Spiral

Looks like that cold front I've been hearing about has finally come in. It's absolutely frigid tonight--and here's me with nothing more than a mediocre space heater for comfort. I don't mind all that much though, to be honest. The cold is a little uncomfortable, but at least I can dress warm and huddle up under some blankets. It also helps that I just recently purchased some new warm clothing to wear. I should be set, even if temperatures dip even lower than they are now.

Today was Halloween and work was way busier than I expected. Unfortunately, we were also lacking in coverage. I don't know if everyone asked off for Halloween or what, but man did that holiday not stop people from streaming in and demanding cell phones. I'm glad I got more sales but I was busy from the time I came in to the time I clocked out. We only had two salespeople scheduled for the day and there wasn't honestly a ton of overlap between our shifts. My co-worker was gone by 4 o'clock and I came in at 1. The manager and assistant manager had to help out to process the huge crowd of customers--which is honestly not something they do a lot.

I've been making mistakes at work lately and although I feel I can correct them, I'm worried about what kind of precedent I'm setting. If I keep screwing up, I wonder how much longer my manager (or even the district manager) will want to keep me there. It's something I worry about frequently and it generally puts me in a sour mood. I've been having a tough time in general actually relaxing and being happy lately--for reasons that I can't really ascertain. I'm not eating nearly as much as usual, so I imagine that must have something to do with it. Of course, I'm not getting a lot of sleep either, but that's really nothing new.

I can't think of any job I've ever had where I wasn't worried about getting fired. I so frequently get flustered and screw things up--or worse, I'm just lazy about getting my work done. It's something about myself that I earnestly wish to change, but these things are easier said than done. Suffice to say, though, I'd be devastated if I were to lose this job. It's not an amazing job, but it's honestly probably the best I've ever had. Taking my commission into account, I'm making quite a lot of money--and on part time hours, too! The work is frequently quite stressful and I am tasked on a daily basis with interacting with real human beings in ways that make me uncomfortable. But I don't think I'm going to ever have a job where I'm not required to interact with other people in some way. It's silly to shrink from that responsibility.

I've been trying really hard lately to feel better about myself, but circumstances beyond my control--and ok, some things that are in my control--keep getting in my way. I'm worried about my work performance and the mountain of paperwork I'm required to familiarize myself with in order to be prepared for every ridiculous niche scenario. I'm on disciplinary probation right now for an unreported cash variance--and it happened again tonight! It was only 36 cents and I reported it, called the customer, and fixed the error--but it still happened again. On consecutive nights. That must surely look bad for me. I honestly don't remember it happening at all, but then I never do. It's immensely frustrating how little control I seem to have over my own actions sometimes.

I doubt strongly I'll be fired over a 36 cent cash variance, but it's the pattern of behavior that worries me more. As much as I'd like to believe I can perform my job consistently, I have to wonder how many more times I can screw up before the management decides that enough is enough. I just feel like I have a time limit and that really depresses me.

Jumble

I have reached level 50 in Final Fantasy XIV and acquired my final dragoon ability. I haven't finished out the story quests and there's a ton of content I haven't experienced yet--but I think it still feels right to take a break from it for now. I may not renew my subscription right away. It's expiring in a few days. I've been devoting a considerable amount of time to the game for a month now and I think it would be nice for me to spend some time on some other games. I still need to finish Bayonetta 2 and maybe work some more on clearing out my backlog. Then again, Smash Bros and Persona Q are both coming out quite soon and I'd definitely rather focus on those.

I am ludicrously tired at the moment and considered at length not writing a blog entry at all. I really don't feel extremely pressured to write these entries anymore. My update schedule is still roughly once a day, but my updates are frequently coming in after midnight these days. One could make the argument that I've missed a couple of days lately. I can't really bring myself to get upset about it, though. If I had more interesting things to write about, I imagine I'd write about them! Then again, maybe I"m not feeling super reflective, even if I am interested in the stuff I'm writing about. After all, I have recently purchased a new console, a whole new wardrobe, and hit my activation quota at the last minute at work today. These are presumably interesting things to write about and things that should excite me--but I'm focusing more on the fact that I am exhausted right now.

My mother finally took her dogs to a shelter today. I've been taking care of them for a long time but never much cared for them. They're all really old dogs and they bark incessantly at all hours of the night. My mother didn't have room for them in her place. It wasn't fair for her to saddle me with the responsibility of taking care of them, but if I were a more gracious person I might have shouldered the burden gracefully. They were not well-trained dogs, though, and there was nothing I could do to change that even if I was capable of training dogs in the first place. They were too old and set in their ways. As a result, the room they stayed in was frequently a smelly mess that I loathed the thought of entering. I'm glad I don't have to deal with that anymore, but I have to admit I feel a little bad for my mother. She loved those dogs and had to give them up because I couldn't handle the responsibility of taking care of them.

Of course, those dogs have also been somewhat a part of my life for years and years, too. It's weird that they're gone now and that I'm partially responsible for it. I never demanded that they be taken away but I heavily insinuated I was unhappy with the situation. It was my cousin that took the initiative to approach my mother about the situation--and she listened to her. I'm still not sure what to make of the situation. In the long run I think it's for the best, but I'm moderately depressed over it even so.

I definitely need to rearrange things in here soon. I think that'll be good for my creative flow. I need to be able to sit at a desk or some kind of table. I'm kind of tired of placing my keyboard in my lap or on my leg. I'd also like to sit a tad closer to my screen, despite the fact that it's already gigantic. I'm not exactly sure how I'm going to do this setup, but I have a few ideas. If it's strictly necessary, I might find a way to haul my desk out of my old bedroom and move it in here. A slightly longer term goal would be to purchase a more comfortable computer chair--and by longterm, I mean probably next month when I get my next commission check. Man, commission is a wonderful thing.

Adult Things

With all the excitement over the past couple of days, I haven't been nearly as vigilant about exercise and diet. I plan to get back to that starting tomorrow provided I don't spiral unexpectedly into depression. I'd like to do some more cleaning on the house. Having the kitchen as clean as it is is actually quite the boost in my contentment level. I'd like to move a lot of things around in my living room (which is actually where I sleep and spend the majority of my time) but working up the motivation to do so is quite difficult! I have aspirations to move pretty much everything around, which is a huge time and energy commitment.

I'm going back tomorrow after my mini-transformation and I"m pretty curious as to how I'm going to feel with my new clothes/look. It's not as if my paralyzing self-doubt is capable of evaporating at the drop of a hat, but I can only hope that I'll feel a tad more confidence and comfort than usual. This whole thing is a slow process, but I'm committed to it for the long haul. I also really hope I meet my activation quota, because that'll make a pretty significant impact on my next paycheck! Or rather, the one after that one. Still.

Despite everything going on in my life right now, I haven't felt like I've had a great deal to write about. I'm not sure exactly what that means. I write a lot about video games, of course, and I haven't had quite as much time to play them. I'm still working on Final Fantasy XIV and in fact I'm only a level away from the cap--but I could have hit that some time ago under different circumstances. I think I've just been busy and I haven't felt up to completely processing how I feel about everything that's been going on. I think after I go out into the real world and deal with customers all day tomorrow I'll have a better idea of how things are going for me currently.

I talk about my plans, my aspirations, and my dreams on this blog a lot but I don't devote nearly as much time actually following up on them. I think that's something that I did over the past couple of days, even if what I accomplished doesn't seem like much to your average person. I drove to Bowling Green for the first time like someone who actually knows how to drive a vehicle. I shopped for a new wardrobe and got a grownup haircut. These are all milestones for me, as mundane as they are on the surface. I can only hope that these small things I'm accomplishing are a gateway to bigger things--a gateway to becoming the kind of person I always hoped I could be.

Delirious

I have been busy today. Of course, I spent some time with a friend last night and we had quite a few beers. This is something I almost never do and I have to say I really enjoyed myself. I'm going to have to make a point of doing it more often. My friend suggested we make it a monthly thing and I don't think that's a bad idea at all.

This morning, my mother and I spent an hour or two completely cleaning up my kitchen. It now looks quite a bit tidier than usual--and it started as a disaster area. The rest of the house still looks pretty rough, but it's certainly a start. I want to take better care of my place, because it seems pretty likely I'm going to be here for awhile. It's important that I'm comfortable in my living space--and also comfortable with the idea of having people over. I don't want to worry about feeling ashamed of my lifestyle. And I kind of have been in the past. I shouldn't just leave it at just cleaning the kitchen, either. My bathroom could really use a good once over and I'd honestly like to completely rearrange the living room. I'm not going to work on that tonight, but it's definitely something to consider for the near future.

The bulk of my day, however, was spent shopping in Bowling Green with my cousin and her daughter. I spent more money on clothes today than I probably have in my entire life--but I think it was worth it. I pretty much purchased an entire new wardrobe. I was growing really tired of just how few clothes I owned that I actually like. Wearing comfortable and fashionable (in my mind) clothes will. go a long way toward bolstering my self confidence. I even went so far as to get the majority of my hair chopped off today. I like the new haircut a lot and I'm planning on experimenting with it a little bit to see what all I can do with it. The way the barber styled it was pretty good, but I can think of a few other things I'd like to try.

