Unraveling

I'm in a slump. I'm not always unhappy, but what joy I do experience is transient. I'm putting things off in a big way. Important things that very likely could get me out of this slump, even. But I'm experiencing some pretty crippling apathy, an all too common problem of mine. Jobless, single, living at home again. I have aspirations but an unwillingness to pursue them out of fear of failure. Out of fear of trying, even. There is a thin layer of panic in there somewhere but its buried by numbness.

Still, I find ways to occupy my time. I've been finding a LOT of meaningless things to do to pass the time as I sit here in the miserable heat of this room. I've played (and finished) a lot of video games recently. I played a couple of NES RPGs and one for Super Nintendo. It's interesting to play through these games and think about their value in the context of when they were released. I love to see how things are designed. Games have always been really compelling to me because they blend so many different media. Music, sound effects, story, gameplay. Its all there, even if most games emphasize certain elements much more than others. Music in older games is simple, melodic. They didn't have much to work with in 8-bit sound so they had to make it count. Much of this music is very memorable. To this day I still recall Mario, Zelda, and Mega Man tunes that I only heard a handful of times (although let's be honest, I've heard them a lot by now).

Even more interesting is playing a game that hasn't stood the test of time. Some games aren't popular for a reason. Crystalis is an example of an underrated gem but Faria: A World of Mystery and Danger is not. Both tackle similar tropes, but Crystalis wins by far in execution. Neither are perfect games, but Crystalis is infinitely more playable and cleverly designed. Although I'm a big Final Fantasy fan, I enjoyed Crystalis more than the original Final Fantasy--or Dragon Quest for that matter. These two games are infinitely more popular and spawned dozens of sequels. Why is this? Marketing must surely play a part. Sometimes it's not enough to just make a good game, I guess.

I've written a few (currently unpublished) reviews for these games and I think they're reasonably well-written. I've experimented with hosting them online and even spent an entire evening boning up on my CSS to make my own webpage. I long for some sort of creative outlet but despite being relatively pleased with my work I can't help but think that there's no audience for it. I understand that's not the point but I'm at a time in my life where I feel I desperately need validation. It's a little disingenuous to only produce something when you know you're going to get something out of it, but I can't really help the way I feel. It's probably true that I just need to write and create without worrying about whether or not my work will be appreciated. In the end, it's more for me than for anyone else. I'm not performing an invaluable service--yet so much of what I do seems pointless and completely without meaning that it would be nice to be appreciated for something I've done for once.

Every time I've created something people approve of (even if it's just an upvoted post on Reddit), it brings me immense satisfaction. I crave that feeling. Even so, I know instinctively that I can't let that be my primary motivator. I'm extraordinarily narcissistic and I accept that. What I need to learn is how to create things just for my own fulfillment. There's no reason not to share my creations, but I can't let it get me down if no one really cares about what I do. I want to write articles that I find interesting. I don't want to have to worry about whether or not other people find the subject of discussion boring. I would love to stimulate discussions but if I can't do that then so be it.

Season 3 Begins

Well, I don't know if this is the official beginning of Season 3 for League of Legends, but my ELO has certainly been reset, even though the item changes have not gone through yet. As such, I will probably be playing pretty sparingly until those go through and subsequently I familiarize myself with the new items.

However, I have played my first placement match and played an instrumental part in securing the win as--what else?--support. I'm going to take this opportunity to change up the format. Each game will be accompanied by a screencap of the postgame lobby. I think it will be interesting to look back and see all the scores... and all the trashtalk. I'm also going to attempt to break up the posts when the games are on different days, which is something I did very inconsistently during Season 2.

Game #1 (WIN - Unranked) (Support: Taric)

I tried to be optimistic about this game, but I was somewhat worried during champion select for a number of reasons. We had Heimerdinger and Fiddlesticks (jungle) on our team and they had Graves and Katarina, two champions that are well known for pubstomping hard. However, my worries evaporated when Heimerdinger got first blood (with Fiddle's help) and proceeded to dominate his lane. Graves/Nunu proved more formidable a combo than I had previously imagined (seriously, Nunu's ultimate does way too much damage) but we managed to pull through because I am a very experienced Taric and Caitlyn was very strong. She didn't once overextend and kept up with Graves in farm for the most part. She pulled off several hilarious Ace in the Hole kills as well. Overall it was a really nice start to the season; I made sure to honor my teammates as well.

Elo Finale (?)

Game #121 (WIN): I got 5 kills on Janna, haha. I'm really glad I played her because our Twitch was amazingly reckless. No other support would have gotten him out of trouble as effectively.

Game #122 (LOSS): Every lane lost so hard. Nothing I could do.

Current ELO: 1287

Elo Underground

Game #116 (LOSS): Five losses in a row! I'm on my way to 1100, baby! Most farm in the game, snowballed laning phase, Lee Sin 0/3/0 in the first ten minutes (on our team). Pretty much sums it up.

