Done Deal (Day 5)

I'm flirting with the idea of writing some kind of fiction again. I don't want to make a big deal out of it, but it would be to fun to come up with characters and write stories about them. I could revisit some old favorites, redo them and update them.. Maybe take bits and pieces from old stories and splice them together into some new monstrosity. I have a lot of past content to draw on and it sounds like a fun thing to do... Still, a lot of my old material is really "high fantasy" and I'm not sure that's exactly what I want to go for. Sure, fantasy is still a pretty compelling area for me, but I think I would definitely go a slightly different way--no elves, dwarves, or dragons. I'd rather make up my own creatures and races so I don't feel boxed in by their traditional requirements.

Sometimes (Day 4)

I have gotta do something about my shoes. My feet have just been in continuous pain the past several days at work and it's beginning to severely grate on me. The length of the shifts is completely tolerable to me, but my feet just hurt so badly. I'm tempted to start wearing my old shoes again (despite them being completely trashed) just so I can get through my work days.

Today was pretty uneventful but a thought occurred to me while I was speaking with a customer. Despite being an introvert (as discussed yesterday), I do crave human interaction. That doesn't really mean that I want to hang out with people all the time, but I love having discussions. These discussions don't even have to be in person, but I love having someone to bounce my thoughts and ideas off of. That's part of the appeal of Twitter to me, but there are only about two people that I regularly speak with. Regardless, two different customers made me think today. I was helping someone with some prepaid phone and I happened to know a lot about the subject since I used to work in Electronics at Walmart--and that's something I miss. I miss being a source of knowledge for people. I like to be able to answer questions and resolve situations. What does that say about me, exactly?

Another customer made me realize how I miss actually relating to people. Its so seldom that I have fulfilling conversations--I crave them. They sustain me and I wish it would happen more often. I have a lot of patience for discussions. If its something that interests me I'll just talk about it all day, but I never get that opportunity anymore. If I have any conversation at all, it's very brief and casual. I miss discussions that would play out over the course of an entire day when I worked at Walmart, with various co-workers. I might talk about Magic: the Gathering with one coworker, or maybe WoW with another guy I was playing with at the time. I just don't have that anymore.

I'm not sure how to fill that void. I'm sure I could find more people to talk to if I was more active on Twitter, or even reddit or League of Legends. I have my foot into a lot of different social networks, but I don't put forth the effort to make new friends. I guess I assume I don't have what it takes to sustain relationships with other human beings. I am as nourishing as a desert. I will forget to talk to people for months at a time because I am deliriously self-absorbed. I don't have any solutions to these problems right now but it's interesting to think about.

Heart of the Sunrise (Day 3)

Things didn't quite go as planned last night, but I did get to spend some time with my good friend Scott, who I haven't seen in several months. I'm an introvert, but I still definitely enjoy hanging out with friends occasionally. It's really just a different experience for me than for some other folks. I can't remember where I heard it, but I remember reading someone detailing the difference between introverts and extroverts when it comes to social interaction. They claimed that everyone unwinds or "recharges" in different ways. Extroverts tend to seek the company of others to relax and feel comfortable, whereas introverts need some time alone to achieve that same level of comfort. I find that's pretty true for me. When I hang out with someone, even if I completely enjoy the time spent with that person, I still feel the need for some time alone afterward, or I feel really uncomfortable.

I hung out with Scott until really late last night, which resulted in me staying up even later for some alone time, so here I am at 6 PM writing this entry when I only awoke an hour ago. I'm sabotaging my sleep schedule, I know, but I've long since given up on trying to wrest any real control over it. After all, I seem to perform best on low levels of sleep, even though that defies logic.

