Looks like that cold front I've been hearing about has finally come in. It's absolutely frigid tonight--and here's me with nothing more than a mediocre space heater for comfort. I don't mind all that much though, to be honest. The cold is a little uncomfortable, but at least I can dress warm and huddle up under some blankets. It also helps that I just recently purchased some new warm clothing to wear. I should be set, even if temperatures dip even lower than they are now.
Today was Halloween and work was way busier than I expected. Unfortunately, we were also lacking in coverage. I don't know if everyone asked off for Halloween or what, but man did that holiday not stop people from streaming in and demanding cell phones. I'm glad I got more sales but I was busy from the time I came in to the time I clocked out. We only had two salespeople scheduled for the day and there wasn't honestly a ton of overlap between our shifts. My co-worker was gone by 4 o'clock and I came in at 1. The manager and assistant manager had to help out to process the huge crowd of customers--which is honestly not something they do a lot.
I've been making mistakes at work lately and although I feel I can correct them, I'm worried about what kind of precedent I'm setting. If I keep screwing up, I wonder how much longer my manager (or even the district manager) will want to keep me there. It's something I worry about frequently and it generally puts me in a sour mood. I've been having a tough time in general actually relaxing and being happy lately--for reasons that I can't really ascertain. I'm not eating nearly as much as usual, so I imagine that must have something to do with it. Of course, I'm not getting a lot of sleep either, but that's really nothing new.
I can't think of any job I've ever had where I wasn't worried about getting fired. I so frequently get flustered and screw things up--or worse, I'm just lazy about getting my work done. It's something about myself that I earnestly wish to change, but these things are easier said than done. Suffice to say, though, I'd be devastated if I were to lose this job. It's not an amazing job, but it's honestly probably the best I've ever had. Taking my commission into account, I'm making quite a lot of money--and on part time hours, too! The work is frequently quite stressful and I am tasked on a daily basis with interacting with real human beings in ways that make me uncomfortable. But I don't think I'm going to ever have a job where I'm not required to interact with other people in some way. It's silly to shrink from that responsibility.
I've been trying really hard lately to feel better about myself, but circumstances beyond my control--and ok, some things that are in my control--keep getting in my way. I'm worried about my work performance and the mountain of paperwork I'm required to familiarize myself with in order to be prepared for every ridiculous niche scenario. I'm on disciplinary probation right now for an unreported cash variance--and it happened again tonight! It was only 36 cents and I reported it, called the customer, and fixed the error--but it still happened again. On consecutive nights. That must surely look bad for me. I honestly don't remember it happening at all, but then I never do. It's immensely frustrating how little control I seem to have over my own actions sometimes.
I doubt strongly I'll be fired over a 36 cent cash variance, but it's the pattern of behavior that worries me more. As much as I'd like to believe I can perform my job consistently, I have to wonder how many more times I can screw up before the management decides that enough is enough. I just feel like I have a time limit and that really depresses me.
Friday, October 31, 2014
Thursday, October 30, 2014
Jumble
I have reached level 50 in Final Fantasy XIV and acquired my final dragoon ability. I haven't finished out the story quests and there's a ton of content I haven't experienced yet--but I think it still feels right to take a break from it for now. I may not renew my subscription right away. It's expiring in a few days. I've been devoting a considerable amount of time to the game for a month now and I think it would be nice for me to spend some time on some other games. I still need to finish Bayonetta 2 and maybe work some more on clearing out my backlog. Then again, Smash Bros and Persona Q are both coming out quite soon and I'd definitely rather focus on those.
I am ludicrously tired at the moment and considered at length not writing a blog entry at all. I really don't feel extremely pressured to write these entries anymore. My update schedule is still roughly once a day, but my updates are frequently coming in after midnight these days. One could make the argument that I've missed a couple of days lately. I can't really bring myself to get upset about it, though. If I had more interesting things to write about, I imagine I'd write about them! Then again, maybe I"m not feeling super reflective, even if I am interested in the stuff I'm writing about. After all, I have recently purchased a new console, a whole new wardrobe, and hit my activation quota at the last minute at work today. These are presumably interesting things to write about and things that should excite me--but I'm focusing more on the fact that I am exhausted right now.