Game #117 (WIN): Actually, that last game was my sixth loss in a row! I finally managed to break the losing streak with some Hecarim jungle. I never realized how strongly he synergized with Lulu. I liked our strong late game team comp: We had Hecarim, Vayne, Lulu, Anivia, and Teemo (ok, not so much on that last one.) We were all able to peel and/or zone for Vayne to keep her safe for the most part. Teemo's shrooms, Anivia's slows and wall, my speed, knockback, and initation tool, and of course Lulu's veritable toolbox of spells. Really fun game.

Game #118 (LOSS): I should really just dodge when someone picks Teemo. I did well in the jungle but it was pointless because we had no team fight since we had AP Teemo.

Game #119 (WIN): I swear to god I win every time I play support. I'm not saying I carried this game, but I certainly helped bottom lane win. Diana going 10/0 in mid lane had nothing to do with me, however. 

Game #120 (LOSS): Played Kennen and won lane against Darius. Everyhing was going according to plan. We had a strong AoE initiation team comp. However, Corki ruined everything with his absolutely appalling map awareness. He was constantly in the front of the team and getting caught. In the last fight, he wasn't even present, y'know, when they were pushing into our Nexus turrets? He kind of just hung back. I hate losing because of stupid shit like this.

Current ELO: 1273

Elo Crevasse

Game #112 (LOSS): Well, Rengar is absurdly OP, but that's not why I lost lane to him. Our Xin Zhao ganked my lane at level 2. He had no Exhaust and no Audacious Charge. Silly me, I assumed he would have his gap closer when he came in for a gank. He baited me into burning both my summoners, completely eradicating my lane pressure. Soon aftewards, Maokai ganks and gives Rengar first blood. Rengar snowballs out of control and I become completely helpless. I stack armor and Rengar rushes a Last Whisper. Xin and Annie refuse to pressure my lane. Rengar tower dives me completely. I have no idea what I could have done.

Game #113 (LOSS): Get two successful ganks on bottom lane in the first 10 minutes. Bottom lane still loses. Yaaaay.

Game #114 (LOSS): Honestly? I don't think I've been playing/practicing enough lately. I'm definitely not playing up to par. I'm not even upset about this loss because I know I could have played a lot better and I was definitely part of the reason we lost. Yes, Graves got caught out in the front of our team, but that was just the straw that broke the camel's back. My game knowledge/decision-making is still pretty good, but mechanically, I played pretty poorly this game. Just need to start hitting it hard again. 

Game #115 (LOSS): I'm kind of just trolling at this point! I went Kha'zix mid and did pretty well in the midgame, but once teamfights rolled around, I couldn't do anything to Malphite + Kayle protecting everyone. :D Of course I was blamed for the loss. I don't really mind.

Current ELO: 1275

Elo Bus

Game #110 (WIN): Season is drawing to a close! I most likely will not be hitting gold, considering the relative infrequency of my ranked games. However, after watching the World Finals (go TPA!), it was refreshing to come back to Ranked and win a game. I played Orianna against Diana. I knew she would have a really hard time killing me without jungler pressure, so I bought plenty of wards. I bought at least 10 during the course of the game, usually 2 at a time to keep my ramps covered. As such, I was fairly safe from ganks. Although we did end up winning this game (and in fact I had a lot to do with it), I was definitely at fault for not exerting more pressure during the laning phase. I can't think of a single time I left the lane to gank, although I did assist Amumu by keeping jungle entrances warded and coming to his aid any time he was in trouble. We managed to clean up in teamfights. Even though they had a Malphite, Command: Shockwave + Curse of the Sad Mummy was too much for them to handle, not to mention Sona's Crescendo. I had the most CS in the game at 190 (at 32 minutes), but I know I can do so much better. I'm probably just a little rusty. Just need some more practice.

Game #111 (LOSS): I didn't want to play Yorick. He's one of the most boring champions in the entire game. I get no enjoyment from playing this champion. What's worse, I was tasked to lane against Nunu, who hardcounters Yorick in pretty much every way I can think of. Nunu has better mana and health sustain, and better range on his primary harassment tool. Addtionally, Yorick has nothing in his kit that can interrupt Nunu's ultimate. Eventually, he just tower dove me whenever he felt like it. Just a miserable, miserable game. 

Current ELO: 1323

Elo Afternoon

Game #108 (WIN): Man, when I play Taric, I love good Graves players. It's just so easy to land kills. it also significantly improves your team's morale when first pick calls support. Good things to take under consideration. I'm pretty sure if I keep playing Taric I'm just going to farm ELO.

Game #109 (LOSS): On the other hand, I very much dislike playing Ashe/Taric. It's an entirely pointless lane. Ashe does not have enough lane pressure to make use of Taric's CC and burst. Ashe needs babysitting in lane, and Janna does that job much better. She really should have picked someone else. She also started with a Doran's Blade and rushed two damage items before grabbing PD or LW. Simply an inexperienced AD carry player; her stats were very misleading. 

Current ELO: 1323