All in all, it was a very atypical day for me. I socialized extensively with a couple of my family members, spent money on clothes instead of video games or food, and I got a haircut without being pressured to do so by someone else. I'm really trying to change, but it's a gradual process. I'm hoping that what I accomplished today will expedite things somewhat.

Bibbidy Bobbidy

Alright so, this is a blog entry! Today, I worked some hours in a place. I'm stressed about reaching my activation goal at work, but I'm confident that I can reach it in the two days I have left. I know I can do it! According to my friend, Juddy, I type really really well. I'm grateful for his compliment. Anyway, I might as well dispense with the formalities here and come clean. I'm inebriated. I'm not quite at the level where I'm completely coherent, but I'm certainly not as lucid as I would be under normal circumstances.

Of course, I've also broken my tradition again--I didn't update before midnight. But what does it matter, really? No one is reading these entries but me. The only purpose they serve is to further my own goals. I want to become a better writer and I want to become a better person. I feel this blog has helped me to do that--but I should probably attempt to stop adhering so slavishly to my rules. Is it really that necessary? On the other hand, I'd feel like I'm flaking if I didn't update just because I'm drinking with a friend tonight. It's a complicated issue.

I'm trying to be more social. I'm trying to open myself up. Tomorrow, I'm going to go to Bowling Green with my cousin and buy some new clothes. I want to dress nicely and feel better about myself. This is the beginning of a transformation for me, I hope. I want to be the kind of person I dreamed I could be. I can only hope that such a transformation is possible.

I've been playing Bayonetta 2, Breath of Fire II, and Final Fantasy XIV, but that much should be obvious from the previous content of this blog! I'm not sure why I'm repeating myself. I really like the SNES fan translation of Breath of Fire because it does away with what was by far my biggest gripe with the official North American localization of the game. It had a terrible translation--it was bad enough that it significantly hampered my enjoyment of the game. I really enjoyed the game's mechanics and probably would have finished the game the first time I played it--but I lost my save data and thus my motivation. This time I think I'll go the distance--especially since the translation is so much more polished than it was before.

FFXIV is down for maintenance today due to the upcoming ninja job. I'm sure it's going to be ridiculously awesome, but honestly, I should focus more on getting dragoon to level 50. I'm 47 now, so I can't have too much longer to go. I don't want to be just another face in the crowd--but I have to admit ninja sounds super cool. I'll probably try it out for just a few levels at the very least just to familiarize myself with the class/job's mechanics.

Bayonetta 2 continues to be tremendously entertaining--and in fact it's becoming quite challenging. I'm very satisfied with the game so far, but I must admit I've not made a lot of progress. I've got the next two days off--and despite the fact that I have plans for those next two days I'm sure I"ll still have time to play it.

Stumble

The more I play with the Wii U gamepad, the more I get used to it. It's definitely enormous, but I'm starting to feel that it's definitely manageable. It's not nearly as awkward or cumbersome as I'd imagined when I first unearthed it from its packaging.Using it as a secondary TV remote is also a really nice feature.Helpfully, the TV remote functionality is not lost when the Wii U is turned off. I've been using it as my primary TV remote despite its size just because it's ridiculously cool.

I also finally resumed my weightlifting and pushups tonight because the pain has started to subside. I'm sure I'll feel it again with renewed severity tomorrow morning, but I'm glad I'm getting back to it, regardless. I really want to put a lot of myself into this whole exercise regimen. I'm afraid of flaking out as I have so many times before. I don't want that to be me this time. I want to be a better version of myself. I did eat quite a bit more than usual today because I ate Mexican with my mother--but I think eating out occasionally is probably fine. I just shouldn't make a habit of it.

I'm not feeling as energetic as I had hoped today. Exercise does go a long way toward increasing energy levels and mood, but there are a ton of other factors to consider. I'm woefully dependent on caffeine, for instance, and despite downing a 20 oz' Red Bull in the afternoon, I'm still feeling pretty listless in the evening. I'm not sure exactly what the root cause of my lethargy is. Maybe I ate too much. I'm not sure. I really liked what I had at the Mexican restaurant and I didn't think I'd overdone it at the time--but I have been eating very light the past few days. Maybe my stomach wasn't ready for such an extreme change?

The only other thing that was different about today is the fact that I was actually off work--meaning I got a full night's sleep for once! You'd think getting an appropriate number of hours of rest would significantly improve my mood and energy level, but so far it doesn't seem that's been the case. It's entirely possible that I slept for too long, mind you. I don't recall exactly how long I slept, but it could have easily been 10-12 hours. I've read a lot online (and can corroborate with personal experience) that oversleeping has a negative impact on energy level. I can't help it though--I've been exhausted recently with the drastic change in my activity.

Witch Time

I didn't update before midnight. Doesn't matter. Still counts. My arms still feel like useless slabs of meat, so I again skipped my pushups and weightlifting tonight. And again I went on a breakneck speed run and almost died. I'm sure these exercises will end up being good for me in the long run but I'm basically killing myself at this point. I'm determined to stick to it, though. I want to be something that is... not what I've been for the past several years--and I want to get there in a year's time. I want to climb that mountain. I'll do it! I'll climb the damn mountain!

Anyway, I bought a Wii U today because I've been planning on getting one for awhile and Bayonetta 2 came out today. I was thinking about putting off the purchase, but the GameStop employee I called to ask about it informed me he only had two copies left in stock. I figured this might be my only chance to snag a copy for awhile, so I bit the bullet and grabbed the New Super Mario Bros U bundle Wii U and Bayonetta 2 with it. It's backwards compatible with the Wii so I can still use it to help me clear out my Wii backlog--and of course I need it for Super Smash Bros, which is coming out quite soon. I can only hope there'll be more quality titles for the console, but I am reasonably satisfied with my purchase even if that doesn't end up coming to pass.

Bayonetta 2 is a frenetically paced action game much in the vein of its predecessor. I'ts been a long time since I played the original, but the gameplay seems almost identical--which is fine, because I felt the original formula was ludicrously successful. Combat is fast and hard-hitting. The player is rewarded for timely dodges with Witch Time, a mechanic that slows down enemies and speeds up Bayonetta herself, allowing her to pepper her opponents with blows before they can even react. Unleashing devastating combos on your angelic foes while flipping around and dodging their strikes is extremely satisfying, especially when you consider the precision of the controls. The combat never feels awkward or clunky.

Of course, Bayonetta herself is the same as always. Her distinctive hourglass figure, British accent, and skintight suit made of her hair all return--except this time the hair on her head has been transformed into a something much shorter. I preferred the ridiculously long hairstyle from the previous game (which melded into her suit) but I can respect Platinum's desire to explore new themes. I read online that Bayonetta's central color in the first game was red, whereas they wanted to emphasize blue for the sequel. Cutting the hair short is just another way to make that design stand out from the previous one, I guess.

I'm not very far in yet so I don't know what else about Bayonetta 2 differs from its predecessor, but I'm enjoying it a lot so far. Even just two hours in, I've already had several very challenging fights. This is definitely going to be one of those games I can't just breeze through. This makes my backlog cry, but I can't say I'm disappointed.

ow

I am currently in a tremendous amount of pain due to exercise. I feel as if I can barely move my arms without succumbing to agony arcing through my upper torso. That's okay though, because that means I'm doing it right, probably! Despite being sore and miserable all day today, I went on a brief run as soon as I got home. This pumped me up quite a bit, but also significantly reduced my capacity for breathing. I now have a sore throat, sore legs, and my abs hurt a little more. I am just not in great shape right now.

Let's hope I'll be in great shape once a year passes of me consistently adhering to my workout and diet regime. Of course, it's not much of a regime at the moment, but I'm putting forth genuine effort on this. The wracking pain coursing through my body should be no small testament to that. I would like to think that the pitiful ache will soon be replaced by a triumphant strength and energy like nothing I've ever felt before! I can at least dream that this might happen. These first few weeks are going to be tough, I think. I'm going to be hobbling around work complaining and generally being a terrible human being for some time. Assuming I don't completely alienate my coworkers, I think I'll come out the other side a much better person!

Exercising isn't the only thing I plan on doing over the next few days (and months), however. I have other plans, too! I'm going to get a haircut soon because I think I've pretty much given up on long hair for the time being. Maybe once I'm ridiculously buff and good looking I'll try it out again, but I think for now I'm more suited to a neater, shorter cut. I still plan on keeping a lot of length on the top, but we'll see how that pans out. I'm going to be going clothes shopping on Tuesday night as well--and my cousin's going to tag along. I'm pretty clueless when it comes to fashion, but I'd like for that to change! Dressing nicely is a huge confidence boost. I don't have a lot of room to work with as far as my work uniform is concerned, but I'm sure I can spice it up a little bit, at least. Having some clothes to wear on those rare times I actually leave the house on a day off would be very handy as well.

Seriously though, I just cannot get over how miserably in pain I am right now. I skipped my pushups and weightlifting tonight out of sheer necessity. I think I might have broken my arms right off if I'd even attempted it. I was determined not to cop out though, so I went on an agonizing run in the chill night before nearly collapsing at a neighbor's mailbox. I am not in great shape right now. This exercise regime is something that is needed for me, and it's something I should have started doing a long time ago (well, I did, but I should have kept doing it).

