It's difficult to write when you don't have much in the way of hopes or ambitions. It's difficult to sympathize with the conflicts of your characters or to craft believable stories for them. There was a time when I truly enjoyed writing and the ideas came easily. My writing was bad, but I did it and wasn't critical of my work. If I'd kept at it maybe my writing would have eventually become good, but it's not and I'm smart enough to realize my shortcomings without being quite wise enough to correct them.
Tropes are important to crafting a relatable story and originality isn't everything. I keep asking myself--do I have something unique to say? Is that important? Maybe it's more important that my characters are real. The question is do I have the capability to craft believable characters when I'm such a husk of a human being myself? Am I really a good enough thinker to create characters that are sympathetic?
For the longest time my only ambition has been to indulge in something creative, whatever that might be. As time passes, I spend less and less time on creative endeavors and just spend more time playing video games and fucking around on the internet. My brain has long since turned to mush and I fear its past recovery. I am dimly aware of incomplete solutions to my problems but lack the motivation to follow up on them.
I'm writing this without looking back to proofread or copy edit. it's kind of liberating, I guess, as I relentlessly police every word that I type. My only rule is that I can't backspace, unless it is to correct a spelling/grammar error. Word choices are permanent. Will this exercise reveal previously hidden aspects of my writing style? Of my personality? Thoughts that linger beneath the surface seldom expressed?
There are so many things that I don't know. Its so difficult to hold a coherent thought. Maybe I have some kind of psychological problem. Maybe I'm overthinking it. I have a tendency to jump to conclusions when it comes to perceived maladies. I try to think logically about these things but it just results in being of two minds about everything. Maybe so, maybe not. It's maddening; it's a wonder I even manage to function on a basic level.
Monday, June 17, 2013
Thursday, May 23, 2013
Fire Emblem, Final Fantasy Tactics, and Why I Love Strategy RPGs
For several years now, I've been a devoted fan of the Fire Emblem series. Like many others, I started with the first title ever released in America. I was dimly aware at the time that it was only the latest in a long-running series, but I don't think I would have guessed that despite its unadorned title (simply Fire Emblem) that it was the seventh entry. Criminally, Nintendo of America had been depriving the English-speaking world for years of an amazing series of games and it certainly wasn't the first or last time. Strategy RPGs have traditionally not been bestsellers outside of Japan but the relative success of Final Fantasy Tactics way back in 1998 proved the genre could be successful here. However, strategy RPGs are released pretty infrequently compared to their more traditional counterparts; even during the PS2 era when JRPGs were a dime a dozen, strategy RPGs were sparse.
I wasn't new to the genre even then. Final Fantasy Tactics is one of my favorite games of all time to this day. Despite its glaring flaws, I found it to be an infinitely playable game. The plot was compelling even when marred by a subpar translation, and the customization involved in creating your party and characters was immense. Initially a very difficult game, the system could be pretty easily broken with a little game knowledge. For this reason the hardcore community developed a series of challenges that made the game a lot tougher. Most of these challenges involved sticking to one character class with no secondary abilities, while the more strict trials required the use of Ramza only. It was even completely possible to complete the game with solely Ramza in one class for the entirety of the game. This was possible for almost every class with a little preparation.
Even though Final Fantasy Tactics becomes quite easy with game knowledge, that knowledge only comes from a lot of experience or a lot of research. For a first time player, the game can be extremely tough! I know I'm not the only one that had to restart after being unable to take on Wiegraf 1v1 with Ramza. My Ramza was a Knight and didn't have much in the way of secondary abilities. Unfortunately, I had no way of knowing what was coming up so I got stomped over and over. I didn't keep an alternate save file so that was that.
I figured out what I had done wrong and tried again. The next time I went through, Ramza was a Geomancer and had high movement. I attacked Wiegraf from extreme range and stayed out of his danger zone. With the use of potions I was able to slowly whittle him down. It was an effective strategy, but far from optimal. As I acquired more game knowledge, I came to realize that I could devise a setup that could kill Wiegraf nearly instantly. Even though there was a "best" strategy to take Wiegraf out as quickly as possible, there are dozens of ways to go about it. That's what I found so addictive about Final Fantasy Tactics and a big part of why I love the strategy RPG genre. You have options. There isn't just one way to go about things. You tailor your units, your team, your characters to your specific playstyle.