My mother finally took her dogs to a shelter today. I've been taking care of them for a long time but never much cared for them. They're all really old dogs and they bark incessantly at all hours of the night. My mother didn't have room for them in her place. It wasn't fair for her to saddle me with the responsibility of taking care of them, but if I were a more gracious person I might have shouldered the burden gracefully. They were not well-trained dogs, though, and there was nothing I could do to change that even if I was capable of training dogs in the first place. They were too old and set in their ways. As a result, the room they stayed in was frequently a smelly mess that I loathed the thought of entering. I'm glad I don't have to deal with that anymore, but I have to admit I feel a little bad for my mother. She loved those dogs and had to give them up because I couldn't handle the responsibility of taking care of them.
Of course, those dogs have also been somewhat a part of my life for years and years, too. It's weird that they're gone now and that I'm partially responsible for it. I never demanded that they be taken away but I heavily insinuated I was unhappy with the situation. It was my cousin that took the initiative to approach my mother about the situation--and she listened to her. I'm still not sure what to make of the situation. In the long run I think it's for the best, but I'm moderately depressed over it even so.
I definitely need to rearrange things in here soon. I think that'll be good for my creative flow. I need to be able to sit at a desk or some kind of table. I'm kind of tired of placing my keyboard in my lap or on my leg. I'd also like to sit a tad closer to my screen, despite the fact that it's already gigantic. I'm not exactly sure how I'm going to do this setup, but I have a few ideas. If it's strictly necessary, I might find a way to haul my desk out of my old bedroom and move it in here. A slightly longer term goal would be to purchase a more comfortable computer chair--and by longterm, I mean probably next month when I get my next commission check. Man, commission is a wonderful thing.
I am ludicrously tired at the moment and considered at length not writing a blog entry at all. I really don't feel extremely pressured to write these entries anymore. My update schedule is still roughly once a day, but my updates are frequently coming in after midnight these days. One could make the argument that I've missed a couple of days lately. I can't really bring myself to get upset about it, though. If I had more interesting things to write about, I imagine I'd write about them! Then again, maybe I"m not feeling super reflective, even if I am interested in the stuff I'm writing about. After all, I have recently purchased a new console, a whole new wardrobe, and hit my activation quota at the last minute at work today. These are presumably interesting things to write about and things that should excite me--but I'm focusing more on the fact that I am exhausted right now.
My mother finally took her dogs to a shelter today. I've been taking care of them for a long time but never much cared for them. They're all really old dogs and they bark incessantly at all hours of the night. My mother didn't have room for them in her place. It wasn't fair for her to saddle me with the responsibility of taking care of them, but if I were a more gracious person I might have shouldered the burden gracefully. They were not well-trained dogs, though, and there was nothing I could do to change that even if I was capable of training dogs in the first place. They were too old and set in their ways. As a result, the room they stayed in was frequently a smelly mess that I loathed the thought of entering. I'm glad I don't have to deal with that anymore, but I have to admit I feel a little bad for my mother. She loved those dogs and had to give them up because I couldn't handle the responsibility of taking care of them.
Of course, those dogs have also been somewhat a part of my life for years and years, too. It's weird that they're gone now and that I'm partially responsible for it. I never demanded that they be taken away but I heavily insinuated I was unhappy with the situation. It was my cousin that took the initiative to approach my mother about the situation--and she listened to her. I'm still not sure what to make of the situation. In the long run I think it's for the best, but I'm moderately depressed over it even so.
I definitely need to rearrange things in here soon. I think that'll be good for my creative flow. I need to be able to sit at a desk or some kind of table. I'm kind of tired of placing my keyboard in my lap or on my leg. I'd also like to sit a tad closer to my screen, despite the fact that it's already gigantic. I'm not exactly sure how I'm going to do this setup, but I have a few ideas. If it's strictly necessary, I might find a way to haul my desk out of my old bedroom and move it in here. A slightly longer term goal would be to purchase a more comfortable computer chair--and by longterm, I mean probably next month when I get my next commission check. Man, commission is a wonderful thing.