Once my friend comes back from his mission trip in Bulgaria, he plans on doing some mountain climbing. He's invited me to come along, so it would be a great thing if I were actually in good enough shape to do something like that. I've never climbed a mountain before, but I can only imagine it's not a super easy thing to do when you're a fat blob monster like myself. I will shed that layer of blob and emerge anew as some kind of chiseled phoenix man. It will happen. Probably.

Rebirth

This is day 2 of my plan to start working out. Again, nothing's set in stone (and that's something I should really work on) but I'm trying to stop snacking so much and I have continued my exercises. I did some minor (like, really minor) weightlifting and a grand total of ten pushups. Yeah, that's right. Ten. I'm woefully out of shape, so even ten pushups is something of an accomplishment for me. I remember a time when I could easily crank out twenty a day without it being a big deal, but even ten requires a colossal amount of willpower for me. I'm hoping that in the coming days it gets easier and I can start doing more. I'm in a lot of pain, so it must be working.

My primary goal isn't necessarily to lose weight. I really want that to happen because my weight is a huge source of embarrassment and self-loathing--but I can't count on it going away in a really noticeable way. What I want to improve on is my strength, my endurance, and my energy. My energy level has historically been super low (which explains my reliance on energy drinks) but I think my sedentary lifestyle plays a huge role in why that is. I never leave my house and I spend a considerable amount of time sitting in front of my computer monitor playing games. So I'm working out. I'm going to do it every day. I'm not going to promise that I adhere to an incredibly strict regimen, but it doesn't put me out at all to do some pushups, lift some weights, or go for a short run every day. I can combine these in any way I want. I'm also cutting out snacking late at night, though I'm not being super restrictive on what I actually eat. These are baby steps for me. I can't try to do everything all at once because I'll just fail right away. I know that would happen.

If I ease into this and do things in a way that don't feel like they're drastically inconveniencing me, I think I can make it work. And who knows, if I stick to it, maybe I can gradually scale up. I can start going on actual runs. I enjoy running a lot--it's just that my lungs don't enjoy it all that much. Every time I go for a run I find myself sputtering pitifully on my knees wanting to die. It's not about my endurance or leg strength so much as it is my lung capacity. And that sucks because I feel like my body is betraying me. It's this gargantuan, clumsy frame that's working against me--preventing me from doing the things I want to do. So I'm going to do all I can to reform it, to reshape it into something I'm actually proud of. I'm taking these steps so I can become a better person, physically and mentally. I'm returning to what this blog once was. It's a journey into a better me.

I'm not sure why I ever lost sight of that.

It can be so easy for me to retreat into myself and to give in to my every compulsion. I let it happen over and over again. I think part of it is because I'm waiting for someone to come and rescue me from my haze. But that's most likely not going to happen. I live in the middle of nowhere in a country town populated primarily be people who are nothing like me. I'm capable of getting along with a lot of people, but when it comes right down to it, mine and their values are not aligned. I have friends in this place, but they're casual ones. I believe in the possibility of making more--more than the friends I have online--but I have to put myself out there to do that. Putting myself out there is like this terrifying thing to do because of my neuroses about others, about myself--and about how others view me. The steps I'm taking will help to remedy that.

Even if I don't undergo some kind of stunning physical transformation over the next year, I hope that I will fill revitalized mentally. I want to have more energy, to be more outgoing, and to feel better about myself in so many ways. I want to be more creative and more productive. I want to throw off this heavy cloak of depression and embrace the sunlight. Every so often I've just gotta give myself a nice hard rap on the head to get myself to wake up and live my life in a way that makes sense. I hope I've managed to do that again.

Motivation

When I first started this blog, I did so for a lot of different reasons. I think it was something I'd been wanting to do for such a long time and I just. . .finally followed up on it. I wanted a creative outlet because I felt like I had a lot to say--but there was really a lot more to it than that. I needed therapy. I needed self expression. These are things that I don't otherwise have opportunities for. It's debatable just how creative I've been overall with this project considering the sheer number of video game related pieces. Boy, do I ramble on about video games a lot. Still, it's better than I get it all out here than talking some unfortunate soul's ear off.

There's one other aspect of this blog that I feel has fallen to the wayside over the past year--other than my fiction writing, that is. Part of the original purpose of the blog was to foster self improvement. I wrote a lot in those early days about opening up expressively, and exercising in addition to all the usual writing and creative stuff. Of course, for the past several months, I've led an extremely sedentary lifestyle. Part of the problem lie squarely with my complacency, but I don't think I should use that as an excuse. Exercise is such a good thing for me, in both mind and body. It seems silly for me to disregard it completely just because I'm worried about it taking up my free time or contributing to my boredom. I know I can find ways to make it work.

I'm definitely not an expert when it comes to putting together a workout regime--and honestly, it feels a lot less intimidating to start slow and do things I'm comfortable with. Lifting weights while watching Netflix seems as good a place to start as any, although I'd love to start running again. Unfortunately, I've picked a pretty poor time of year to focus on that kind of thing. It's quite cold out most of the time and I don't own a lot of warm clothing. I'm in dire need of a new wardrobe but I'm not comfortable embarking on that particular journey alone. I need to find someone to help me out there.

I won't lie and say that my desire to exercise has nothing to do with discontent at my appearance. It's true. I don't find myself particularly attractive and this is distressing because I"m actually pretty vain. I'd really like to feel more attractive and to be fit. I'm getting older every day. The longer I wait to really start doing this, the harder it's going to be for me to get in shape. I may never be as thin and in shape as I envision myself being, but it definitely doesn't hurt to try to get healthy. It can only improve my mood and my energy level--two things that are very important for not only the creative process but my success in general.

I don't want to get my hopes up about this, but I'd really like to not lose motivation on this this time. I guess I haven't really made any concrete plans which makes it easier for me to flake out on it later--so maybe I should make some. Some loose guidelines would definitely help, at the very least. I need to stop eating late at night (this is something I frequently struggle with) and I need to drink a lot more water. I don't even dislike water or anything--I just kind of fell out of the habit of drinking it. It's a natural fit with exercising, though. As soon as I work up even a little bit of a sweat, water tastes that much more delicious.

I need to do pushups. God, I hate pushups.

Ruin

Day 441

As it turns out, I've spent the vast majority of my free time over the past three days (all of which I had off) playing Final Fantasy XIV. Yes, I know, that's kind of a boring thing to say as far as the content of this blog is concerned--but I'm the only one that ever reads it anyway, and in the end I do it just for me. If that ever changes, maybe I'll seriously consider changing my gaming habits for the sake of more diversity on this blog, but for right now I'm really enjoying the game and don't want to stop anytime soon. This is especially true considering the fact that patch 2.4 is on the horizon, and with it, the rogue class and ninja job. Ninjas are ridiculously cool. There is just no denying this fact.

I have reached level 42 on the dragoon class and it is what I've spent most of my time on. I'm hoping I can hit 50 before patch 2.4 hits, but I'm assuming the leveling slows down considerably as I get closer to the cap. Being able to do that in a week is probably not extremely likely. After all, I'm working the next four days in a row (thanks to having three off in a row) and won't have the opportunity to play all day--although I'll probably spend a pretty significant chunk of my nights playing it regardless. I don't necessarily have to reach level 50 by that point because rogue will just be another class I haven't played yet even after it comes out. I still haven't played archer/bard, thaumaturge/black mage, or conjurer/white mage at all and I'm only just now trying out arcanist/scholar/summoner. I'm intensely interested in the ninja job but so is just about every other player. The servers will likely be inundated with level 1 rogues on the hour of release.

I had previously thought reaching 50 on dragoon would be an extremely time consuming and laborious ordeal--and don't get me wrong, it hasn't been fast--but with a little knowledge of the game's mechanics, things become easier. Square-Enix was kind enough to include a wide variety of methods for gaining large amounts of experience, all of which go a long way toward eliminating the usual monotony of MMORPG grinding. In World of Warcraft, my usual method of leveling was to accept every single quest in a zone and do all of them in sequence, no matter how tedious or boring some of those quests might be. Other than running instanced dungeons over and over and over, it was just about the only way of leveling for me. I'd generally do each dungeon once on a new character just to get the bonus experience, but I found running the same dungeons repeatedly to be highly tedious.

In Final Fantasy XIV, you can comb through a zone and do numerous quests just like you would in any other MMO, but you also have special story quests that serve to advance the game's plot. Generally, if you commit to only doing these story quests, you'll hit a point where you can't advance any further until you attain a higher level. You can take on some sidequests during this period if you like, or you can do FATEs, special group events that spawn in every zone in predetermined locations. These FATEs generally involve dispatching a fearsome boss monster or large groups of swarming enemies. Higher level FATEs are difficult or impossible to accomplish alone, but they are also completely optional. Completing FATEs successfully rewards a pretty significant chunk of experience.

Of course, there's also the Hunting Log for acquiring additional experience. This log, which is unique to every class, lists a number of specific monsters and their locations. Once these monsters have been killed, you'll be awarded an experience bonus, with an even larger bonus to be rewarded once the whole log is finished. Each class has five of these logs with monsters assigned to each of the job's 50 levels. A second hunting log exists specifically for your character's Grand Company--an affiliation which is determined during the course of the game's story quests. This log awards you with seals instead of experience--a currency that can be used to move up through the ranks of the Grand Company and also to purchase otherwise unobtainable gear.

