackling a friend's copy of Bravely Default soon, a game that served as this title's spiritual successor. I think The 4 Heroes of Light is a good game, but it was also frequently quite tedious and annoyingly difficult. I'm surprised it only took me two weeks to finish. It felt like far longer, but I had nothing else better to do all day. . .

Completed 3/19

I had moved on to Bravely Default, but for some reason I wasn't feeling it. I decided to start clearing out my backlog more. My thought process was that a Kirby title would be quick and painless! Surprisingly, Kirby and the Amazing Mirror ended up being the longest and most convoluted Kirby game I'd ever played. It's structured more like a Castlevania or Metroid title than any Kirby I'd ever played. However, it's quite good and probably one of my favorites, even though it was frustrating to constantly get lost in the game's labyrinthine environments. This game will always remind me of House because I watched it constantly while playing. There are many games with which I've established similar strange connections. Tales of Symphonia reminds me of death metal, for instance!

Completed 3/23

Completed 3/26

"Maybe I'll just have a Kirby marathon instead of a Final Fantasy one?" This was my next thought, because I'd already become burned out on Final Fantasy. I didn't enjoy Mass Attack as much as Amazing Mirror or in fact pretty much any other Kirby title I've played. I wouldn't say it was a bad game, per se, but it didn't feel much like Kirby at the end of the day. There's no copying of powers, and most of the gameplay is built around pushing tons of little Kirbies around to complete various puzzles. Combat boils down to throwing 20 Kirbies at things. It was interesting, but not my favorite.

Okay, never mind about the Kirby thing, I thought. Let's do a Dragon Quest marathon! I've just finished  the first two Final Fantasies, so it should be no big deal to do the same thing with Dragon Quest, right? After all, Dragon Quest literally only took me 9 hours to finish and it was quite easy, all things told. There was some minor grinding, but other than that, I got through it without incident. I liked it! It was simple and refreshing.

Completed 4/3

As with the first two Final Fantasy titles, I attempted to play the definitive versions of Dragon Quest and Dragon Quest II. Thanks to the thriving ROM hacking community, a fan translation exists of the Dragon Quest I + II SNES compilation. Dragon Quest II layers on the complexity by allowing the player to field a party of three individual characters, all of which have their own attributes and spells. Battle mechanics remain mostly the same, but the biggest change by far was the actual world map, which positively dwarfs the first title in size. I had to consult a map on GameFAQs frequently to have any hope of finding my way--and I still got lost quite often. I still have trouble believing a game from the NES area could be so dizzyingly massive. It made the worlds of any of the early Final Fantasy games pale in comparison. I did quite enjoy the game, as it was notably longer, more complex, and more difficult than its predecessor.

Completed 4/7

Predictably, my Dragon Quest marathon halted right there--although not necessarily because I wasn't ready to move on. A good friend of mine purchased me a copy of the Diablo III expansion because I was still unemployed and he's a really nice guy. I burned through it in just a day or two with my trusty witch doctor and enjoyed it. I'm a fan of pretty much any game in the genre, but Diablo style games tend not to have a lot of longevity with me. In the case of Reaper of Souls, it had less sticking power than Path of Exile, so it wasn't long before I moved on.

Completed 4/23

Completed 6/11

Super Robot Wars J was a revelation to me because I had no idea it existed until I stumbled across a fan translation in my internet travels one day. I'm a huge fan of Super Robot Wars Original Generations (both games) on GBA. They are still the only games in the series to have official North American localizations--so when I found out a more traditional title existed from that era that I could actually play in English, I was overjoyed! I ended up loving it, even though the only anime characters from the game I recognized were from Full Metal Panic. I became a tad obsessed with the game during this time and started watching several of the anime featured in the game--and this is a little strange, because I'd never been a big anime fan. I watched a lot, but I still haven't finished a single one of those series aside from the original Full Metal Panic.

Completed 6/20

Hey, why not do a Super Robot Wars marathon?! Marathons always work out for me, right?! This game took me longer to complete than probably any other game I've played this year, due to a number of factors. I finally started at a job in April (I'm still working there, thankfully) and found myself with significantly less free time than usual. Beyond that, however, Alpha Gaiden is just a tremendously long game--and not a particularly easy one, either. I never had a pilot/robot in Alpha Gaiden that seemed as devastatingly powerful as some of my units from Super Robot Wars J. I was also tasked with taking control of many more units than I was accustomed to and missions frequently took over an hour to complete--all 43 of them. To top it all off, I was even less familiar with the many mecha anime on display, although Alpha Gaiden did include characters from Gundam Wing, one of the few anime I've watched to completion. I still think it's a great game, but it was glacially paced and quite tough! I was sick of Super Robot Wars by the time I was done. I wouldn't mind jumping back into it now, but my options are sadly quite limited.

Although Alpha Gaiden was a hellishly time consuming project for me, I was glad that I'd finally managed to complete it. I'd started it a couple of years before and abandoned it. I got the idea at that point to start a marathon (yeah. . .) of games from my backlog. I knew that playing multiple games from the same series back to back frequently did not work for me. I did it for Super Robot Wars and became incredibly sick of the series (although now I look back on them fondly) so I decided instead to jump around in my backlog and take them out one by one. The only catch was that I had to play only one game at a time. Lunar 2 is a classic RPG that I'm really surprised I never finished before this year. I have nothing but good things to say about it. It's reasonably challenging, fun, charming, and a relatively short play, much like its predecessor.

Completed 6/25

At this point, I figured I might as well try to clear out my PlayStation backlog completely. I didn't have many left and it seemed like a fun thing to do. Vandal Hearts is an indescribably ugly game to look at, but it has sharp tactical RPG gameplay and a fun class-branching system. It is the shortest game I played this year other than the original Dragon Quest, clocking in at only around 14 hours. It is extremely fast-paced for a strategy RPG, not unlike games from the Disgaea series--but without the endless level grind. I've briefly played the sequel to Vandal Hearts and I'm sad to say it's completely broken and unplayable! I've heard decent things about Vandal Hearts: Flames of Judgment on the other hand, so I might attempt to give that a try one day. I feel pretty safe in saying there are a number of games on my list that have a higher priority. After all, I still have a decently sized backlog to clear out.

Completed 7/2

On the complete opposite end of the spectrum is Vagrant Story, built from a hodgepodge of mechanics and beautiful artwork. I feel like I had to do an extreme amount of studying to get my mind around Vagrant Story's unique gameplay and combat system--but I can say I definitely like it. It was very challenging and if I'm being honest the plot was almost completely incomprehensible to me. The dialogue was extremely well written and the art direction was fantastic albeit marred by the PlayStation's primitive hardware. I spent a not inconsiderable amount of time absolutely lost while playing Vagrant Story. I'm sure an individual with a better sense of direction would have been able to complete Vagrant Story in less than 20 hours, but I ended up clocking in at around 24. I've never been great at navigating 3D games, especially when it comes to games with as mazelike a structure as Vagrant Story.