There are varying degrees of complexity when it comes to strategy RPGs. Fire Emblem definitely falls on the simpler end of the spectrum as far as gameplay goes. Customization is light, especially in older games of the series. What keeps me so enthralled with the series is character. Each main-series entry has an enormous cast of characters to choose from. In fact, there are orders of magnitude more characters typically available to you than you would be able to field in a single mission. This forces you to choose which characters fit your playstyle and that is the main aspect of customization in the series. What's more, each playable character has its own unique artwork and at least some semblance of a personality. And they interact with each other! They have conversations. This is exactly the kind of thing that I love to see in video games. I've always been more of a fan of interaction between characters than the "big picture" aspect of the plot--in video games and any other storytelling media. Fire Emblem gels perfectly with my sensibilities in that regard.
Fire Emblem hasn't always gotten it exactly right. A lot of characters in these games are left underdeveloped, their stories not explored to the extent I would like--but they're getting better and better. The there most recent entries in the series (Path of Radiance, Radiant Dawn, and Awakening) take a great deal of care in exploring the feelings and histories of each and every playable character. I think that's admirable and so enriches the experience for me. Not only do I have an attachment to these characters' statistical growth, but in the growth of their relationships as well.
These aren't the only strategy RPGs I've played (not by a longshot), but they're definitely some of the best. Any game of the genre I end up discussing will invariably be compared to FF Tactics because it's the first one I ever played and serves as the benchmark by which I measure everything else. In the future, I'll try to get into my feelings on the Ogre Battle series, Disgaea, Front Mission, and anything else I can think of. But I'll leave it at this for now.
I wasn't new to the genre even then. Final Fantasy Tactics is one of my favorite games of all time to this day. Despite its glaring flaws, I found it to be an infinitely playable game. The plot was compelling even when marred by a subpar translation, and the customization involved in creating your party and characters was immense. Initially a very difficult game, the system could be pretty easily broken with a little game knowledge. For this reason the hardcore community developed a series of challenges that made the game a lot tougher. Most of these challenges involved sticking to one character class with no secondary abilities, while the more strict trials required the use of Ramza only. It was even completely possible to complete the game with solely Ramza in one class for the entirety of the game. This was possible for almost every class with a little preparation.
Even though Final Fantasy Tactics becomes quite easy with game knowledge, that knowledge only comes from a lot of experience or a lot of research. For a first time player, the game can be extremely tough! I know I'm not the only one that had to restart after being unable to take on Wiegraf 1v1 with Ramza. My Ramza was a Knight and didn't have much in the way of secondary abilities. Unfortunately, I had no way of knowing what was coming up so I got stomped over and over. I didn't keep an alternate save file so that was that.
I figured out what I had done wrong and tried again. The next time I went through, Ramza was a Geomancer and had high movement. I attacked Wiegraf from extreme range and stayed out of his danger zone. With the use of potions I was able to slowly whittle him down. It was an effective strategy, but far from optimal. As I acquired more game knowledge, I came to realize that I could devise a setup that could kill Wiegraf nearly instantly. Even though there was a "best" strategy to take Wiegraf out as quickly as possible, there are dozens of ways to go about it. That's what I found so addictive about Final Fantasy Tactics and a big part of why I love the strategy RPG genre. You have options. There isn't just one way to go about things. You tailor your units, your team, your characters to your specific playstyle.
There are varying degrees of complexity when it comes to strategy RPGs. Fire Emblem definitely falls on the simpler end of the spectrum as far as gameplay goes. Customization is light, especially in older games of the series. What keeps me so enthralled with the series is character. Each main-series entry has an enormous cast of characters to choose from. In fact, there are orders of magnitude more characters typically available to you than you would be able to field in a single mission. This forces you to choose which characters fit your playstyle and that is the main aspect of customization in the series. What's more, each playable character has its own unique artwork and at least some semblance of a personality. And they interact with each other! They have conversations. This is exactly the kind of thing that I love to see in video games. I've always been more of a fan of interaction between characters than the "big picture" aspect of the plot--in video games and any other storytelling media. Fire Emblem gels perfectly with my sensibilities in that regard.
Fire Emblem hasn't always gotten it exactly right. A lot of characters in these games are left underdeveloped, their stories not explored to the extent I would like--but they're getting better and better. The there most recent entries in the series (Path of Radiance, Radiant Dawn, and Awakening) take a great deal of care in exploring the feelings and histories of each and every playable character. I think that's admirable and so enriches the experience for me. Not only do I have an attachment to these characters' statistical growth, but in the growth of their relationships as well.