FFXIV also features the Duty Roulette, which is more or less analagous to WoW's Random Dungeon in that players queue for dungeons randomly and are awarded a special bonus of experience for participating. However, in the case of FFXIV there is a wider variety of dungeons to choose from due to the game's level sync function. This means that even max level players may participate in low level dungeons for bonus experience. This is good for newer players too because it means that it's easier to find groups for these entry-level dungeons. 

Finally, there are Levequests. These are repeatable quests distributed at most major outposts in the game. They are somewhat similar to FATEs except they do not spawn randomly and are designed to be challenged alone or with a small group. They give a static amount of experience based on the level of the quest and cycle between a small variety of types. These quests may require you to find items in a specific area, to pacify enemies, or just to defeat as many enemies as you can during a certain time period. They are simple quests that don't have much impact on the plot, but are very useful for leveling, especially when all other quests have been exhausted. I can see them being particularly useful when leveling new classes in zones I've already gone through a few times.

Nope

Day 440

I think I'm going to spend the rest of tonight (until I fall asleep, anyway) on Lufia II and Netflix. If I don't lose focus, I should be able to finish the game. It's been a long journey. Somehow I've managed to extend a 20-hour game into over a month of playtime. It's clear that other games have been at the forefront of my mind. I'd like to play something shorter and more conducive to 30-minute play sessions, but I can't really think of what that'd be, especially considering the fact I've already beaten Theatrhythm. Bravely Default is precisely the opposite of what I"m going for here, and I'm not sure Dragon Quest III is the best answer either. It seems pretty likely it'll still end up being my next mobile game, though.

Of course, this is all just to tide me over until next month, when Persona Q comes out. Even if I decide to start playing Bravely Default again, I'll drop that in a heartbeat for Persona Q. I've been looking forward to it for awhile and I'm certainly in a Persona mood lately, having just beaten Persona 2: Innocent Sin as well as the two Arena games within the past month alone. The themes and characters from these games are fresh in my mind. I'm really hoping the 3DS title preserves and lives up to that, especially considering the cutesy art style. I know there'll be even more of an emphasis on dungeon crawling than in flagship titles, but I think that could be okay assuming it's done well. An incentive for switching out party members frequently would also be really nice, because I'd like to experiment with just about everybody. Chie and Junpei are at the top of my list for party slots, of course.

I haven't decided yet at what point I'm going to buy a Wii U, but I definitely want one in time for Bayonetta 2 and Super Smash Bros. The former is coming out sooner than the latter if I remember right, but it might be a good idea for me to pick up a Wii U before they're swallowed up by the oncoming Christmas season. This is actually the first time I've taken a moment to think about this. Not being able to get my hands on a Wii U later on in the year would be a real bummer for sure. 

I might investigate what Gamestop has in stock the next day I work (there's a Gamestop right next to my workplace) and see about getting one. There aren't really any games I can think of to purchase right now that I really need, but I suppose it wouldn't hurt just to hang on to the console for awhile, especially considering it's backwards compatible. I'd still like to finish Super Mario Galaxy and Final Fantasy Fables: Chocobo's Dungeon, after all. They're not high up on the list, but if I'm eager to test out the new console neither title would be a terrible choice.

Disembowel

Day 439

I'm reasonably impressed with some of the lower level dungeons in Final Fantasy XIV. Most of them are at least fairly nice to look at and feature bosses that require strategy and coordination to defeat. The first boss of Sunken Temple of Qarn resulted in four straight losses in a row. The first group I attempted the fight with gave up in frustration. Fortunately, I was able to assemble a more competent group later and we were able to vanquish the boss with ease.

The most traditional strategy for defeating bosses in MMOs (particularly in World of Warcraft, just because I'm so familiar with it) is the "tank and spank" strategy. The group's tank will attract the attention of the boss and soak up the majority of the damage while the healer focuses most of his or her efforts on keeping that tank alive. The other players (three in WoW, two in Final Fantasy XIV) will focus primarily on dealing as much damage as possible over the course of the fight. The healer will do little to no damage at all and the tank will only do so much as is necessary to keep the boss at bay. Tanks will generally generate additional "threat," or "enmity" as FFXIV calls it. This causes the boss to focus its attacks on the tank instead of targeting the frail and more easily killed members of the party.

"Tank and spank" is the most common variety of boss battle, but it's far from the only way to design these encounters. FFXIV features refreshingly few of these types of fights. In Halatali, one boss must be lured away from a body of water or else he'll electrify the entire party. The final boss of that dungeon becomes completely invincible and summons fire elementals that seek out members of the party--but once these minions are dispatched, the boss's invulnerability dissipates. Similarly, in Sunken Temple of Qarn, a golem boss cannot be damaged until its core is destroyed. This core regenerates over a period of time, but when it's destroyed, the party is given a window of opportunity to put out as much damage as possible.

There are some aspects of FFXIV that I'm skeptical about, particularly when it comes to the long global cooldown between abilities. The dungeon design is going a long way toward keeping me interested though, and it's probably what will keep me playing once I hit max level, if nothing else. I really enjoy the overall aesthetic of the game, but I have to admit the grind to advance in the mid 30s is laborious. You'll go long stretches of time without acquiring any new traits or abilities, except for attribute points which have little to no demonstrative effect on the way your character works. 

I read recently that the first expansion for FFXIV is coming Spring 2015 and will introduce some new jobs and classes as well as a new playable race. Of course, the new WoW expansion is coming out soon as well, and I'd be lying if I said I'm not interested in checking that out. At the very least, I'd like to get on and hit level 100 on my paladin. She's the only character I've ever gotten to 90, although I got close on my warrior as well. I'm interested in both of these, but it's not likely I'll commit to playing two MMOs simultaneously. I guess it really depends on how I feel about the endgame of FFXIV. I'm not concerned that there'll be too little content for me to experiment with, because there's already a pretty decent amount of classes for me to try, but I am genuinely curious about how Warlords of Draenor will impact the WoW universe.

Disjointed

Day 438

I have the next three days off and I plan to spend the time off wisely. I plan to finish Lufia II (possibly tonight), gain some levels in Final Fantasy XIV, and also get ridiculously drunk at some uncertain time. I'm especially excited about the last one. I haven't gotten together with other folks in a long time. I'm usually a pretty asocial guy, but I do crave social interaction on occasion. I spend a lot of time alone. I can feel my Social Meter draining into the red like in The Sims. I need to recharge it and then go into isolation for a few more months. I think that's just how I'm wired.

The League of Legends Worlds Championship Finals are tonight as well, although I must admit to not being that excited for it. Ever since the last two North American teams got eliminated in the quarterfinals I lost interest. I just can't be excited about a finals match that ends up with a Korean team winning every time. I want Europe and North America to grow as regions. Korea has been on top for just about as long as they've been in the scene. Their drive to improve and compete at the highest level is sort of ingrained into their culture. The West has a long way to go to catch up--but a few of the matches this year made me believe North America could go the distance, but inevitably, it was not to be. TSM and Cloud both only took a single game off their respective Korean counterparts. Admittedly, this is no small feat, especially considering the fact that TSM had never taken a single game off a Korean team before.

Anyway, I think I'll probably watch it, at least absentmindedly. I'm almost certain Samsung White will obliterate Starhorn Royal Club 3-0, but I guess it's possible SHRC could take a game off them. At the very least I'm sure we'll get to see some flashy plays from Samsung White. Overall though, I'm not super excited about it. I probably won't be keeping up with League of Legends esports until season 5 gets in full swing. I'm sure there'll be a lot of roster changes for the top teams and empty promises from up and coming North American teams that they can take on the Korean juggernaut--all leading up to inevitable defeat when Worlds rolls around. Oh well. At the very least it tends to result in some fun games to watch in the local North American LCS--and the EU LCS often isn't that bad either. I just wish the West could compete on an international scale.

I'm halfway considering going out to get some more food tonight if I'm going to pull something close to an all-nighter. I've got a Red Bull in the fridge, but my food supply consists of. . .spinach. I'd originally purchased it to make spinach caesar salad, but that didn't end up tasting nearly as good as I imagined it in my head. I'm conflicted though, because I'm kind of tired and I don't want to get out after being at work all day. I guess I'll give it some thought and decide later.

Mishmash

Day 437

I've been playing a lot more League of Legends recently after taking a pretty long break. I don't mind it at all because I'd really missed the social aspect of that game. I've met a couple of folks on Final Fantasy XIV but that's not really the same thing. The people I play League with--I've known them for years. They're really some of my best online friends, even if we don't always get along. It's nice to spend some time with them (so to speak) again. It helps that LoL is a pretty consistently enjoyable game to play with others. Unfortunately, it's pretty miserable when playing alone.

I'm still right at level 35 in Final Fantasy XIV. The leveling has slowed down to a crawl. It's hard to be motivated to level at this point because the wait for the next ability is going to be very long. I don't get another one until level 38 and it takes several hours to gain a single level. I imagine I'll make some progress starting on Sunday, since I'll have three days off in a row. I'm going to be spending at least one of those days hanging out with a friend of mine and hopefully getting ridiculously wasted--but we'll see how that pans out. It's been a very long time since I've had that kind of opportunity, so I'm looking forward to it.