Completed 7/6

Next on the list is Tales of Destiny, a game I'm shocked only took me four days to finish. It felt like an eternity. I did pick up on a file that was already in progress, but the structure of the latter half of the game was built around a series of painfully tedious mazes chock full of that most beloved of mechanics--random encounters. The battle system was really the game's only redeeming factor, because the plot and characters certainly weren't going to save it. It's definitely not my favorite Tales title, but I'm still glad I finished it. My original plan was to move on to Tales of Eternia, but I wasn't yet ready to tackle another Tales game after what ToD put me through. I have plans to play through more of the Tales series, but I know full well how well my plans usually work out.

Completed 7/16

It was at this point that I broke my rule of not playing any games on the side. It was for a good reason though, because I started playing games with my co-op partner again. I decided that it was okay to play one single player game when he wasn't available--and one co-op game when he was. I continued this process for awhile. He purchased Borderlands 2 for me during a sale, because even though I'd been working for some time, I was pouring all of my cash into paying off debts and frankly, surviving. I also wasn't making commission yet, so my funds were decidedly limited. I'm not a huge fan of shooters, but Borderlands 2's plentiful RPG elements and fun cooperative gameplay were enough to salvage the game for me. I'd played through the original game with another friend when I was living in Austin, Texas in 2012.

Completed 7/23

I saved what I felt would be the longest and most complex title left on the PlayStation for last in my Backlog Eradication Marathon. It turned out that I was correct about the game's length, but it was a much shorter and more focused game than Front Mission 4, a game I finished in 2012 after having owned it for four years. Front Mission 3 took me around 35 hours to finish, whereas the fourth game in the series took me at least 20 hours more than that. I really do enjoy the Front Mission series, particularly when it comes to assembling and upgrading your mechs (called wanzers in the series) for combat. The only games in the series I have left to complete are Front Mission 2 and 5, both of which have never been officially released in English. FM5 has a complete English fan translation available, but FM2 is only partially translated. These are both games I plan to play someday.

Completed 8/6

Divinity: Original Sin was probably the first game I bought with my own money the entire year. I still wasn't completely comfortable financially, but I was able to set aside from cash to buy the game at my co-op partner's suggestion. It ended up being a great investment that for which we both got about 70 hours of playtime. It felt weird to play a very story-driven CRPG cooperatively, but in the end it totally worked for me. It's definitely a great game and deserves all the praise it's been getting this year. It blends many of the best elements of classic Western RPGs like Baldur's Gate with turn-based tactical combat more along the lines of XCOM. My only real disappointment with Divinity is that there aren't more games like it. It feel as if my co-op partner and I have completely run out of games to play together. I might have to start playing shooters at this rate.

Completed 8/11

I'd been playing Dissidia 012 since I finished Front Mission 3, only taking breaks from it to play Divinity when my co-op partner was available. Since I'd cleared out my PlayStation backlog completely, I decided to move onto the PSP, a platform I hadn't touched in a couple of years. The PSP is an oft forgotten system that nonetheless features a handful of really great games. Both Dissidia titles definitely rank up there as some of the best games on the system. I decided to start with Dissidia 012 because I wanted to play something with more action since I'd just played a string of mostly slow turn-based games. As it turned out, Dissidia 012 has a ton of content to unlock and conquer, some of which was fiendishly difficult. It took me much longer than I'd anticipated, much like Super Robot Wars Alpha Gaiden a couple months beforehand. I only managed to finish it as quickly as I did because I poured every once of my free time into it. Honestly, I could have considered the game completed without finishing the Confessions of the Creator campaign, but just playing through the classic mode really seemed like a copout.

Completed 8/15

Way back in June, I'd finally cobbled together the funds to purchase a new smartphone to replace my long out of service iPhone 4. I'd decided to try out Android this time around and purchased the then brand new HTC One M8, which plunged me into the wonderful world of Android emulation, allowing me to play retro games on my lunch breaks at work. I started with DeSmUme, a terrific Nintendo DS emulator--and immediately began plucking away at Fire Emblem: New Mystery of the Emblem on hard mode. This might have been a mistake, since it drastically increased the amount of time required to complete the game. Each of my play sessions was only 30 to 45 minutes long. I eventually grew frustrated with how slowly I was making my way through the game so I set aside an evening to press through the latter half of the game so I could move on. I love the Fire Emblem series, but New Mystery and Shadow Dragon are among the weaker entries, despite their standing as enhanced remakes.

Completed 8/22

Okay, so I'd had my dose of action in Dissidia 012, so why not play another tactical RPG? I'd already finished two this year (Vandal Hearts and Front Mission 3) so one more shouldn't have been an issue. Gungnir is an interesting game, but a very difficult and flawed one. There were many times where I felt skeptical I'd actually be able to finish it, but I somehow persevered. Gungnir's developer Sting is known for incorporating a lot of oddball mechanics in their games so I shouldn't have expected a vanilla strategy RPG in the first place--but I don't feel Gungnir is one of their more successful experiments. I liked games like Riviera, Knights in the Nightmare, and Yggdra Union better than this one. I wasn't particularly fond of how the enemy seemed to be given all the advantages in terms of unit movement and taking actions.

Completed 9/7

Next on the list was yet another strategy RPG--but in this case it was a remake of a game with which I was already very familiar. Final Fantasy Tactics: The War of the Lions is an excellent remake of a game that was already very good. The PSP version corrected what was probably the PS1 version's biggest flaw--its poor translation. Unfortunately, I was rather burned out on strategy RPGs by this point, and my decision to embark on what was a very completionist playthrough of War of the Lions left me with a rather poorer reaction to the game that I might have otherwise had. I did enough grinding to unlock the PSP version exclusive Dark Knight class, which made the rest of the game an absolute joke to blaze through.

Completed 9/20

I closed out my PSP backlog with--again--what I thought would be the longest and most complex title. In this case, Dissidia 012 was still the most time consuming PSP game I played this year, but Innocent Sin ended up being a close second at roughly 50 hours. Although it wasn't as long as Persona 3 or 4, it did clock in at around 50 hours or so, at least double that of the original SMT: Persona title. I liked Innocent Sin a lot, despite some decidedly weird plot elements involving nazis and Hitler. I really enjoy how these early Persona titles allow the player to field a five character party and I'm puzzled as to why future entries abandoned that concept. Fortunately, the recently released Persona Q brings this feature back, although not Persona 2's excellent combo system, unfortunately.