Wednesday, October 29, 2014
Adult Things
With all the excitement over the past couple of days, I haven't been nearly as vigilant about exercise and diet. I plan to get back to that starting tomorrow provided I don't spiral unexpectedly into depression. I'd like to do some more cleaning on the house. Having the kitchen as clean as it is is actually quite the boost in my contentment level. I'd like to move a lot of things around in my living room (which is actually where I sleep and spend the majority of my time) but working up the motivation to do so is quite difficult! I have aspirations to move pretty much everything around, which is a huge time and energy commitment.
I'm going back tomorrow after my mini-transformation and I"m pretty curious as to how I'm going to feel with my new clothes/look. It's not as if my paralyzing self-doubt is capable of evaporating at the drop of a hat, but I can only hope that I'll feel a tad more confidence and comfort than usual. This whole thing is a slow process, but I'm committed to it for the long haul. I also really hope I meet my activation quota, because that'll make a pretty significant impact on my next paycheck! Or rather, the one after that one. Still.
Despite everything going on in my life right now, I haven't felt like I've had a great deal to write about. I'm not sure exactly what that means. I write a lot about video games, of course, and I haven't had quite as much time to play them. I'm still working on Final Fantasy XIV and in fact I'm only a level away from the cap--but I could have hit that some time ago under different circumstances. I think I've just been busy and I haven't felt up to completely processing how I feel about everything that's been going on. I think after I go out into the real world and deal with customers all day tomorrow I'll have a better idea of how things are going for me currently.
I talk about my plans, my aspirations, and my dreams on this blog a lot but I don't devote nearly as much time actually following up on them. I think that's something that I did over the past couple of days, even if what I accomplished doesn't seem like much to your average person. I drove to Bowling Green for the first time like someone who actually knows how to drive a vehicle. I shopped for a new wardrobe and got a grownup haircut. These are all milestones for me, as mundane as they are on the surface. I can only hope that these small things I'm accomplishing are a gateway to bigger things--a gateway to becoming the kind of person I always hoped I could be.
Tuesday, October 28, 2014
Delirious
I have been busy today. Of course, I spent some time with a friend last night and we had quite a few beers. This is something I almost never do and I have to say I really enjoyed myself. I'm going to have to make a point of doing it more often. My friend suggested we make it a monthly thing and I don't think that's a bad idea at all.
This morning, my mother and I spent an hour or two completely cleaning up my kitchen. It now looks quite a bit tidier than usual--and it started as a disaster area. The rest of the house still looks pretty rough, but it's certainly a start. I want to take better care of my place, because it seems pretty likely I'm going to be here for awhile. It's important that I'm comfortable in my living space--and also comfortable with the idea of having people over. I don't want to worry about feeling ashamed of my lifestyle. And I kind of have been in the past. I shouldn't just leave it at just cleaning the kitchen, either. My bathroom could really use a good once over and I'd honestly like to completely rearrange the living room. I'm not going to work on that tonight, but it's definitely something to consider for the near future.
The bulk of my day, however, was spent shopping in Bowling Green with my cousin and her daughter. I spent more money on clothes today than I probably have in my entire life--but I think it was worth it. I pretty much purchased an entire new wardrobe. I was growing really tired of just how few clothes I owned that I actually like. Wearing comfortable and fashionable (in my mind) clothes will. go a long way toward bolstering my self confidence. I even went so far as to get the majority of my hair chopped off today. I like the new haircut a lot and I'm planning on experimenting with it a little bit to see what all I can do with it. The way the barber styled it was pretty good, but I can think of a few other things I'd like to try.
All in all, it was a very atypical day for me. I socialized extensively with a couple of my family members, spent money on clothes instead of video games or food, and I got a haircut without being pressured to do so by someone else. I'm really trying to change, but it's a gradual process. I'm hoping that what I accomplished today will expedite things somewhat.
This morning, my mother and I spent an hour or two completely cleaning up my kitchen. It now looks quite a bit tidier than usual--and it started as a disaster area. The rest of the house still looks pretty rough, but it's certainly a start. I want to take better care of my place, because it seems pretty likely I'm going to be here for awhile. It's important that I'm comfortable in my living space--and also comfortable with the idea of having people over. I don't want to worry about feeling ashamed of my lifestyle. And I kind of have been in the past. I shouldn't just leave it at just cleaning the kitchen, either. My bathroom could really use a good once over and I'd honestly like to completely rearrange the living room. I'm not going to work on that tonight, but it's definitely something to consider for the near future.