These aren't the only strategy RPGs I've played (not by a longshot), but they're definitely some of the best. Any game of the genre I end up discussing will invariably be compared to FF Tactics because it's the first one I ever played and serves as the benchmark by which I measure everything else. In the future, I'll try to get into my feelings on the Ogre Battle series, Disgaea, Front Mission, and anything else I can think of. But I'll leave it at this for now.
Monday, May 20, 2013
Unraveling
I'm in a slump. I'm not always unhappy, but what joy I do experience is transient. I'm putting things off in a big way. Important things that very likely could get me out of this slump, even. But I'm experiencing some pretty crippling apathy, an all too common problem of mine. Jobless, single, living at home again. I have aspirations but an unwillingness to pursue them out of fear of failure. Out of fear of trying, even. There is a thin layer of panic in there somewhere but its buried by numbness.
Still, I find ways to occupy my time. I've been finding a LOT of meaningless things to do to pass the time as I sit here in the miserable heat of this room. I've played (and finished) a lot of video games recently. I played a couple of NES RPGs and one for Super Nintendo. It's interesting to play through these games and think about their value in the context of when they were released. I love to see how things are designed. Games have always been really compelling to me because they blend so many different media. Music, sound effects, story, gameplay. Its all there, even if most games emphasize certain elements much more than others. Music in older games is simple, melodic. They didn't have much to work with in 8-bit sound so they had to make it count. Much of this music is very memorable. To this day I still recall Mario, Zelda, and Mega Man tunes that I only heard a handful of times (although let's be honest, I've heard them a lot by now).
Even more interesting is playing a game that hasn't stood the test of time. Some games aren't popular for a reason. Crystalis is an example of an underrated gem but Faria: A World of Mystery and Danger is not. Both tackle similar tropes, but Crystalis wins by far in execution. Neither are perfect games, but Crystalis is infinitely more playable and cleverly designed. Although I'm a big Final Fantasy fan, I enjoyed Crystalis more than the original Final Fantasy--or Dragon Quest for that matter. These two games are infinitely more popular and spawned dozens of sequels. Why is this? Marketing must surely play a part. Sometimes it's not enough to just make a good game, I guess.
I've written a few (currently unpublished) reviews for these games and I think they're reasonably well-written. I've experimented with hosting them online and even spent an entire evening boning up on my CSS to make my own webpage. I long for some sort of creative outlet but despite being relatively pleased with my work I can't help but think that there's no audience for it. I understand that's not the point but I'm at a time in my life where I feel I desperately need validation. It's a little disingenuous to only produce something when you know you're going to get something out of it, but I can't really help the way I feel. It's probably true that I just need to write and create without worrying about whether or not my work will be appreciated. In the end, it's more for me than for anyone else. I'm not performing an invaluable service--yet so much of what I do seems pointless and completely without meaning that it would be nice to be appreciated for something I've done for once.
Every time I've created something people approve of (even if it's just an upvoted post on Reddit), it brings me immense satisfaction. I crave that feeling. Even so, I know instinctively that I can't let that be my primary motivator. I'm extraordinarily narcissistic and I accept that. What I need to learn is how to create things just for my own fulfillment. There's no reason not to share my creations, but I can't let it get me down if no one really cares about what I do. I want to write articles that I find interesting. I don't want to have to worry about whether or not other people find the subject of discussion boring. I would love to stimulate discussions but if I can't do that then so be it.
Still, I find ways to occupy my time. I've been finding a LOT of meaningless things to do to pass the time as I sit here in the miserable heat of this room. I've played (and finished) a lot of video games recently. I played a couple of NES RPGs and one for Super Nintendo. It's interesting to play through these games and think about their value in the context of when they were released. I love to see how things are designed. Games have always been really compelling to me because they blend so many different media. Music, sound effects, story, gameplay. Its all there, even if most games emphasize certain elements much more than others. Music in older games is simple, melodic. They didn't have much to work with in 8-bit sound so they had to make it count. Much of this music is very memorable. To this day I still recall Mario, Zelda, and Mega Man tunes that I only heard a handful of times (although let's be honest, I've heard them a lot by now).
Even more interesting is playing a game that hasn't stood the test of time. Some games aren't popular for a reason. Crystalis is an example of an underrated gem but Faria: A World of Mystery and Danger is not. Both tackle similar tropes, but Crystalis wins by far in execution. Neither are perfect games, but Crystalis is infinitely more playable and cleverly designed. Although I'm a big Final Fantasy fan, I enjoyed Crystalis more than the original Final Fantasy--or Dragon Quest for that matter. These two games are infinitely more popular and spawned dozens of sequels. Why is this? Marketing must surely play a part. Sometimes it's not enough to just make a good game, I guess.