I've reached a part very late in Lufia II that is glitched out on my version of the game. I wish I'd done my research first because it evidently affects 100% of NA copies. If I'd known that I would have tried playing the PAL version the whole time. I'm currently researching ways to transfer my save data over to the PAL version so I can get through the glitched Submarine Shrine section of the game. I'm getting pretty close to the end, I think, so I'm definitely not prepared to start over at this point. I'm not sure I even remember how to solve a lot of the fiendishly difficult puzzles leading up to that point.

I also think I should work on finishing up the Persona 3 storyline in Arena Ultimax pretty soon. I've considered the game beaten for awhile, but I'd feel bad if I didn't play through what is ostensibly a pretty important part of the game's content. I like the Persona 3 characters too, so I have no excuse. There's also the very slight possibility that the plot details revealed during this part of the game will be somehow relevant to Persona Q. I'm pretty sure I read somewhere that the events of the two Arena games are canon, as silly as that sounds. I know Persona Q is going to be canon--I'm really excited for it. I'm hoping it'll let me mix and match my party members to my heart's content.

Mirror

Day 436

Y'know, I don't consider myself an attractive guy by any means, but I got contacts recently (I've had them before) and it's done wonders for my self confidence. I think I'd forgotten just how much of a negative impact wearing glasses has on my self image. This is an important thing for me to celebrate because anything that makes me feel better about my self image is huge, even if it's a relatively small thing like that. Contacts are inconvenient in some ways for me, of course. They greatly intensify my natural sensitivity to light and they itch for several hours in the mornings--but it's worth it for how they make me feel. I have no logical explanation for why they make me feel better but not having to wear glasses is like having a great weight lifted from my shoulders.

There are lots of little things like that that make me feel better about myself. I've been trying to find ways to emphasize those things to make my days in general less stressful and to allow me to focus more on doing my job and less on worrying about how I appear to others. The impact of things like having clean and unwrinkled clothing ready for me in the morning, fabric softener, and comfortable socks are absolutely enormous. They have a dramatic effect on my mood. I feel like there are so many things that can get in my way and make me irritable. It's behooved me to identify those problems and find ways to correct them. Eliminating the annoyance of glasses is one major step in improving my overall mood.

There are other things that aren't quite so easy to solve, of course. My hair is getting pretty long now and I like that. I've always liked long hair and I think it suits me. My hair is very thick and flowing--but it's at a stage right now where it's quite long, but not long enough to tuck behind my ears. This means it gets in my eyes a lot, which is quite frustrating when it happens over and over during the course of a work day. This is one of those things that I just have to wait out. I keep considering getting it cut, but I do genuinely like the way I feel with long hair, even if it does take more maintenance than a shorter style.

The elephant in the room, of course, is me. I'm the elephant. A big fat elephant. I need to lose weight and preferably a lot of it. This is an incontrovertible fact that I should not be trying so valiantly to avoid. It's easy to face the issue and admit that something needs to be done about it, but another thing entirely to act to solve it. Exercising is this miserable and frequently boring process for me. If I can't play video games while doing something, chances are I won't find the time to do it--unless of course it's writing this blog, which I set aside a small amount of time to do each day. I feel I could do the same thing with exercise, but it's such a difficult thing to start. I can only imagine the dramatic effect it would have on my self confidence though, especially when combined with other measures I'm taking to improve my mood.

I keep thinking that I need to turn it into some kind of game. If I can't actually play a game while running or exercising, I have to make the activity itself into a game. I'm not certain how I'd go about accomplishing this, but I imagine I could incorporate ways to reward myself for completing certain tasks. In times like this I wish I had a personal trainer--or at least a friend who'd be willing to substitute as a personal trainer. Unfortunately, I don't have any close friends that are fitness buffs and fewer still that'd  be willing to go out on a limb for me like that! 

We were small but we didn't know it

Day 435

 I never really hear of the show Parenthood getting much buzz, but I've been watching it over the past couple of weeks and I really like it a lot. It's not what I'd call groundbreaking, but it's a very solid family drama with interesting and believable characters. I'm particularly partial to Max Burkholder's portrayal of the Adam and Kristina Braverman's son with Asperger's syndrome. Although I must admit I'm not an expert on the subject, I feel that Max's character is pretty fascinating in its singlemindedness and unflappability. His relationship with Hank in later seasons (portrayed by none other than Ray Romano) is also pretty interesting as it causes Hank to reexamine some facts about himself which he had never considered.

The series as a whole is centered around the Braverman clan, which consists of elderly couple Zeek and Camille, their four children, and their families. The aforementioned Adam and Kristina make up what I feel is the "main" family, but that's probably just my perception. Their son Max is a major plot point especially in early seasons, but their daughter Haddie, who is 15 at the start of the series, plays an important role as well. Most plots centered around Haddie tend to follow her various relationships. She is unfortunately completely absent from the fifth season due to being in college, but I can only assume the actress left the show in reality.

Crosby Braverman (Dax Shepard) finds himself grappling with unexpectedly becoming the father of a five-year-old son named Jabbar in the very first episode and much of the rest of the series' plots regarding him expound on that fact--and how he royally screws up his responsibilities over and over. However, he goes through a lot of growth as a character as the series progress until he finds himself experiencing fathering an infant with his partner Jasmine--an experience that he had been denied the first time around. Jasmine herself is a very bubbly, likable character who tends not to sweat the small stuff but has strong convictions.

Sarah Braverman is a single mother of two who seems to still be having troubles dealing with her responsibilities late into her 30s. Her relationship with Zeek and Camille is somewhat strained early in the series due to the nature of her relationship with her ex-husband, whose drug use had driven a wedge in the family many years before. Sarah is portrayed by Lauren Graham of Gilmore Girls and her two children are Drew and Amber, the latter of which is played by Mae Whitman. I recognize her most as Ann Veal from Arrested Development, but she also had a memorable appearance in Scott Pilgrim vs the World as one of Ramona Flowers' "evil exes." Drew is reserved and shy whereas Amber is emotional and independent.

Julia Braverman-Graham is the last child of the Braverman clan and probably my least favorite character. The actress doesn't necessarily do a poor job in portraying her, but her mannerism and tone of voice get under my skin in ways I can't even fully explain. Her tendency to lose herself in her work and overlook the concerns of her husband Joel is also troublesome. I frequently find myself rooting against her, particularly when her and Joel are having trouble in season 5. Both parties are at fault, of course, but I am (perhaps unfairly) more willing to give Joel the benefit of the doubt considering the character's past behavior. 

Vicarious

It becomes very difficult to avoid repeating yourself when you write every single day. I have thus far made no particular effort to avoid repeating myself, but my tendency to do that is starting to bore me a little. This is why I try to play so many games. It gives me something new to write about. That's why I've broken the cycle of doing nothing but playing League of Legends or World of Warcraft all day. If I play through games at a breakneck pace, I feel like I always have something to write about. That just hasn't been true lately. I'm in a bit of a dry spell. I'm still playing games, but they're the same games I've been playing for awhile. There's only so much I can say about these games! And there's one game in particular that I'd rather not talk about today since I've talked about it over and over for a week now.

There are other things I could potentially write about, of course. I could start doing some reading and I could discuss my thoughts on whatever it is I choose to read. Granted, that's something else that takes up my time, a commodity that seems as if it's in short supply already. I have loads of free time but it never seems like enough! I want to do everything in the world, but I settle for lounging around playing video games all day. That's really all I do. I think this blog can really attest to that.

Getting back to writing fiction would also be a great thing for me to do, but it's been agonizingly apparently the last few times I've tried that I don't have the same passion for it as I did before. I've written a lot for that story but getting back into it is tough. I don't feel I have the ability to visualize those characters or even that world. I don't know how to immerse myself in that, to breathe life into it. I also feel pretty comfortable saying that what I've written for that story so far is mediocre at best. It's really not stellar writing. It's very repetitious and frequently doesn't flow like I want it to. I wrote a lot in those days about how I was trying to avoid ruthlessly editing myself during the writing process but it's not pleasant stuff to read when I go back to it. It feels pointless to go back and edit it now when I haven't approached anything even resembling a conclusion.

If I felt really passionate about my writing, I could put forth the effort to make it good. I could write up an outline and map out the trajectory of my story. I could flesh out my characters' backgrounds and plot how these characters interact with each other. It would not be difficult to jot down some notes on general themes I'd like to cover over the course of the story--but I'm finding that it's not something I feel particularly interested in doing right now. The story began as an exercise in making things up as I went along--and that was fun to do. The details of the plot were just as much of a surprise to me as they would be to anyone else. As a result of this, it turned into this colossal piece of directionless writing with no real substance or. . .purpose. I was hoping that whole time that I could mold the raw materials into something that made sense, but I can't help but feel now that there's not much there worth salvaging.