You know what? This writing exercise (as unambitious as it is) is helping me to realize something about my style. It's a little stiff and maybe a little pretentious too. This is something I've realized about my writing for a long time but never worked too hard on fixing. As weird as it sounds, I feel like I have to put forth more effort for my writing to come off as casual and light. If I'm tired of having a hard time concentrating, the effect is worse. Sentences are long, I overuse dashes and parentheticals, and I use a lot of adverbs. It's like I'm overcompensating for something. My good Twitter-buddy Dara mentioned the other day that he enjoys writing that isn't wasteful. Every word should be important and carefully considered. My language is often flowery and not very "to the point." I'm not sure I want my writing to resemble Cormac McCarthy's (his prose is a tad simple for me) but I'm sure there's a happy middleground.

Another thing I could work on is unification of theme and segues. I sometimes have difficulty figuring out where a paragraph should end and how to cycle between topics in a seamless way. In this entry, I go from talking about my personal life and rapidly shift gears to discuss my writing. That's not a big deal because this is basically an exercise, but it's something to think about for the future. 

Tired (Day 2)

My body chemistry doesn't make any sense to me sometimes. Yesterday I worked my standard 10 hour shift on only two and a half hours of sleep. Surprisingly, I made it through the entire day without any incident, and had a pretty decent energy level all day long. Last night, I got a full night's sleep and went in to work a 5 hour shift. Lo and behold, I was exhausted from the beginning to the end of my shift. It's like my body rejects the rejuvenating effects of sleep and punishes me for trying to recharge. I have no explanation for this, except maybe not eating enough lately. I get paid tonight so hopefully I'll be able to stock up (not to mention paying off my overdue bills).

I'm going to try to finish Baldur's Gate tonight and write some more impressions. I'm either going to do a quick replay after that or move on to Baldur's Gate II. Eventually I'm going to have enough money to start buying games again, but for now I'm content to replay some classics and even play some for the first time. I'm pretty bad about following through and finishing these games, but it's always pretty rewarding to do so, even if that game might not have been my favorite. I don't regret finishing Lufia or Faria recently, even though they were pretty mediocre games. It gives me a sense of accomplishment and also some perspective on games in general. 

Alright, I didn't say these entries had to be long or exhaustive. I'm just pushing myself to write a little something everyday. Today, I'm tired, so that's all I've got.

A New Experiment

I've decided to try something new with this blog! It started out as a way to chronicle my League of Legends ranked games, but after Season 2 ended I really lost interest in the idea. I still play LoL a lot but play ranked solo queue a lot less frequently. There's a good chance I'll still touch on it because it's still certainly a part of my life, but it's not going to be the primary focus of the blog (not that it has been for awhile now). What I'm going to do is attempt to start updating this thing daily. I'm not going to be putting out literary articles on a daily basis or anything, but I do want to put out some kind of content, whether it be random musings, blurbs, or anything else I can think of. I just think it will be a good exercise for me. I wrote some video game reviews a few months ago and although I didn't do anything with them, I really really enjoyed writing them. It made me realize how much I still enjoy writing despite never making time for it. So here we are!

I'm going to start out with a little discussion on Baldur's Gate (the original for PC), which I've been playing pretty frequently lately. I played it originally many many years ago and loved it, considering it one of my favorites of all time. After revisiting it, I can safely say that it's still a fantastic game. I'm playing it with a mod that enables you to play the original game with the enhanced Baldur's Gate II engine, which is a really cool experience as well. This is one of those formative games for me--it helped me realize what was possible for the medium as far as storytelling and gameplay goes. Its engrossing to me in a way that most games--modern or otherwise--are not. Dragon Age, touted as BG + BGII's spiritual successor, just didn't impact in the same way. I felt like you were stifled creatively in comparison, but it's completely possible my nostalgia is blinding me. I'll definitely be giving the game another shot sometime down the line.

There are some aspects of Baldur's Gate that have aged. The graphics, even using the Baldur's Gate II engine are pretty primitive. Spell effects are not flashy and the sprites are really low detail, but the fantasy is still totally genuine for me. The way the characters speak, the way party members interact with each other, and even the ridiculously detailed descriptions provided for every single item in the game all create a rich storytelling experience. Sure, some of the dialogue is overwritten or questionable. Dialects can be pretty random--Flaming Fist Soldiers have pseudo-Southern accent, for instance, whereas others will spout Olde English--but there are so many non-player characters scattered throughout the game who have interesting things to say, regardless of whether those things have an impact on the plot.