Completed 9/25

I was on a full on Persona mood at this point (I'm still in this mood) and decided to tackle Persona 4 Arena, a title I'd known about for some time but never had the funds to purchase. I'm not great at fighting games, but this one featured a fun, although overly easy single player campaign. The pacing is very weird since the game's plot is delivered in a visual novel style only occasionally broken up by traditional fighting game matches. The plot itself is interesting, since it features characters from both Persona 3 and Persona 4 a short time after Persona 4's ending. This means characters like Akihiko and Mitsuru have aged two years since the ending of Persona 3. The way these characters have changed is a little strange, but it's fun to see what Atlus/Arc System Works came up with.

Completed 10/1

I'd been putting off finishing Torchlight II for the longest time. When I first started playing the game, I was convinced by my friend to play it in Elite difficulty. After reaching Act 3 on my berserker, I hit a brick wall and was unable to progress. Soon afterward, my video card died and I found myself unemployed and therefore unable to play the game. Once I finally did buy myself a new card, I set my sights on finally finishing up the game--only to find that it was nearly impossible to do so alone. My co-op partner and I had run out of other games to play, so I begged him to help me get through it. This is definitely not my favorite action RPG, but it's a solid game into which I'd already pumped a lot of my time.

Completed 10/3

As it turns out, I started Persona 4 Arena just shortly before Ultimax was set to release. I hadn't known about it beforehand, but I was pretty eager to give it a try since the rest of the Persona 3 cast was set to show up. Junpei, Yukari, and Ken all underwent pretty drastic changes in their character designs over the course of two years. I was a little disappointed with what they did with Junpei--he'd evidently become a baseball coach and now wielded a bat as a weapon--but Yukari's new role as a TV superhero was a funny and interesting touch.I enjoyed this one a lot too, although the gameplay was largely the same. The campaign was structured in such a way that the player could experience the story while switching from character to character, which cut down on the repetition inherent to the first game quite a bit.

Completed 10/13

I was finally making some money and doing the responsible thing by buying video games. I felt a little bad about it because I still had a massive backlog to get through, but I kept seeing these games that were coming out that I just had to have. I enjoyed this game a lot too (much like the original Theatrhythm) but I was still disappointed in the wasted potential of the "combat system." Playing and completing the songs (all of which originated from the Final Fantasy series and related titles) would result in your characters gaining experience and new abilities. Most of this was little more than meaningless background content that seldom had an effect on your performance in the game. Regardless of your party's makeup, completing songs accurately would result in success. I just feel Square-Enix could have done a lot more with the format. This marked my 30th completed game, which I'd decided was my goal for the year. Of course, with two and a half months left to go in the year, that left the possibility of hitting 35. . .

Completed 10/21

Lufia II: Rise of the Sinistrals is the second game I played entirely on my phone. I started playing it right after I finished New Mystery of the Emblem, so yeah, it definitely took me awhile. RPGs definitely take some time when you only play them in 45 minute sessions, as it turns out. Lufia II is a great game that dramatically eclipses its predecessor in quality. Although I'm not generally a fan of puzzles as a general rule, Lufia II's wide variety of fiendishly difficult puzzles were genuinely interesting and fun. I'd be lying if I said I didn't consult GameFAQs on a few occasions when I was stuck, though. I got stuck a lot. . .

Completed 10/30

Because I'd already hit my goal of 30 games, I felt like it wouldn't be a big deal to start playing an MMO. I'd been meaning to try out Final Fantasy XIV for some time and when I saw it was on sale on Steam for only $10, I decided to take advantage of that. I wanted to take my time and experience what the game had to offer. Even so, it only took me about a month to hit the level cap of 50 on my trusty dragoon. I really enjoyed all the callbacks to classic Final Fantasy and enjoyed the music, the atmosphere, and the game's beautiful graphics. The combat is a little slow-paced compared to other MMOs I've played, but it's something one grows accustomed to after some time. The fact that many melee abilities require some kind of positioning requirement goes a long way toward making things interesting and bosses typically feature an array of interesting mechanics. As with every other MMO I've played, I lost interest just about as soon as I hit level 50. I'd be interesting in trying out different classes at some point in the future, but I'll probably wait until the expansion, Heavensward comes out before I do so.

Completed 11/2

Once I received my first commission check after getting full status at work, I found myself overjoyed at the options I saw before me. I bought a Wii U and Bayonetta 2, proceeding to devour the game within days. It was quite challenging, but extremely fun, even if I don't particularly care for Bayonetta's new look. I briefly considered the possibility of playing the game again on a higher difficulty, but these thoughts were quickly dismissed when I found out that the game's alternate character Jeanne was not altogether very different from Bayonetta herself--and of course the fact that I still had a lot of games left in my backlog. The Wii U also came with New Super Mario Bros. U, which I expected to complete in a timely fashion as well--but that has so far proven not to be the case. It's now the end of the year and nowhere close to being completed. Onward to 2015 for that one, I say.

Completed 11/21

I'd already decided that my Backlog Eradication Marathon was on indefinite hiatus, so I figured I'd go ahead and try out the new World of Warcraft expansion, Warlords of Draenor. I had little to no expectations of it, but I have to say I was pleasantly surprised by it! Warlords of Draenor is almost completely self contained and features no real interaction with the game's older content. This design decision results in a game that feels very fresh and new--no small feat considering the base game is ten years old now and the level cap was just raised to 100. Questing through the orc homeworld of Draenor was great fun. Maintaining and upgrading my garrison was even more fun--but just like with FFXIV, I lost interest soon after I hit the level cap. I may have played for longer if I'd had some other folks to play with, but they jumped ship to play more Diablo 3 around that time. Radelle, the blood elf paladin, is going into retirement for now, but she may well return in the future.

Completed 12/16

Finally, the last game I completed this year was Breath of Fire II, third of the games I played and finished entirely on my phone. As per usual, I finished the latter parts of the game while at home. Somehow, I doubt there'll be an RPG I finish entirely at work, but I could definitely see a shorter game of another genre working in 30-45 minute sessions. It's actually a little depressing to learn that I've only finished one game in a month's time, but 35 is a nice number to end on for the year and still a vast increase from my previous high of 22 in 2012. Breath of Fire II ended up being way more trouble to finish than I'd imagined. It was generally a breeze until the final dungeon, which was like hitting a massive implacable brick wall. Only after hours of grinding was I capable of making my way through it. I'm left with somewhat of a mixed impression of this game because many of the game's most fun mechanics were introduced near the end of the game--and then for a significant chunk of the final dungeon you don't have access to them. It stinks of bad planning to me, but I still think my impression of this particular version of the game was overall positive. I played the fan translation, which vastly improves on the original NA localization's clumsy script.