I used to consider myself a writer. I spent a lot of my free time writing and making up stories. I also spent a lot of time reading. This was back when I was a teenager, ten or more years ago. I don't read at all now and I don't spend very much time making up narratives in my head. When I'm at home I'd rather relax and experience narrative through games. I could definitely start reading again, but it's just something that I've fallen out of the habit of doing over the years. I'm just curious as to why I expect to be able to write with any proficiency when I don't read the work of others at all. I read most of a book by Haruki Murakami several months ago--it was the first thing I'd read in a very long time and I felt inspired. But I didn't stick with it and it didn't spur in me a desire to start reading habitually again. I'm sort of wishing it had.

The Number Thirty

Day 433

I've got the next two days off and I really don't want to spend them playing Final Fantasy XIV nonstop. I really burned myself out on it by rushing to level 30 dragoon as fast as possible. I'd rather play for shorter periods of time from now on, especially since my co-op partner will only be getting on in the afternoons. I'll probably just play a few hours a day. It might be a good idea to finish up the Persona 3 storyline in P4 Arena Ultimax as well as get a little bit further in Lufia 2. I did finish Theatrhythm Final Fantasy: Curtain Call last night, so at least there's that. That makes 30 games for the year. I'm not trying to hit any specific goals at this point, but the fact remains that I don't want to overwhelm myself with too much Realm Reborn.

If I manage to finish up Lufia 2 soon, I might even reach into my backlog and pull out something else I haven't finished. It's still definitely my long term goal to clear that thing out even if I am currently prioritizing new games. I have plans to purchase three games that come out next month, but if I'm not mistaken, they all come out in the latter half of that month. That gives me a lot of time to finish up what I'm playing now and maybe start working on something else. After Lufia's done, I'll need another game to play on my phone at work--or possibly just a game to play on my 3DS. I haven't gotten into the habit of bringing it to work just yet but I suppose it wouldn't be a big deal to do so. I've considered for a long time that I'd finish up Dragon Quest III since it's the only remaining SNES game in my backlog right now. I don't feel particularly excited to play it, but it's an interesting enough game in its own right.

As for true handheld games, I'm actually doing really well on that front after having cleared out my entire PSP backlog over the past couple of months. The only games remaining at this point (after having just finished Theatrhythm) are Bravely Default for 3DS and Tactics Ogre: The Knight of Lodis for GBA. Both (particularly the former) are time consuming games, though, and the latter is just slow-paced in general. They'll get done, but only if I find myself without other things to play. Now that I'm thinking about it, though, there are a few games for the original DS that I haven't finished up yet. I own a lot of games for that system though, so that shouldn't be surprising. Backloggery tells me I've finished a whopping 27 DS games but 3 are still left unfinished.

These games are Mario and Luigi: Bowser's Inside Story, a game in a series of Mario RPGs that I really like. I remember stalling out on it just because I wasn't digging it as much as the two previous games in the series, but it was still pretty solid. I see no reason I wouldn't finish this, but for some reason I just haven't been in the mood! There's also The World Ends With You, a Square-Enix RPG with an incredibly innovative and frankly confusing and frequently annoying battle system that I never quite got the hang of. I'm often ambivalent about games that make heavy use of the touch screen. Even games that are acclaimed for their touch screen controls often don't sit quite right with me. Kirby Canvas Curse, for instance, is one of the series' most well received titles but I didn't particularly care for it, especially in comparison to games like Kirby Super Star or even Kirby's Return to Dreamland, admittedly both of which are on actual consoles.

Finally, there's Advance Wars: Dual Strike. I really like this series--I do. But I'm not good at them, and the lack of leveling and progression somewhat kill the fun for me. Intelligent Systems is responsible for developing Advance Wars and Fire Emblem, the latter of which is one of my absolute favorites series. The two games are sort of two sides of the same coin, but I find I like Fire Emblem's take on strategy a lot more, particularly because heavy emphasis on characters both in terms of strategy and development.

Tying up loose ends

Day 432

I am currently staring at my monitor skeptically. I wonder what's left to say. I'm still playing a lot of Final Fantasy XIV, which, as I have repeatedly emphasized, will continue to have somewhat of a negative impact on my writing. There is a fair amount I can say about the game but I don't want to become entrapped in a situation where it's the only thing I ever talk about. The fact remains, however, that it is the only thing I'm playing at the moment. I'm inching my way through the latter stages of Lufia 2 while I'm at work, but my at-home free time is relegated entirely to Final Fantasy XIV. I would like for this to change. I enjoy the game, but I also enjoy cycling through a variety of games simultaneously and offering up my opinions on this blog. As sad as it might seem, I seldom write about anything other than gaming, unless I'm whining futilely about my depression! Guess which one of these is more fun to write about?

I really do like Lufia 2 and it deserves a lot more attention than I've been giving it. Although it's plagued by a number of issues common to RPGs of that era, the dungeon and puzzle design really shine through and make it a memorable game. I usually really dislike puzzles in RPGs but Lufia 2 generally finds a way to make them entertaining and variable in difficulty. There are plenty of easy, softball puzzles that make me, the player, feel smart and accomplished for conquering them quickly, but also a respectable number of fiendishly difficult ones that are more time consuming. These puzzles and platforming elements (many of which are admittedly lifted straight from The Legend of Zelda) add a level of quality to an otherwise unremarkable game. I'm definitely enjoying it, but I haven't made much of a point of playing it while I'm at home. I was going to once I'd finished a few other games but then FFXIV came along and wrecked everything. Oh well. It'll get finished.

As for Theatrhythm: Final Fantasy, I think I'm going to go ahead and buckle down and grind up the rest of the rhythmia I need to beat the game. That'll put me at 30 games finished and instill in me a modicum of satisfaction for the "work" that I've accomplished this year. I'll then feel like I can devote all that time to Final Fantasy XIV without feeling like I'm funneling all of my free time into one giant black hole of nothingness. I'm going to accomplish things in FFXIV too. I'll hit max level and I'll play through the storyline--and then I"ll stop. Or at least I won't play nearly as often. After all, Bayonetta 2 and Persona Q are coming out next month, and I'm looking forward to playing those a lot. Oh, and we must not forget Super Smash Bros. for Wii either! I'm excited about all three and I don't want to feel like I have a ton of unfinished business on FFXIV by then. I'm reasonably certain I will have hit level 50 on a class by that point. After all, I'm pretty much 30 on two different classes already.

My "backlog eradication marathon" is probably ending for now. I had a really good run and chewed through 11 games at a pretty good pace. Lufia 2 will be my final game for that marathon. I'll probably still try to chip through my backlog here and there, but for the most part, I'm going to be concentrating on new games from now on. Now, I'm not going to buy anything that I have no plans to finish. Gone are the days where I purchase new games every week on the off chance that I might play them someday. I'm irresponsible enough with money as it is to start resorting to those kinds of tactics again. 

Malaise

Day 431

I'm feeling pretty sleepy and a little morose tonight. I have tomorrow off but I'm not feeling super excited about playing FFXIV tonight. I think it might be nice to spend some time on something else but I dunno. I want to be social but I just don't have the opportunity to do so anymore--or if I do, I'm just not recognizing and seizing the opportunities. I second guess myself and assume the worst a lot of the time. I don't really know how to move past that. A family member I hadn't seen in quite awhile said hello to me while I was doing some grocery shopping today and it made me really uncomfortable. I was self conscious about where I was in life in relation to him and he just sort of set me off-kilter for the rest of the night. I feel like I almost got into multiple car wrecks on the way home from being distracted.

I've gotta figure out some way to get out of this rut that I'm in lately. I feel very isolated and alone lately but I can't think of any good ways to work toward solving that problem--especially considering the fact that I find most social situations uncomfortable and claustrophobic. It's a paradox, really. I'm not super content being alone or with other people. I think maybe I just need to find a way to strike the right balance. I'm not sure I've ever been able to do that just the way I want to.

I can't say I'm particularly fond of restless nights like tonight. I want to reach out to someone, to socialize, and to have fun. But I don't really have the strength to do so and I feel like I'm just going to be snubbed. In some ways I already have. It's out of my hands. There's nothing I can do about it. It's best to just try to make the best of tonight, get some sleep, and hope for a better tomorrow. That's really all I've got. 

I'm probably overreacting to what essentially boils down to having an off night. It seems pretty likely that I'll feel better tomorrow, but it's hard to say at this point. I might go out and get something to eat tomorrow afternoon since I made the mistake of not really getting groceries tonight. It's a very bad habit that I can't seem to break. I'm really lazy about shopping in general. I find the whole activity to be pretty tiresome and the longer it goes the more I just want it to be over. This is especially the case when I'm doing it right after work. There's not much more I want than to just go home.

This is an entry of almost no content and I feel bad about that. I'd like to not have to resort to this kind of entry very often, but I've just not been feeling super excited the past few days. It's something I hope I can break myself out of.

Overpower

Day 430

There will eventually be a time where FFXIV isn't the only game I'm playing, but now is now that time. MMOs are very time-consuming. I could easily be splitting my time between it and other games, but I tend to get pretty singleminded with MMOs, at least for a little while. I'm still irritated that I never hit max level in Rift because that's a blemish on my backlog. I might go back one of these days, grind out two levels, and call it a day, but hey, who knows.