I've written a few (currently unpublished) reviews for these games and I think they're reasonably well-written. I've experimented with hosting them online and even spent an entire evening boning up on my CSS to make my own webpage. I long for some sort of creative outlet but despite being relatively pleased with my work I can't help but think that there's no audience for it. I understand that's not the point but I'm at a time in my life where I feel I desperately need validation. It's a little disingenuous to only produce something when you know you're going to get something out of it, but I can't really help the way I feel. It's probably true that I just need to write and create without worrying about whether or not my work will be appreciated. In the end, it's more for me than for anyone else. I'm not performing an invaluable service--yet so much of what I do seems pointless and completely without meaning that it would be nice to be appreciated for something I've done for once.
Every time I've created something people approve of (even if it's just an upvoted post on Reddit), it brings me immense satisfaction. I crave that feeling. Even so, I know instinctively that I can't let that be my primary motivator. I'm extraordinarily narcissistic and I accept that. What I need to learn is how to create things just for my own fulfillment. There's no reason not to share my creations, but I can't let it get me down if no one really cares about what I do. I want to write articles that I find interesting. I don't want to have to worry about whether or not other people find the subject of discussion boring. I would love to stimulate discussions but if I can't do that then so be it.
Tuesday, November 13, 2012
Season 3 Begins
Well, I don't know if this is the official beginning of Season 3 for League of Legends, but my ELO has certainly been reset, even though the item changes have not gone through yet. As such, I will probably be playing pretty sparingly until those go through and subsequently I familiarize myself with the new items.
However, I have played my first placement match and played an instrumental part in securing the win as--what else?--support. I'm going to take this opportunity to change up the format. Each game will be accompanied by a screencap of the postgame lobby. I think it will be interesting to look back and see all the scores... and all the trashtalk. I'm also going to attempt to break up the posts when the games are on different days, which is something I did very inconsistently during Season 2.
Game #1 (WIN - Unranked) (Support: Taric)
I tried to be optimistic about this game, but I was somewhat worried during champion select for a number of reasons. We had Heimerdinger and Fiddlesticks (jungle) on our team and they had Graves and Katarina, two champions that are well known for pubstomping hard. However, my worries evaporated when Heimerdinger got first blood (with Fiddle's help) and proceeded to dominate his lane. Graves/Nunu proved more formidable a combo than I had previously imagined (seriously, Nunu's ultimate does way too much damage) but we managed to pull through because I am a very experienced Taric and Caitlyn was very strong. She didn't once overextend and kept up with Graves in farm for the most part. She pulled off several hilarious Ace in the Hole kills as well. Overall it was a really nice start to the season; I made sure to honor my teammates as well.
However, I have played my first placement match and played an instrumental part in securing the win as--what else?--support. I'm going to take this opportunity to change up the format. Each game will be accompanied by a screencap of the postgame lobby. I think it will be interesting to look back and see all the scores... and all the trashtalk. I'm also going to attempt to break up the posts when the games are on different days, which is something I did very inconsistently during Season 2.
Game #1 (WIN - Unranked) (Support: Taric)
Sunday, November 11, 2012
Elo Finale (?)
Game #121 (WIN): I got 5 kills on Janna, haha. I'm really glad I played her because our Twitch was amazingly reckless. No other support would have gotten him out of trouble as effectively.
Game #122 (LOSS): Every lane lost so hard. Nothing I could do.
Current ELO: 1287
Game #122 (LOSS): Every lane lost so hard. Nothing I could do.
Current ELO: 1287
Sunday, October 28, 2012
Elo Underground
Game #116 (LOSS): Five losses in a row! I'm on my way to 1100, baby! Most farm in the game, snowballed laning phase, Lee Sin 0/3/0 in the first ten minutes (on our team). Pretty much sums it up.
Game #117 (WIN): Actually, that last game was my sixth loss in a row! I finally managed to break the losing streak with some Hecarim jungle. I never realized how strongly he synergized with Lulu. I liked our strong late game team comp: We had Hecarim, Vayne, Lulu, Anivia, and Teemo (ok, not so much on that last one.) We were all able to peel and/or zone for Vayne to keep her safe for the most part. Teemo's shrooms, Anivia's slows and wall, my speed, knockback, and initation tool, and of course Lulu's veritable toolbox of spells. Really fun game.