Baldur's Gate and its sequel, as well as several other BioWare or Black Isle helmed games of the period are set in the Forgotten Realms Dungeons and Dragons campaign setting. I was never a D&D guy. I thought it was interesting, but I never sat down at a table with a bunch of other dudes and put pen to paper to battle dragons. I don't think I had anything against it, necessarily; I just never had the opportunity to pick it up. What I was interested in at the time, however, was the world of Forgotten Realms. Baldur's Gate introduced me to the setting and got me interested. I really enjoyed reading fantasy at the time, so I gathered up every Forgotten Realms novel I could find. I ended up with mostly works by R. A. Salvatore and Elaine Cunningham. It's hard for me to judge the quality of these books so many years later, and I'm sad to say I almost never read anymore--but at the time, I thought they were amazing. Salvatore's works chronicled the adventures of the rogue dark elf Drizzt Do'Urden, the same character who makes an appearance in both the Baldur's Gate games. That connectivity between game and literature was an incredible concept to me.

It's not for me to decide whether Baldur's Gate is art, but it was one of the first games that made me consider the possibility that games could be art. I loved the idea of video games having the richness and complexity of good literature. Even today, I feel games don't often reach that level. I would love to play more games with well-written dialogue, complex characters, and fully realized settings. Baldur's Gate isn't a perfect 10 in any of those categories and in fact in many ways is quite flawed--but I still feel its a seminal release for legitimizing video games as a more serious art form.

These are just some of my impressions without a lot of critical analysis. Baldur's Gate is a really great game but I haven't even touched on a lot of the reasons I find it to be fun. The freedom of customization, exploration, and choice all play a part. The storyline and characters, though good, are second to that. I'm definitely going to touch on this some more tomorrow.

Unrehearsed

It's difficult to write when you don't have much in the way of hopes or ambitions. It's difficult to sympathize with the conflicts of your characters or to craft believable stories for them. There was a time when I truly enjoyed writing and the ideas came easily. My writing was bad, but I did it and wasn't critical of my work. If I'd kept at it maybe my writing would have eventually become good, but it's not and I'm smart enough to realize my shortcomings without being quite wise enough to correct them.

Tropes are important to crafting a relatable story and originality isn't everything. I keep asking myself--do I have something unique to say? Is that important? Maybe it's more important that my characters are real. The question is do I have the capability to craft believable characters when I'm such a husk of a human being myself? Am I really a good enough thinker to create characters that are sympathetic?

For the longest time my only ambition has been to indulge in something creative, whatever that might be. As time passes, I spend less and less time on creative endeavors and just spend more time playing video games and fucking around on the internet. My brain has long since turned to mush and I fear its past recovery. I am dimly aware of incomplete solutions to my problems but lack the motivation to follow up on them.

I'm writing this without looking back to proofread or copy edit. it's kind of liberating, I guess, as I relentlessly police every word that I type. My only rule is that I can't backspace, unless it is to correct a spelling/grammar error. Word choices are permanent. Will this exercise reveal previously hidden aspects of my writing style? Of my personality? Thoughts that linger beneath the surface seldom expressed?

There are so many things that I don't know. Its so difficult to hold a coherent thought. Maybe I have some kind of psychological problem. Maybe I'm overthinking it. I have a tendency to jump to conclusions when it comes to perceived maladies. I try to think logically about these things but it just results in being of two minds about everything. Maybe so, maybe not. It's maddening; it's a wonder I even manage to function on a basic level.