In FFXIV, there are several classes the game gives you the option of starting out with. These classes can be cycled through on an individual character simply by wielding a different weapon. This make it easy and simple for a player to experiment with different classes and I like that aspect a lot. Once you reach level 30 in a class, you can undertake a quest to unlock a job, which is a more focused version of these starter classes. Lancer becomes Dragoon, for instance. Once you equip the requisite Soul Crystal associated with that job, you begin to unlock new job-specific abilities through quests given to you by a specific NPC. At level 30, a new Dragoon quickly gains access to Jump, that iconic Dragoon skill that pops up in every Final Fantasy title in which Dragoons exist, all the way back to Final Fantasy IV. Like those titles, the jump returns the character back to their original location afteward--which is a little odd, but it is interesting.

It looks like I'll be unlocking new skills about every five levels, meaning I should get four job-specific skills in all. I can only imagine these skills are different varieties of Jump, but I'd rather not read ahead to find out. It's fun when these new skills are a surprise. So far, I am reasonably satisfied with the number of skills at my disposal, and especially with the ability to retain certain skills from other classes you have leveled. To unlock Dragoon, I also had to level the Marauder class to 15 so I have access to several of those skills. I also leveled Pugilist to 10, however, meaning I have access to skills like Second Wind for a quick burst of healing when things get tough.

I still haven't been able to try tanking or healing in dungeons. I have Marauder at level 15 so I could theoretically do some tanking, but I just haven't given it a shot just yet. It seems like it would be a fairly simple thing to do at this level, given that I have access to a point blank area of effect attack that can be used over and over. Although it burns through TP quickly, I could see it making it pretty easy to hold threat on a large group of enemies. The lack of mobility skills at my disposal does seem a little troubling, though. I hope that I'll have some of that later. I can only think of the warrior class from World of Warcraft and how he can charge and stomp all over the battlefield in order to protect his allies. I hope the Marauder (and subsequently the Warrior) class has access to some similar skills.

Yeah, ok

Day 429

I have owned Final Fantasy XIV for just about one week. During that time, I have racked up 62 hours of playtime. That's more than a full time job and I'm only level 30 in my main class. Granted, I've kind of been piddling around and exploring the game's mechanics, but the fact remains that I've been playing it a lot. I think I'm beyond eager to power through the early stages of the game in which I don't have access to very many abilities so I'm overcompensating. I'm still enjoying the game, but I wish some of the friends who were playing it before were still playing. I never seem to catch them in time when they hop to a new game. If I'm being honest though, it doesn't seem like they particularly care about playing with me in the first place.

I remember a time when several of my friends and I would play League of Legends just about every day. It was my primary form of social interaction. I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss that. I feel like there's no point in playing it anymore if I'm just going to play it alone. It's no fun for me. I do get some enjoyment out of FFXIV when playing alone but it'd be a lot better if some of those old friends would hop on and say hi. I just don't fill like I fit in with them anymore. I don't feel welcomed. It's partially my fault because I spent such a long time in forced isolation. I spent a long time on single player games and didn't even bother to try to communicate with them. Still, though--it'd be nice if someone would try to contact me sometime and just ask me if I'd like to play something with them. I wish I had that opening.

Gaming is pretty much my favorite thing to do. I really enjoy getting together with a group of people and playing games, whether it be online or in person. But I haven't been able to do it for a long time. I've really lost touch with a lot of those friends for a variety of reasons. I have to admit that it does bum me out a little. Single player games are always going to be my preference, but I really wish I had the option to just jump on League of Legends or Final Fantasy XIV or whatever other multiplayer game I could think of and just play with some friends. But I can't. I don't have any friends like that anymore. I don't really know how to fix that.

People have lives and they're busy. That's definitely part of the issue, but it's not the whole thing. I have some pretty outcast and socially awkward friends, many of which don't have a whole lot of extra responsibilities--much like myself. They've never really made it a priority to spend time with me though, even online. That's probably fair, since I haven't made much of an effort either--but it does leave a bad taste in my mouth. Sometimes I wish I could go back to the old days where I'd get on TeamSpeak every afternoon and there'd be a crowd of people in there waiting to play some games. They've moved to another server now and I've popped in a few times--but I haven't felt very welcomed. No one's excited to see me. Maybe it's a silly thing to even worry about because I never made it a priority to continue hanging out with them, but it's still really. . .disconcerting.

I don't know. I can't expect to maintain friendships if I don't put forth the effort required to nurture them. I guess that's all it is. 

Forever young

Day 428

Only one more day of work and I finally get a day off. I also only work for a few hours tomorrow, so I'll have plenty of time tomorrow afternoon to. . .come home and play Final Fantasy XIV all night. Argh! I know what I'm doing is bad, but I can't help it. I'm still enjoying the game right now and I'm eager to see all the abilities and places I can unlock as I progress. The story itself is not awe-inspiring, but the graphics, the style, and the interface are all wonderful. I'm still too early in (because MMOs are glacially paced) to determine whether the combat is as satisfying as I'd prefer, but I have high hopes. 

I wish that I had the ability to discuss critically other things that I spend my time on. I've been watching the show Parenthood a lot over the past several days, for instance, but I'm not sure how to begin to discuss it. I'm on season 3 now and I've decided I like it a lot. It's a show that features a lot of familiar faces for me but beyond that it's just a really great show that focuses really heavily on interpersonal relationships. As I've discussed recently, this is just the kind of thing that I am into. I tend to enjoy a lot of shows that feature ensemble casts like that. Mae Whitman in particular is incredibly adorable--she's evidently the same age as me, which is pretty interesting. I of course recognize her from Arrested Development and the Scott Pilgrim film. 

Whitman is far from the only familiar face on display in Parenthood, though. Adam Braverman, one of the leading roles, is played by none other than Peter Krause, who I recognize most as Nate Fisher from Six Feet Under, a series I'm quite fond of and have watched multiple times. It's also an ensemble drama, although its subject matter is decidedly darker than Parenthood's--no small surprise considering it was an HBO show. I really enjoy his performance on both shows. Adam is a responsible and driven family man, whereas Nate is an aimless, conflicted guy coming to terms with being in his mid-30s. 

Of course, there's also Lauren Graham who was best known for her longtime role on Gilmore Girls. I've never watched the show, but I like her a lot and enjoy her performance on Parenthood because her character is so neurotic and self-defeating but creative and smart. These qualities, positive and negative, are reflected by her daughter, played by Whitman. The patriarch of the Braverman family is played by Craig T. Nelson, who I recognize most from the TV series Coach. I used to really like that show even though I'm not at all interested in sports. I'm pretty impressed with the subtlety and nuance of his performance on Parenthood. His appearance on the show almost seems like a parallel to Ed O'Neill's appearance on Modern Family--two 90s sitcom leads (with O'Neill playing the part of Al Bundy on Married With Children) playing the role of grandfather on family-oriented 2010s shows. I've not seen Modern Family but I may give it a try one of these days.

Dax Shepard is also on the show as the irresponsible Braverman brother--and I am vaguely familiar with him from a couple of films, but I can't recall which ones. He does a good job in his role but I have to wonder if he wasn't a little typecast in this case. Still, he certainly does fit the part. The show in general can be very melodramatic but I still enjoy it a lot. I'm not particularly interested in family dynamics per se, but I do enjoy shows that feature a lot of character interaction--and that's pretty much all this is about.

My entry titles are frequently cop-outs, including this one

Day 427

I really want to start drawing again. I think I've decided just now that I'd like to do that. It doesn't have to be a constant thing, but it would be really nice if I could set aside a little time each day to draw--but I think what I'd really like to do is learn how to draw digitally with a tablet. I've owned one for several years, but it's not one of particularly great quality and I've lost the stylus for it anyway. I don't think it would be a terrible investment to go ahead and buy a new one. I feel like I used to draw every single day and I think I had some level of talent for it--but I never nurtured those talents. It's kind of the same thing with my writing. This whole exercise has been great for me in a lot of ways. The writing thing ended up being almost secondary. Perhaps drawing will be like that too. Maybe it will unlock things about me that I didn't really think about that much before.

I'll frequently get these ideas and these thoughts that I wish I could commit to the page, but words aren't enough. I want to draw this stuff. I'm definitely not a great artist but I think I have the spark. There's a little nugget of aptitude there that I could maybe coax out into the daylight. It's just--I don't know. I've spent so much time this year just doing nothing but playing video games and I haven't done a lot to develop myself in other ways. And I use the excuse that it's all for the sake of my writing. That's partially true, but it doesn't mean that it should be this all consuming thing. I should make time for other things in my life.

I'm still going to chip away at my backlog and I'm probably still going to be pretty obsessive about finishing games that I start--but I'm not going to try to tear through my backlog as quickly as humanly possible anymore. I'll hit my game #30 and probably slow down for a bit. I could easily just whip out Theatrhythm Final Fantasy: Curtain Call tonight and finish that. I'd be done with it. But I still have plenty of time before the end of the year. It's just October. I've already finished more games this year than I have the past several, so it's fine. There are other things in my life from which I can derive fulfillment. 

I guess it's a little worrying to me that I haven't felt the same passion for writing fiction lately as I have in the past. I wrote a lot of words for Strands but I haven't contributed to that story in some time now. The whole story feels like a broken record for me. Every excerpt I write is just an exploration of that particular character's thoughts and not a lot of things actually happen. It's okay to have a really introspective narrative but when read end to end the story's really quite repetitive. I have a hard time keeping it all straight in my head so I just toss in these updates that don't really advance the story. They take place in that story's world but they don't travel anywhere. 