Game #118 (LOSS): I should really just dodge when someone picks Teemo. I did well in the jungle but it was pointless because we had no team fight since we had AP Teemo.
Game #119 (WIN): I swear to god I win every time I play support. I'm not saying I carried this game, but I certainly helped bottom lane win. Diana going 10/0 in mid lane had nothing to do with me, however.
Game #120 (LOSS): Played Kennen and won lane against Darius. Everyhing was going according to plan. We had a strong AoE initiation team comp. However, Corki ruined everything with his absolutely appalling map awareness. He was constantly in the front of the team and getting caught. In the last fight, he wasn't even present, y'know, when they were pushing into our Nexus turrets? He kind of just hung back. I hate losing because of stupid shit like this.
Current ELO: 1273
Game #117 (WIN): Actually, that last game was my sixth loss in a row! I finally managed to break the losing streak with some Hecarim jungle. I never realized how strongly he synergized with Lulu. I liked our strong late game team comp: We had Hecarim, Vayne, Lulu, Anivia, and Teemo (ok, not so much on that last one.) We were all able to peel and/or zone for Vayne to keep her safe for the most part. Teemo's shrooms, Anivia's slows and wall, my speed, knockback, and initation tool, and of course Lulu's veritable toolbox of spells. Really fun game.
Game #118 (LOSS): I should really just dodge when someone picks Teemo. I did well in the jungle but it was pointless because we had no team fight since we had AP Teemo.
Game #119 (WIN): I swear to god I win every time I play support. I'm not saying I carried this game, but I certainly helped bottom lane win. Diana going 10/0 in mid lane had nothing to do with me, however.
Game #120 (LOSS): Played Kennen and won lane against Darius. Everyhing was going according to plan. We had a strong AoE initiation team comp. However, Corki ruined everything with his absolutely appalling map awareness. He was constantly in the front of the team and getting caught. In the last fight, he wasn't even present, y'know, when they were pushing into our Nexus turrets? He kind of just hung back. I hate losing because of stupid shit like this.
Current ELO: 1273
Saturday, October 20, 2012
Elo Crevasse
Game #112 (LOSS): Well, Rengar is absurdly OP, but that's not why I lost lane to him. Our Xin Zhao ganked my lane at level 2. He had no Exhaust and no Audacious Charge. Silly me, I assumed he would have his gap closer when he came in for a gank. He baited me into burning both my summoners, completely eradicating my lane pressure. Soon aftewards, Maokai ganks and gives Rengar first blood. Rengar snowballs out of control and I become completely helpless. I stack armor and Rengar rushes a Last Whisper. Xin and Annie refuse to pressure my lane. Rengar tower dives me completely. I have no idea what I could have done.
Game #113 (LOSS): Get two successful ganks on bottom lane in the first 10 minutes. Bottom lane still loses. Yaaaay.
Game #114 (LOSS): Honestly? I don't think I've been playing/practicing enough lately. I'm definitely not playing up to par. I'm not even upset about this loss because I know I could have played a lot better and I was definitely part of the reason we lost. Yes, Graves got caught out in the front of our team, but that was just the straw that broke the camel's back. My game knowledge/decision-making is still pretty good, but mechanically, I played pretty poorly this game. Just need to start hitting it hard again.
Game #115 (LOSS): I'm kind of just trolling at this point! I went Kha'zix mid and did pretty well in the midgame, but once teamfights rolled around, I couldn't do anything to Malphite + Kayle protecting everyone. :D Of course I was blamed for the loss. I don't really mind.
Current ELO: 1275
Game #113 (LOSS): Get two successful ganks on bottom lane in the first 10 minutes. Bottom lane still loses. Yaaaay.
Game #114 (LOSS): Honestly? I don't think I've been playing/practicing enough lately. I'm definitely not playing up to par. I'm not even upset about this loss because I know I could have played a lot better and I was definitely part of the reason we lost. Yes, Graves got caught out in the front of our team, but that was just the straw that broke the camel's back. My game knowledge/decision-making is still pretty good, but mechanically, I played pretty poorly this game. Just need to start hitting it hard again.
Game #115 (LOSS): I'm kind of just trolling at this point! I went Kha'zix mid and did pretty well in the midgame, but once teamfights rolled around, I couldn't do anything to Malphite + Kayle protecting everyone. :D Of course I was blamed for the loss. I don't really mind.
Current ELO: 1275
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