The only conclusion I can draw from this whole exercise is that I really enjoy video games and writing about them. I've been told by at least one friend that I'm insane for "forcing" myself to play through so many games I might not have otherwise completed--and it's true I may not have necessarily enjoyed every second of it, but it does fill me with a tremendous sense of accomplishment every time I finish one of these games. Even if I don't love every single one of these games, I really enjoy having perspective on them and being able to write about them objectively. Will I play nearly this many games next year? Will I finally get through my backlog? Probably not. But I will continue to investigate new things I can do for this blog, even if no one but myself reads it. It's a really fun thing to do!

Live

It's been roughly two weeks since I've updated this thing, but my schedule as a whole has remained largely the same. I've been playing a lot of video games. In fact, it's safe to say I'm playing more than before. This month is pretty crazy as far as new game releases go. On the 13th (only a few days after my last update), the new World of Warcraft expansion, Warlords of Draenor came out. I decided to give it a try despite my skepticism. I liked Mists of Pandaria but I wasn't sure about what I'd heard about his new expansion. Many abilities have been pruned and rotations and playstyles have been simplified.

I shouldn't have worried. Warlords of Draenor is fantastic and breathes life into a game that has become somewhat stagnant. I can't say that I've experienced the breadth of content the expansion has to offer, but because I've hit level 100, I can say I've definitely played enough of it to give a fair impression. The vast majority of my play time thus far has been on my blood elf paladin, Radelle. I've spent more time on her than any other character, by my estimation. It might be a close race with some of my old Alliance characters because I can recall many all-day heroic dungeon fests on my human priest, Isara. I really miss that class and I'm wondering if I maybe should have used my free level 90 boost on my troll priest instead of druid--but it's too late to worry about that now.

As a whole, many of the new zones (some of which are remixes on old Outlands zones from the classic Burning Crusade expansion) are beautiful to look at and feature tons of solid quests and content to explore. Each zone is positively littered with treasures in out-of-the-way places. Because it is not yet possible to fly in the new Draenor zones, many of these treasures require some level of creativity to acquire--as well as the use of such novelty items as the Goblin Hang Glider. These treasures generally reward you with gold, garrison resources (more on that later) and ultimately, satisfaction.

Exploration is generally very heavily rewarded in Warlords of Draenor. In addition to the aforementioned treasures, each zone features a large number of unique and powerful boss mobs not directly tied to any of the area's quests. These bosses serve as interesting optional objectives and reward players with unique item drops. Many of them will require assistance from other players, but many classes will have few issues with soloing them. Other optional objectives feature in every zone and can only be completed once. These objectives boast impressive experience and gold rewards at the expense of usually being quite time consuming.

The most satisfying and notable feature introduced in Warlords of Draenor is, for my money, the garrison. Each player gains access to their own instanced base of operations during one of the game's early quests that can be customized and upgraded to the player's liking. Soon, a variety of followers obtained by various means will come streaming into this base. These followers can be assigned to garrison buildings and/or sent on missions to acquire gold, experience, and other rewards. Each follower has specific abilities and traits that serve a variety of different purposes and counter different threats. A follower with the Heroic Leap ability counters the Danger Zones threat, for instance, and will be much more likely to succeed on a mission in which this is a factor. Before followers are dispatched, you are given a percentage likelihood of success. I rarely send them off if it's below 90% because I don't want to waste my hard-earned garrison resources.

Overall, I feel Warlords of Draenor is a tremendously successful expansion and I'm looking forward to playing it regularly in the months to come. I'm already cutting my teeth on some of the endgame dungeons and I'm pleasantly surprised at their difficulty! I'm sure I'd be playing the game nonstop if not for the fact that November has been an absolutely insane month for new releases. Just two days ago I purchased the new Super Smash Bros for Wii U and Pokemon Alpha Sapphire. Two days from now I'll be purchasing Persona Q for 3DS. There'll be more on those to come, but for now I'm going to have to get back to it!

Climb

So, it actually feels pretty refreshing to not feel obligated to update every day, but at the same time I really wonder what I've lost with my decision. It's ten days into the month and I've only updated a single time. It was a decent entry--but let's stop and think about this for a second. I used to be able to come up with something to say every single day and only occasionally did I feel like I was really struggling to come up with topics for discussion. I don't want to become complacent. If the quality of my writing was wavering, then fine--it's good that I've done this. It's good that I'm making more of an effort to relax and not subject myself to so many personal challenges. Besides, the challenges I impose on myself aren't usually the most productive ones. They usually involve video games or writing. That's really it. Obviously I care about these two things a lot, but I'm not getting the things accomplished that I wanted to do--like working out and like cleaning my house. I've talked about these things so much but they're still not done, not consistently.

What is it that I'm waiting for exactly? Am I expecting someone to give me a nudge to accomplish the things I want to do? Shouldn't that desire be all that I need? As disheartening as it might be sometimes, I have to seriously come to terms with the fact that I am aging rapidly and I need to learn how to motivate myself and to seriously try to accomplish the things that I want for myself. I can talk all I want about taking baby steps and setting small goals for myself--and believe me, I have! I've talked about it a lot. But I can't even follow up on those goals so I don't know why I keep hoping I can accomplish greater things. The things I want aren't just going to fall into my lap. I have to make an effort and keep climbing the hill, even when it's uncomfortable for me to go on.

I made a small list of things that I wanted recently--and for a period of time I did my best to go after those things. I spent a lot of money on clothes and I got a drastic haircut. I loved the clothes but grew to hate the haircut. I let my dissatisfaction grow into obsession until I could barely concentrate on what I was doing on a daily basis. I got a second haircut in an effort to repair the first one--and I like it now for the most part, even if it's still not quite what I want. It's so frustrating to me that I can't ever get things to work just the way I'd like. It's frustrating that I put a lot of myself into something but then I lose motivation and succumb to depression--and I backslide. I slide down the hill and I'm overwhelmed with the work it would require to climb back up. It happens over and over in ways big and small.

This blog served as an anchor for me in my life. It was something that I did every day and tried really hard to accomplish. But I think I also used it as a crutch. I felt like if I took the time to write a blog entry every night then I wouldn't feel bad when I didn't do other things like clean or exercise. Or socialize. Now that I'm not updating as frequently, I'm finding more time for these things. I'm not exercising nearly often enough, and cleaning has certainly been an intermittent thing. I've been hanging out with a friend of mine every so often, though. I even drove to a nearby town I've been afraid of driving in for years. I'm trying to break out of my comfort zone a little. I'm taking baby steps--but I still can't find it in myself to be satisfied or anywhere even close to content.