I think I've always had a tough time internalizing the details of plot. I'm generally more concerned with the interaction between characters and I'm bored by the overarching plotline. This applies to books, to video games, to movies--all that usually matters to me are those characters and how they relate to each other. Maybe this is why I like TV shows so much more than films. TV shows are so often about getting to know characters over a long period of time. The overall narrative isn't as emphasized because it's expected that it's going to last a lot longer. Films are this self-contained thing where the viewer isn't allowed to become familiar with characters. Those characters are introduced and they are thrown into a situation in which things happen. There are no slow burning plot elements. Things happen and in two hours they are resolved for good or ill.

Is this me throwing my hands in the air in frustration? "I'm not a good writer, so maybe I should try something else." Is that how I feel? If I'm being honest, I think I'm a middling writer at best. I have potential but I don't necessarily put in the work required to be as good as I could be. I don't read books and I don't invest as much time into my writing as I probably should. Even though I update this blog every single day, that's still an incontrovertible fact. If I were really passionate about this thing, I could do more. I spent hours and hours every single day playing video games. That's something I put a lot of time into. That's something I'm "passionate" about. But maybe I'm just indulging my obsessive tendencies.

These are some words that I've just written and they are meaningful. But once I stop writing this entry, they'll probably fly from my head and I won't revisit them until tomorrow night if at all. Will I take action or will I just let these idle thoughts drift away as if they were meaningless? 

I very much want to create a world and create characters. I have created them but they're not good enough. They're not appearing in my mind's eye with the clarity I would prefer. I think that's what this drawing thing is about. I want to be able to see these characters from my head because my writing does not paint a vivid enough picture. 

Vorpal Thrust

Day 426

Y'know, even though this probably wasn't the greatest timing to start an MMO, at least I only need one more game to hit 30 for this year. It could easily be Lufia 2 or even FFXIV itself--because I'll consider it beaten once I hit level 50. I'm sure I'll be playing it a loooot longer than that, though, which is a disconcerting thought all it's own.

Still, I'm pretty tired of marathoning my backlog. I've cleared out a lot of it this year but there's still quite a bit to go. I'm not sure I have it in me to play through SMT: Nocturne and the two Digital Devil Saga games all in a row for instance, especially considering the fact that there are several games coming out soon I'd much rather prioritize, not least of which is Persona Q, coming out just next month. I also need to finish up Persona 4 Arena Ultimax, even though I've beaten the main storyline--or at least the Persona 4 portion. I fully intend to complete the Persona 3 half and Adachi's story as well. I'll most likely get that done Thursday night or maybe even sooner since I'm working all these short shifts this week.

I'm going to be pretty intent on making a lot of progress on FFXIV for awhile, but I'm determined to not let it distract me from my other gaming goals. There's only so much I can write about FFXIV after all and I don't want to inundate my blog with content about it, even though it's inevitable that I'll be writing about it a bit. I remember when I was playing Rift a lot, it was all I wrote about for probably seven or eight entries in a row--and I definitely didn't like the game that much. MMOs are just very addictive games and there are a lot of mechanics and principles to analyze and talk about. FFXIV is no different--but it also happens to be part of a series of games I've been a fan of since childhood! There's a lot to think about there, but I'm going to get higher up in the ranks before I really decide to reflect on my experience in detail.

Work has been really hectic lately too, so maybe that's why I've sunken so deep into the MMO experience. It really does give me a chance to wallow in escapism--although admittedly I do this quite frequently. It could probably be said that kind of thing is unhealthy, but it works out alright for me. I feel very strongly that I have a sense of self. I'm capable of relating with other people and socializing--but I don't consider it much of a priority, all things told. I do it for the sake of my job and I feel I'm pretty good at it, but left to my own devices I think I'd rather be alone--or at least a part of a very small group of 2-3 people.

I don't know. I'm rambling. That's alright, though. I've been somewhat concerned lately that I'm going to stop updating this thing, so when I feel like I can just let loose and talk about stuff, that's a good feeling. This blog has not historically been chock full of high caliber writing because that's not what it's all about. Sometimes it's just about committing the jumble of thoughts in my head to page. It's a way to express all the asinine and mundane thoughts I have on a daily basis without burdening an actual person with them. It's a good outlet for me.

A little scatterbrained

Ahh! It's 11:42 PM and I'm still undecided on whether or not I want to write a blog entry tonight. It feels so weird to just skip it because I've done it for over 400 straight days. That is a long time to do something! Isn't it strange for me to just. . .stop one day? I feel I knew this time would come at some point but I can't shake the weird feeling that accompanies it.

After a certain point I lost the plot on what this whole writing exercise was about. It was about writing every single day--not only to improve my skills as a writer but to stimulate my thought process as well. I have historically been a very closed off and muddled thinker and I feel this blog has helped me move past that. I can't say it's been the only factor in my transformation, but it's pretty reasonable to speculate that it's had a lot to do with it!

I guess I've just gotten tired, you know? I feel bad when I write an entry that feels phoned in or insubstantial. It happens sometimes and I wonder why I bothered at all. It's because I feel compelled. It's my obsessive tendencies coming into play. There's something strange about breaking a precedent. I've been doing this for well over a year now and doing it every single day. I haven't taken breaks. I haven't skipped certain days due to special occasions. Recently I updated from my phone while on a roadtrip to Louisville. It's been important to me to remain consistent and to keep updating every single day.

Why them am I considering stopping--or at the very least, shifting the focus of the blog? I went into this a lot yesterday but I'm still very conflicted. Realistically, it's not a huge investment of my time to write these blog entries every day but I still feel like it's an obligation. It is frequently on my mind. I realize it's something I need to get out of the way before I can relax every night.

But maybe that's something I need. I'm not a person with a lot of obligations and I spend the vast majority of my free time on myself. It's almost 100%, actually. I don't think I could ever feel good about skipping these daily blog entry unless I replaced that time with something else even more productive. It's clear that there are a lot of things I need to do--things that I've been putting off and have neglected over and over.

I updated tonight. But I don't know how much longer I'm going to keep this up. I still haven't decided. If I'm being honest, I spent all day playing Final Fantasy XIV and while I had fun, it's a tad disconcerting that this crisis about my blog pops up at just the time I start playing a very addictive and time consuming game. I don't think it's a good time to consider breaking my habits but I still think some of the points I went into yesterday are valid. I would like to spend more time on my articles. I've sort of established this rule that I write about four paragraphs a day minimum, but that's still pretty damn short for the kind of article I'd like to write.

Ideally, I would spend a lot of time playing a game and instead of chronicling my progress in relatively brief daily entries, I'd like to spend more time in the planning stage and eventually produce a much longer, polished article. Many of my entries are thrown together hastily because I want to get them out of the way--all so I can have more time to play video games. I do have a lot of them to get through, after all. Gosh, why did I have to start playing an MMO.

Some bloggin' thoughts

Day 424

Sometimes I become conflicted on whether or not I want to continue writing this blog. It's difficult to really ascertain what purpose it serves at this point--especially since the original goal was accomplished a long time ago. I hit 365 entries. I was proud of that and I still am. I have to wonder just how much longer I can keep this going and whether or not it really benefits me to do so. I almost wonder if it would be a better idea to update less often but write more substantial entries when I do update. I feel like this whole exercise has sort of been building to that--because as it stands now, I'll frequently write entries that are rushed and phoned in because it feels obligatory to do so. I don't put as much energy or thought into my entries as I'd like.

What I'd like to be able to do is write a couple of entries a week--or just however often it feels natural to do so. I'll probably still write about games pretty frequently, but when I do, I'll make more thoughtful and exhaustive entries. I'm sure there would still be cases where I'd write entries consecutively for several days in a row, but only if I'm feeling particularly inspired. I can recall so many times when I was trudging through a game and it felt like the only thing I had to write about. That led to a lot of entries that were repetitive and boring both to read and write.

If I have more time to write these entries then I can start working on them one day and then follow up on the next. I can include more images, proofread a little, and generally make them more interesting and well thought out. I'm probably not going to start away, but it's something that's definitely been on my mind. I'm proud of what I've accomplished so far, but it's becoming more and more obvious that writing every day like this is not exactly necessary. What I should be doing instead is taking notes on the games I'm playing (and whatever else happens in my life that comes to mind) and then channeling those notes into rough drafts of articles. I can build these articles from the ground up and hopefully produce some good content. If I could write articles like that I think I'd be prouder of what I'm doing here and more likely to share my work with others. And hey, if not, then at least I'll have accomplished something new.

Like I said--I'm probably not going to start this right way. In fact, it's pretty likely I'll just write another entry as normal tomorrow, but I think I've decided that things are going to be changing on this blog. I'm not feeling the drive to write every single day like I used to. It's not because I'm less interested in writing--it's quite the opposite, actually. I feel like I'm adhering to a standard that is needlessly arbitrary and it's not helping me grow creatively at this point. I'd rather have the room to be more creative and expansive with my work instead of forcing myself to follow such a strict schedule. Hopefully, breaking free from that will result in more consistently interesting entries.