I've found myself experiencing many a moment of anxiety at work lately--and not just for the usual reasons. I frequently feel uncomfortable for reasons concerning my body image, my distaste for being around large groups of strangers, and my obligation to engage with these people and sell them things they most likely don't actually need. It's more than that, though. I've felt anxious because I haven't been expressing myself. I told myself that if I stopped updating this blog every day it would only be because of a restructuring of the format and that I was going to give up on being creative and expressive--and to be fair, I did crank out a couple of exhaustively detailed reviews. I'm proud of them, but I've found myself spending considerably more time playing video games lately than writing about them.
I've become consumed with the desire to outdo myself, with the desire to play as many games as possible over the course of this year--and that's fine. But if I'm doing that, I should be profiting from that creatively as well. At first I was taking a lot of notes on the games I was playing, whispering promises to myself that I'd compile these notes into enormous drafts from which I'd cull serviceably written reflections on the games in question. It worked for Breath of Fire II and Persona Q so I figured it wouldn't be difficult to continue the process. I know I'm capable of doing that, but for whatever reason, I've not followed through. I finished Illusion of Gaia and Terranigma earlier in January and took reasonably detailed notes on those games--but we're in February now and the events of those games is already fading from my tenuous memory.
It's clear that I have issues with staying motivated, even when it comes to things that I really honestly enjoy and want to do. I think that's why this semi-recent trend of making an earnest effort to fully complete each game I play has been such a refreshing things for me in my life--because at least there's one thing on which I can concentrate, on which I can focus and see through to completion. But that's not enough, is it? There are so many other things in my life on which I need to buckle down and see through to completion. I'll make miniscule progress on these things here and there but invariably I stumble and find myself succumbing once again to apathy. That's not acceptable and I have to take decisive steps toward correcting that aspect of myself.
I sometimes wonder if the only solution to these problems is to rigorously schedule the majority of my time in an effort to insure what needs to be done is done. I've made attempts. I've started entering things into Google Calendar on my phone but even now I find myself drifting from those tasks.
I've become a vegetarian--not for moral reasons, necessarily. It's more of an experiment than anything else and there are a variety of reasons why I feel it's a good idea and has so far been a pretty positive experience. I've noticed in the past that meat has negative effects on me, particularly when it comes to red meat. I love meat and even now a couple of months into my new diet I'll find myself craving burgers or hot dogs, or even just some healthy grilled chicken. It's worth noting, though, that I do find myself with more energy in general. I don't feel as sluggish after eating and I don't feel as I did before that I need meat to feel as if I'd had a proper meal. Furthermore, the diet has provoked me to be more creative with what I eat and to experience flavors that are decidedly different from what I'm used to. It's too early to say if this is a permanent lifestyle change for me, but I'm so far pleased with the results of my experiment.
Of course, I'm also partially motivated by the fact that I want to lose weight. I want to lose a lot of weight. I'm a good fifty pounds overweight and I think my overwhelmingly negative body image and paralyzing anxiety issues are rooted in that. I'm not so naive to believe that getting fit will eradicate those problems, but it can only help. It's also very helpful to invest myself in something that is difficult and requires discipline. I'm sad to say I haven't been nearly as diligent about exercising as I should be, but I can at least accurately report that my diet has been extremely consistent. There are a few areas on which I should definitely do some work, but I've eaten no meat whatsoever for a couple months now and I never eat fast food or drink soda. If I can somehow curb my insufferable Red Bull habit I think I'll be in a good spot. Exercise is also a must, but considering how inhumanly cold it's been lately, I've been struggling with the prospect of rising from my couch.
I think I'm frequently reluctant to write because I'm not satisfied with my place in life and I feel I lack the power to change that. But that's a cop-out. It may be difficult to change my life, but it's something that can be done, and it's always worth writing about--even if all I have to talk about is a video game I'm playing. I'll never be too old for video games and I can't envision myself losing my passion for them--but I can't deny that I frequently find myself feeling a little ambivalent about this hobby on which I spend so much of my time. I'm twenty-seven years old and I play more video games these days than I ever have. Many of my peers have "grown out" of this habit but still I find myself invested and genuinely passionate about the pastime. When I hear about others who try to play games and can't find the joy in it they once did, it makes me really sad, not just because I wish they could experience what I do, but because I'm also subconsciously a little worried it won't always have that same spark for me.
These things happen organically, though. Even if I do lose interest it won't be the end of the world--so long as I can find something about which I'm passionate. I've found myself losing interest in music over the past year or so and the very idea of that would have made me very sad not so long ago--but these things happen. I would only be concerned if there was nothing in which I could cite a genuine interest and I just don't think that'll ever be the case. I have too much of an obsessive personality not to take hold of the things that interest me. I have to strive to do something with that interest though, to reach out and share it with others--or just with the void, with that empty vacuum of the internet.