I need to make greater strides in changing myself--but every time I think about the work that would require, I am consumed by the enormity of it. It's terrifying. But you know, if I really think about it, I have changed in a lot of ways over the last year or so. I don't think I'll ever be this incredible social butterfly. I'll always be anxious and nervous in social situations. The only thing I can change is how easily I take those emotions in stride, how easily I cope with them. I think what I've improved on the most is the ability to be self aware and to be honest with myself. I feel like I'm not the kind of person that has to pretend that he's something he's not. I'm a nerd. I'm not masculine. I'm overweight and uncomfortable in social situations. I think these things will always be true to a certain extent. I'm learning to embrace these things about myself. Grappling with body image issues is by far the most difficult aspect of that for me.

I'm not ready to say goodbye to this blog. I'm not going silent. There's still a ton I want to talk about and to write about. There's too much for me to express that I simply can't share with anyone else in my life. And yeah, I'll get back to the video games at some point. I'm still planning a huge retrospective entry on the games I've played this year to be written sometime in December. I think it might be a great idea to start planning it now. It's been on my mind lately. There's still quite a few big games coming out this month that will color my whole perspective on the year. I'll have plenty of writing material once this month is over.

The Calm

Alright, so I decided to stop updating every day. It was honestly kind of a spur of the moment decision and although I still harbor doubts and feel a little bad about it, I think I mostly feel like it's the right thing to do. Forcing myself to write every single day is not actually all that healthy for keeping my creative juices flowing. It puts me in these situations far too often where I'm phoning it and slavishly adhering to some bogus self-imposed obligation. A lot of my entries comes across as pretty stilted and awkward for this reason. I can't think of exactly what to say so I ramble on endlessly and go on a lot of different tangents simply to fill up space. I'd like to not have to do this anymore. I'm not going to say it'll never happen again because I think it's safe to say that it will. Beyond everything else, this blog is a repository of my thoughts. Sometimes those thoughts go spinning wildly in different directions and there's not much I can do to contain them. This is exactly the time I should be writing entries in this blog.

A part of me is sad that I broke my streak--but if I'm being honest with myself there were several times that happened anyway and I double updated or otherwise fudged the rules to make up for it. I can't count the number of times I updated after midnight, for instance--and a number of times early on I completely forgot to update until the next morning. This kind of thing gradually petered off over time, but recently I've been feeling awfully clueless on what to actually say. It didn't feel as important or as necessary to keep these entries coming every single day. I was doing it because I'd gotten into the habit of it but it wasn't something that felt at fulfilling anymore. Not every day, at least. I shouldn't be writing these entries when I legitimately don't have anything to say.

I have been grappling with depression recently for a number of painfully trivial reasons. Most of the things that make me sad aren't actually all that significant when taken at face value or when taken separately. Lots of little things tend to snowball into making me miserable. It's part of the reason I've been trying to focus on sorting out all these little things to gradually increase my happiness level. It's why I've focused more on how I dress and I how I look--because although I don't feel one's appearance should dictate one's station or sense of self-worth, I would be lying if I said my self-esteem doesn't get boosted when I feel I look more attractive. I got a haircut--and then another haircut to repair that haircut because I felt it had been done poorly. I was losing my mind looking in mirrors every few minutes, trying to come to terms with what my hair looked like. It's such a silly thing to even worry about, but it was stressing me out like you wouldn't believe. I'm an extraordinarily self-conscious person. I imagine if I felt I was attractive I would also be extremely vain.

Of course, I also have to deal every day with the reality of my job. I am a salesman and am tasked every day with dealing with the public and being courteous and personable with complete strangers. There are some days where this seems like such a monumental task that I don't know how I even stand it. I don't know how I even get out of bed in the morning sometimes. It's so hard and so painful--so often. I hope every day that I can work towards feeling better about this kind of thing because I know the person that can deal with this is inside me. Unfortunately, I have thus far not been able to coax him out. He is asleep at the wheel and all is left is this terrified little kid who fidgets nervously and sweats profusely. My job is so frequently just this mountain of stress crashing into me violently. Am I getting better? I don't know. I sell a lot of phones but I still feel pretty terrible!

I'm glad I haven't completely abandoned this blog. It has been a very important thing in my life for over a year now. I believe that turning this blog into something that isn't perfunctory for me will greatly improve the quality of my writing. It's very likely I'll write about the same things as always--less frequently, but at greater length. I will no longer burn myself out on certain topics by writing about them on a daily basis. I'm not sure what else is to come. This blog may never be some professional writing project like I'd imagined it could be, but it will definitely be something helpful to me, both as an outlet and a catalog of my life and interests.

Spiral

Looks like that cold front I've been hearing about has finally come in. It's absolutely frigid tonight--and here's me with nothing more than a mediocre space heater for comfort. I don't mind all that much though, to be honest. The cold is a little uncomfortable, but at least I can dress warm and huddle up under some blankets. It also helps that I just recently purchased some new warm clothing to wear. I should be set, even if temperatures dip even lower than they are now.

Today was Halloween and work was way busier than I expected. Unfortunately, we were also lacking in coverage. I don't know if everyone asked off for Halloween or what, but man did that holiday not stop people from streaming in and demanding cell phones. I'm glad I got more sales but I was busy from the time I came in to the time I clocked out. We only had two salespeople scheduled for the day and there wasn't honestly a ton of overlap between our shifts. My co-worker was gone by 4 o'clock and I came in at 1. The manager and assistant manager had to help out to process the huge crowd of customers--which is honestly not something they do a lot.

I've been making mistakes at work lately and although I feel I can correct them, I'm worried about what kind of precedent I'm setting. If I keep screwing up, I wonder how much longer my manager (or even the district manager) will want to keep me there. It's something I worry about frequently and it generally puts me in a sour mood. I've been having a tough time in general actually relaxing and being happy lately--for reasons that I can't really ascertain. I'm not eating nearly as much as usual, so I imagine that must have something to do with it. Of course, I'm not getting a lot of sleep either, but that's really nothing new.

I can't think of any job I've ever had where I wasn't worried about getting fired. I so frequently get flustered and screw things up--or worse, I'm just lazy about getting my work done. It's something about myself that I earnestly wish to change, but these things are easier said than done. Suffice to say, though, I'd be devastated if I were to lose this job. It's not an amazing job, but it's honestly probably the best I've ever had. Taking my commission into account, I'm making quite a lot of money--and on part time hours, too! The work is frequently quite stressful and I am tasked on a daily basis with interacting with real human beings in ways that make me uncomfortable. But I don't think I'm going to ever have a job where I'm not required to interact with other people in some way. It's silly to shrink from that responsibility.