Fire Emblem, Final Fantasy Tactics, and Why I Love Strategy RPGs

For several years now, I've been a devoted fan of the Fire Emblem series. Like many others, I started with the first title ever released in America. I was dimly aware at the time that it was only the latest in a long-running series, but I don't think I would have guessed that despite its unadorned title (simply Fire Emblem) that it was the seventh entry. Criminally, Nintendo of America had been depriving the English-speaking world for years of an amazing series of games and it certainly wasn't the first or last time. Strategy RPGs have traditionally not been bestsellers outside of Japan but the relative success of Final Fantasy Tactics way back in 1998 proved the genre could be successful here. However, strategy RPGs are released pretty infrequently compared to their more traditional counterparts; even during the PS2 era when JRPGs were a dime a dozen, strategy RPGs were sparse.

I wasn't new to the genre even then. Final Fantasy Tactics is one of my favorite games of all time to this day. Despite its glaring flaws, I found it to be an infinitely playable game. The plot was compelling even when marred by a subpar translation, and the customization involved in creating your party and characters was immense. Initially a very difficult game, the system could be pretty easily broken with a little game knowledge. For this reason the hardcore community developed a series of challenges that made the game a lot tougher. Most of these challenges involved sticking to one character class with no secondary abilities, while the more strict trials required the use of Ramza only. It was even completely possible to complete the game with solely Ramza in one class for the entirety of the game. This was possible for almost every class with a little preparation.

Even though Final Fantasy Tactics becomes quite easy with game knowledge, that knowledge only comes from a lot of experience or a lot of research. For a first time player, the game can be extremely tough! I know I'm not the only one that had to restart after being unable to take on Wiegraf 1v1 with Ramza. My Ramza was a Knight and didn't have much in the way of secondary abilities. Unfortunately, I had no way of knowing what was coming up so I got stomped over and over. I didn't keep an alternate save file so that was that.

I figured out what I had done wrong and tried again. The next time I went through, Ramza was a Geomancer and had high movement. I attacked Wiegraf from extreme range and stayed out of his danger zone. With the use of potions I was able to slowly whittle him down. It was an effective strategy, but far from optimal. As I acquired more game knowledge, I came to realize that I could devise a setup that could kill Wiegraf nearly instantly. Even though there was a "best" strategy to take Wiegraf out as quickly as possible, there are dozens of ways to go about it. That's what I found so addictive about Final Fantasy Tactics and a big part of why I love the strategy RPG genre. You have options. There isn't just one way to go about things. You tailor your units, your team, your characters to your specific playstyle.

There are varying degrees of complexity when it comes to strategy RPGs. Fire Emblem definitely falls on the simpler end of the spectrum as far as gameplay goes. Customization is light, especially in older games of the series. What keeps me so enthralled with the series is character. Each main-series entry has an enormous cast of characters to choose from. In fact, there are orders of magnitude more characters typically available to you than you would be able to field in a single mission. This forces you to choose which characters fit your playstyle and that is the main aspect of customization in the series. What's more, each playable character has its own unique artwork and at least some semblance of a personality. And they interact with each other! They have conversations. This is exactly the kind of thing that I love to see in video games. I've always been more of a fan of interaction between characters than the "big picture" aspect of the plot--in video games and any other storytelling media. Fire Emblem gels perfectly with my sensibilities in that regard.

Fire Emblem hasn't always gotten it exactly right. A lot of characters in these games are left underdeveloped, their stories not explored to the extent I would like--but they're getting better and better. The there most recent entries in the series (Path of Radiance, Radiant Dawn, and Awakening) take a great deal of care in exploring the feelings and histories of each and every playable character. I think that's admirable and so enriches the experience for me. Not only do I have an attachment to these characters' statistical growth, but in the growth of their relationships as well.

These aren't the only strategy RPGs I've played (not by a longshot), but they're definitely some of the best. Any game of the genre I end up discussing will invariably be compared to FF Tactics because it's the first one I ever played and serves as the benchmark by which I measure everything else. In the future, I'll try to get into my feelings on the Ogre Battle series, Disgaea, Front Mission, and anything else I can think of. But I'll leave it at this for now.