I've been trying really hard lately to feel better about myself, but circumstances beyond my control--and ok, some things that are in my control--keep getting in my way. I'm worried about my work performance and the mountain of paperwork I'm required to familiarize myself with in order to be prepared for every ridiculous niche scenario. I'm on disciplinary probation right now for an unreported cash variance--and it happened again tonight! It was only 36 cents and I reported it, called the customer, and fixed the error--but it still happened again. On consecutive nights. That must surely look bad for me. I honestly don't remember it happening at all, but then I never do. It's immensely frustrating how little control I seem to have over my own actions sometimes.

I doubt strongly I'll be fired over a 36 cent cash variance, but it's the pattern of behavior that worries me more. As much as I'd like to believe I can perform my job consistently, I have to wonder how many more times I can screw up before the management decides that enough is enough. I just feel like I have a time limit and that really depresses me.

Jumble

I have reached level 50 in Final Fantasy XIV and acquired my final dragoon ability. I haven't finished out the story quests and there's a ton of content I haven't experienced yet--but I think it still feels right to take a break from it for now. I may not renew my subscription right away. It's expiring in a few days. I've been devoting a considerable amount of time to the game for a month now and I think it would be nice for me to spend some time on some other games. I still need to finish Bayonetta 2 and maybe work some more on clearing out my backlog. Then again, Smash Bros and Persona Q are both coming out quite soon and I'd definitely rather focus on those.

I am ludicrously tired at the moment and considered at length not writing a blog entry at all. I really don't feel extremely pressured to write these entries anymore. My update schedule is still roughly once a day, but my updates are frequently coming in after midnight these days. One could make the argument that I've missed a couple of days lately. I can't really bring myself to get upset about it, though. If I had more interesting things to write about, I imagine I'd write about them! Then again, maybe I"m not feeling super reflective, even if I am interested in the stuff I'm writing about. After all, I have recently purchased a new console, a whole new wardrobe, and hit my activation quota at the last minute at work today. These are presumably interesting things to write about and things that should excite me--but I'm focusing more on the fact that I am exhausted right now.

My mother finally took her dogs to a shelter today. I've been taking care of them for a long time but never much cared for them. They're all really old dogs and they bark incessantly at all hours of the night. My mother didn't have room for them in her place. It wasn't fair for her to saddle me with the responsibility of taking care of them, but if I were a more gracious person I might have shouldered the burden gracefully. They were not well-trained dogs, though, and there was nothing I could do to change that even if I was capable of training dogs in the first place. They were too old and set in their ways. As a result, the room they stayed in was frequently a smelly mess that I loathed the thought of entering. I'm glad I don't have to deal with that anymore, but I have to admit I feel a little bad for my mother. She loved those dogs and had to give them up because I couldn't handle the responsibility of taking care of them.

Of course, those dogs have also been somewhat a part of my life for years and years, too. It's weird that they're gone now and that I'm partially responsible for it. I never demanded that they be taken away but I heavily insinuated I was unhappy with the situation. It was my cousin that took the initiative to approach my mother about the situation--and she listened to her. I'm still not sure what to make of the situation. In the long run I think it's for the best, but I'm moderately depressed over it even so.

I definitely need to rearrange things in here soon. I think that'll be good for my creative flow. I need to be able to sit at a desk or some kind of table. I'm kind of tired of placing my keyboard in my lap or on my leg. I'd also like to sit a tad closer to my screen, despite the fact that it's already gigantic. I'm not exactly sure how I'm going to do this setup, but I have a few ideas. If it's strictly necessary, I might find a way to haul my desk out of my old bedroom and move it in here. A slightly longer term goal would be to purchase a more comfortable computer chair--and by longterm, I mean probably next month when I get my next commission check. Man, commission is a wonderful thing.

Adult Things

With all the excitement over the past couple of days, I haven't been nearly as vigilant about exercise and diet. I plan to get back to that starting tomorrow provided I don't spiral unexpectedly into depression. I'd like to do some more cleaning on the house. Having the kitchen as clean as it is is actually quite the boost in my contentment level. I'd like to move a lot of things around in my living room (which is actually where I sleep and spend the majority of my time) but working up the motivation to do so is quite difficult! I have aspirations to move pretty much everything around, which is a huge time and energy commitment.

I'm going back tomorrow after my mini-transformation and I"m pretty curious as to how I'm going to feel with my new clothes/look. It's not as if my paralyzing self-doubt is capable of evaporating at the drop of a hat, but I can only hope that I'll feel a tad more confidence and comfort than usual. This whole thing is a slow process, but I'm committed to it for the long haul. I also really hope I meet my activation quota, because that'll make a pretty significant impact on my next paycheck! Or rather, the one after that one. Still.

Despite everything going on in my life right now, I haven't felt like I've had a great deal to write about. I'm not sure exactly what that means. I write a lot about video games, of course, and I haven't had quite as much time to play them. I'm still working on Final Fantasy XIV and in fact I'm only a level away from the cap--but I could have hit that some time ago under different circumstances. I think I've just been busy and I haven't felt up to completely processing how I feel about everything that's been going on. I think after I go out into the real world and deal with customers all day tomorrow I'll have a better idea of how things are going for me currently.

I talk about my plans, my aspirations, and my dreams on this blog a lot but I don't devote nearly as much time actually following up on them. I think that's something that I did over the past couple of days, even if what I accomplished doesn't seem like much to your average person. I drove to Bowling Green for the first time like someone who actually knows how to drive a vehicle. I shopped for a new wardrobe and got a grownup haircut. These are all milestones for me, as mundane as they are on the surface. I can only hope that these small things I'm accomplishing are a gateway to bigger things--a gateway to becoming the kind of person I always hoped I could be.

Delirious

I have been busy today. Of course, I spent some time with a friend last night and we had quite a few beers. This is something I almost never do and I have to say I really enjoyed myself. I'm going to have to make a point of doing it more often. My friend suggested we make it a monthly thing and I don't think that's a bad idea at all.

This morning, my mother and I spent an hour or two completely cleaning up my kitchen. It now looks quite a bit tidier than usual--and it started as a disaster area. The rest of the house still looks pretty rough, but it's certainly a start. I want to take better care of my place, because it seems pretty likely I'm going to be here for awhile. It's important that I'm comfortable in my living space--and also comfortable with the idea of having people over. I don't want to worry about feeling ashamed of my lifestyle. And I kind of have been in the past. I shouldn't just leave it at just cleaning the kitchen, either. My bathroom could really use a good once over and I'd honestly like to completely rearrange the living room. I'm not going to work on that tonight, but it's definitely something to consider for the near future.

The bulk of my day, however, was spent shopping in Bowling Green with my cousin and her daughter. I spent more money on clothes today than I probably have in my entire life--but I think it was worth it. I pretty much purchased an entire new wardrobe. I was growing really tired of just how few clothes I owned that I actually like. Wearing comfortable and fashionable (in my mind) clothes will. go a long way toward bolstering my self confidence. I even went so far as to get the majority of my hair chopped off today. I like the new haircut a lot and I'm planning on experimenting with it a little bit to see what all I can do with it. The way the barber styled it was pretty good, but I can think of a few other things I'd like to try.

All in all, it was a very atypical day for me. I socialized extensively with a couple of my family members, spent money on clothes instead of video games or food, and I got a haircut without being pressured to do so by someone else. I'm really trying to change, but it's a gradual process. I'm hoping that what I accomplished today will expedite things somewhat.

Bibbidy Bobbidy

Alright so, this is a blog entry! Today, I worked some hours in a place. I'm stressed about reaching my activation goal at work, but I'm confident that I can reach it in the two days I have left. I know I can do it! According to my friend, Juddy, I type really really well. I'm grateful for his compliment. Anyway, I might as well dispense with the formalities here and come clean. I'm inebriated. I'm not quite at the level where I'm completely coherent, but I'm certainly not as lucid as I would be under normal circumstances.

Of course, I've also broken my tradition again--I didn't update before midnight. But what does it matter, really? No one is reading these entries but me. The only purpose they serve is to further my own goals. I want to become a better writer and I want to become a better person. I feel this blog has helped me to do that--but I should probably attempt to stop adhering so slavishly to my rules. Is it really that necessary? On the other hand, I'd feel like I'm flaking if I didn't update just because I'm drinking with a friend tonight. It's a complicated issue.

I'm trying to be more social. I'm trying to open myself up. Tomorrow, I'm going to go to Bowling Green with my cousin and buy some new clothes. I want to dress nicely and feel better about myself. This is the beginning of a transformation for me, I hope. I want to be the kind of person I dreamed I could be. I can only hope that such a transformation is possible.

I've been playing Bayonetta 2, Breath of Fire II, and Final Fantasy XIV, but that much should be obvious from the previous content of this blog! I'm not sure why I'm repeating myself. I really like the SNES fan translation of Breath of Fire because it does away with what was by far my biggest gripe with the official North American localization of the game. It had a terrible translation--it was bad enough that it significantly hampered my enjoyment of the game. I really enjoyed the game's mechanics and probably would have finished the game the first time I played it--but I lost my save data and thus my motivation. This time I think I'll go the distance--especially since the translation is so much more polished than it was before.

FFXIV is down for maintenance today due to the upcoming ninja job. I'm sure it's going to be ridiculously awesome, but honestly, I should focus more on getting dragoon to level 50. I'm 47 now, so I can't have too much longer to go. I don't want to be just another face in the crowd--but I have to admit ninja sounds super cool. I'll probably try it out for just a few levels at the very least just to familiarize myself with the class/job's mechanics.

Bayonetta 2 continues to be tremendously entertaining--and in fact it's becoming quite challenging. I'm very satisfied with the game so far, but I must admit I've not made a lot of progress. I've got the next two days off--and despite the fact that I have plans for those next two days I'm sure I"ll still have time to play it.

Stumble

The more I play with the Wii U gamepad, the more I get used to it. It's definitely enormous, but I'm starting to feel that it's definitely manageable. It's not nearly as awkward or cumbersome as I'd imagined when I first unearthed it from its packaging.Using it as a secondary TV remote is also a really nice feature.Helpfully, the TV remote functionality is not lost when the Wii U is turned off. I've been using it as my primary TV remote despite its size just because it's ridiculously cool.

I also finally resumed my weightlifting and pushups tonight because the pain has started to subside. I'm sure I'll feel it again with renewed severity tomorrow morning, but I'm glad I'm getting back to it, regardless. I really want to put a lot of myself into this whole exercise regimen. I'm afraid of flaking out as I have so many times before. I don't want that to be me this time. I want to be a better version of myself. I did eat quite a bit more than usual today because I ate Mexican with my mother--but I think eating out occasionally is probably fine. I just shouldn't make a habit of it.

I'm not feeling as energetic as I had hoped today. Exercise does go a long way toward increasing energy levels and mood, but there are a ton of other factors to consider. I'm woefully dependent on caffeine, for instance, and despite downing a 20 oz' Red Bull in the afternoon, I'm still feeling pretty listless in the evening. I'm not sure exactly what the root cause of my lethargy is. Maybe I ate too much. I'm not sure. I really liked what I had at the Mexican restaurant and I didn't think I'd overdone it at the time--but I have been eating very light the past few days. Maybe my stomach wasn't ready for such an extreme change?

The only other thing that was different about today is the fact that I was actually off work--meaning I got a full night's sleep for once! You'd think getting an appropriate number of hours of rest would significantly improve my mood and energy level, but so far it doesn't seem that's been the case. It's entirely possible that I slept for too long, mind you. I don't recall exactly how long I slept, but it could have easily been 10-12 hours. I've read a lot online (and can corroborate with personal experience) that oversleeping has a negative impact on energy level. I can't help it though--I've been exhausted recently with the drastic change in my activity.

Witch Time

I didn't update before midnight. Doesn't matter. Still counts. My arms still feel like useless slabs of meat, so I again skipped my pushups and weightlifting tonight. And again I went on a breakneck speed run and almost died. I'm sure these exercises will end up being good for me in the long run but I'm basically killing myself at this point. I'm determined to stick to it, though. I want to be something that is... not what I've been for the past several years--and I want to get there in a year's time. I want to climb that mountain. I'll do it! I'll climb the damn mountain!

Anyway, I bought a Wii U today because I've been planning on getting one for awhile and Bayonetta 2 came out today. I was thinking about putting off the purchase, but the GameStop employee I called to ask about it informed me he only had two copies left in stock. I figured this might be my only chance to snag a copy for awhile, so I bit the bullet and grabbed the New Super Mario Bros U bundle Wii U and Bayonetta 2 with it. It's backwards compatible with the Wii so I can still use it to help me clear out my Wii backlog--and of course I need it for Super Smash Bros, which is coming out quite soon. I can only hope there'll be more quality titles for the console, but I am reasonably satisfied with my purchase even if that doesn't end up coming to pass.

Bayonetta 2 is a frenetically paced action game much in the vein of its predecessor. I'ts been a long time since I played the original, but the gameplay seems almost identical--which is fine, because I felt the original formula was ludicrously successful. Combat is fast and hard-hitting. The player is rewarded for timely dodges with Witch Time, a mechanic that slows down enemies and speeds up Bayonetta herself, allowing her to pepper her opponents with blows before they can even react. Unleashing devastating combos on your angelic foes while flipping around and dodging their strikes is extremely satisfying, especially when you consider the precision of the controls. The combat never feels awkward or clunky.

Of course, Bayonetta herself is the same as always. Her distinctive hourglass figure, British accent, and skintight suit made of her hair all return--except this time the hair on her head has been transformed into a something much shorter. I preferred the ridiculously long hairstyle from the previous game (which melded into her suit) but I can respect Platinum's desire to explore new themes. I read online that Bayonetta's central color in the first game was red, whereas they wanted to emphasize blue for the sequel. Cutting the hair short is just another way to make that design stand out from the previous one, I guess.

I'm not very far in yet so I don't know what else about Bayonetta 2 differs from its predecessor, but I'm enjoying it a lot so far. Even just two hours in, I've already had several very challenging fights. This is definitely going to be one of those games I can't just breeze through. This makes my backlog cry, but I can't say I'm disappointed.

ow

I am currently in a tremendous amount of pain due to exercise. I feel as if I can barely move my arms without succumbing to agony arcing through my upper torso. That's okay though, because that means I'm doing it right, probably! Despite being sore and miserable all day today, I went on a brief run as soon as I got home. This pumped me up quite a bit, but also significantly reduced my capacity for breathing. I now have a sore throat, sore legs, and my abs hurt a little more. I am just not in great shape right now.

Let's hope I'll be in great shape once a year passes of me consistently adhering to my workout and diet regime. Of course, it's not much of a regime at the moment, but I'm putting forth genuine effort on this. The wracking pain coursing through my body should be no small testament to that. I would like to think that the pitiful ache will soon be replaced by a triumphant strength and energy like nothing I've ever felt before! I can at least dream that this might happen. These first few weeks are going to be tough, I think. I'm going to be hobbling around work complaining and generally being a terrible human being for some time. Assuming I don't completely alienate my coworkers, I think I'll come out the other side a much better person!

Exercising isn't the only thing I plan on doing over the next few days (and months), however. I have other plans, too! I'm going to get a haircut soon because I think I've pretty much given up on long hair for the time being. Maybe once I'm ridiculously buff and good looking I'll try it out again, but I think for now I'm more suited to a neater, shorter cut. I still plan on keeping a lot of length on the top, but we'll see how that pans out. I'm going to be going clothes shopping on Tuesday night as well--and my cousin's going to tag along. I'm pretty clueless when it comes to fashion, but I'd like for that to change! Dressing nicely is a huge confidence boost. I don't have a lot of room to work with as far as my work uniform is concerned, but I'm sure I can spice it up a little bit, at least. Having some clothes to wear on those rare times I actually leave the house on a day off would be very handy as well.

Seriously though, I just cannot get over how miserably in pain I am right now. I skipped my pushups and weightlifting tonight out of sheer necessity. I think I might have broken my arms right off if I'd even attempted it. I was determined not to cop out though, so I went on an agonizing run in the chill night before nearly collapsing at a neighbor's mailbox. I am not in great shape right now. This exercise regime is something that is needed for me, and it's something I should have started doing a long time ago (well, I did, but I should have kept doing it).

Once my friend comes back from his mission trip in Bulgaria, he plans on doing some mountain climbing. He's invited me to come along, so it would be a great thing if I were actually in good enough shape to do something like that. I've never climbed a mountain before, but I can only imagine it's not a super easy thing to do when you're a fat blob monster like myself. I will shed that layer of blob and emerge anew as some kind of chiseled phoenix man. It will happen. Probably.

Rebirth

This is day 2 of my plan to start working out. Again, nothing's set in stone (and that's something I should really work on) but I'm trying to stop snacking so much and I have continued my exercises. I did some minor (like, really minor) weightlifting and a grand total of ten pushups. Yeah, that's right. Ten. I'm woefully out of shape, so even ten pushups is something of an accomplishment for me. I remember a time when I could easily crank out twenty a day without it being a big deal, but even ten requires a colossal amount of willpower for me. I'm hoping that in the coming days it gets easier and I can start doing more. I'm in a lot of pain, so it must be working.

My primary goal isn't necessarily to lose weight. I really want that to happen because my weight is a huge source of embarrassment and self-loathing--but I can't count on it going away in a really noticeable way. What I want to improve on is my strength, my endurance, and my energy. My energy level has historically been super low (which explains my reliance on energy drinks) but I think my sedentary lifestyle plays a huge role in why that is. I never leave my house and I spend a considerable amount of time sitting in front of my computer monitor playing games. So I'm working out. I'm going to do it every day. I'm not going to promise that I adhere to an incredibly strict regimen, but it doesn't put me out at all to do some pushups, lift some weights, or go for a short run every day. I can combine these in any way I want. I'm also cutting out snacking late at night, though I'm not being super restrictive on what I actually eat. These are baby steps for me. I can't try to do everything all at once because I'll just fail right away. I know that would happen.

If I ease into this and do things in a way that don't feel like they're drastically inconveniencing me, I think I can make it work. And who knows, if I stick to it, maybe I can gradually scale up. I can start going on actual runs. I enjoy running a lot--it's just that my lungs don't enjoy it all that much. Every time I go for a run I find myself sputtering pitifully on my knees wanting to die. It's not about my endurance or leg strength so much as it is my lung capacity. And that sucks because I feel like my body is betraying me. It's this gargantuan, clumsy frame that's working against me--preventing me from doing the things I want to do. So I'm going to do all I can to reform it, to reshape it into something I'm actually proud of. I'm taking these steps so I can become a better person, physically and mentally. I'm returning to what this blog once was. It's a journey into a better me.

I'm not sure why I ever lost sight of that.

It can be so easy for me to retreat into myself and to give in to my every compulsion. I let it happen over and over again. I think part of it is because I'm waiting for someone to come and rescue me from my haze. But that's most likely not going to happen. I live in the middle of nowhere in a country town populated primarily be people who are nothing like me. I'm capable of getting along with a lot of people, but when it comes right down to it, mine and their values are not aligned. I have friends in this place, but they're casual ones. I believe in the possibility of making more--more than the friends I have online--but I have to put myself out there to do that. Putting myself out there is like this terrifying thing to do because of my neuroses about others, about myself--and about how others view me. The steps I'm taking will help to remedy that.

Even if I don't undergo some kind of stunning physical transformation over the next year, I hope that I will fill revitalized mentally. I want to have more energy, to be more outgoing, and to feel better about myself in so many ways. I want to be more creative and more productive. I want to throw off this heavy cloak of depression and embrace the sunlight. Every so often I've just gotta give myself a nice hard rap on the head to get myself to wake up and live my life in a way that makes sense. I hope I've managed to do that again.