The bulk of my day, however, was spent shopping in Bowling Green with my cousin and her daughter. I spent more money on clothes today than I probably have in my entire life--but I think it was worth it. I pretty much purchased an entire new wardrobe. I was growing really tired of just how few clothes I owned that I actually like. Wearing comfortable and fashionable (in my mind) clothes will. go a long way toward bolstering my self confidence. I even went so far as to get the majority of my hair chopped off today. I like the new haircut a lot and I'm planning on experimenting with it a little bit to see what all I can do with it. The way the barber styled it was pretty good, but I can think of a few other things I'd like to try.
All in all, it was a very atypical day for me. I socialized extensively with a couple of my family members, spent money on clothes instead of video games or food, and I got a haircut without being pressured to do so by someone else. I'm really trying to change, but it's a gradual process. I'm hoping that what I accomplished today will expedite things somewhat.
Monday, October 27, 2014
Bibbidy Bobbidy
Alright so, this is a blog entry! Today, I worked some hours in a place. I'm stressed about reaching my activation goal at work, but I'm confident that I can reach it in the two days I have left. I know I can do it! According to my friend, Juddy, I type really really well. I'm grateful for his compliment. Anyway, I might as well dispense with the formalities here and come clean. I'm inebriated. I'm not quite at the level where I'm completely coherent, but I'm certainly not as lucid as I would be under normal circumstances.
Of course, I've also broken my tradition again--I didn't update before midnight. But what does it matter, really? No one is reading these entries but me. The only purpose they serve is to further my own goals. I want to become a better writer and I want to become a better person. I feel this blog has helped me to do that--but I should probably attempt to stop adhering so slavishly to my rules. Is it really that necessary? On the other hand, I'd feel like I'm flaking if I didn't update just because I'm drinking with a friend tonight. It's a complicated issue.
I'm trying to be more social. I'm trying to open myself up. Tomorrow, I'm going to go to Bowling Green with my cousin and buy some new clothes. I want to dress nicely and feel better about myself. This is the beginning of a transformation for me, I hope. I want to be the kind of person I dreamed I could be. I can only hope that such a transformation is possible.
I've been playing Bayonetta 2, Breath of Fire II, and Final Fantasy XIV, but that much should be obvious from the previous content of this blog! I'm not sure why I'm repeating myself. I really like the SNES fan translation of Breath of Fire because it does away with what was by far my biggest gripe with the official North American localization of the game. It had a terrible translation--it was bad enough that it significantly hampered my enjoyment of the game. I really enjoyed the game's mechanics and probably would have finished the game the first time I played it--but I lost my save data and thus my motivation. This time I think I'll go the distance--especially since the translation is so much more polished than it was before.
FFXIV is down for maintenance today due to the upcoming ninja job. I'm sure it's going to be ridiculously awesome, but honestly, I should focus more on getting dragoon to level 50. I'm 47 now, so I can't have too much longer to go. I don't want to be just another face in the crowd--but I have to admit ninja sounds super cool. I'll probably try it out for just a few levels at the very least just to familiarize myself with the class/job's mechanics.
Bayonetta 2 continues to be tremendously entertaining--and in fact it's becoming quite challenging. I'm very satisfied with the game so far, but I must admit I've not made a lot of progress. I've got the next two days off--and despite the fact that I have plans for those next two days I'm sure I"ll still have time to play it.
Of course, I've also broken my tradition again--I didn't update before midnight. But what does it matter, really? No one is reading these entries but me. The only purpose they serve is to further my own goals. I want to become a better writer and I want to become a better person. I feel this blog has helped me to do that--but I should probably attempt to stop adhering so slavishly to my rules. Is it really that necessary? On the other hand, I'd feel like I'm flaking if I didn't update just because I'm drinking with a friend tonight. It's a complicated issue.
I'm trying to be more social. I'm trying to open myself up. Tomorrow, I'm going to go to Bowling Green with my cousin and buy some new clothes. I want to dress nicely and feel better about myself. This is the beginning of a transformation for me, I hope. I want to be the kind of person I dreamed I could be. I can only hope that such a transformation is possible.
I've been playing Bayonetta 2, Breath of Fire II, and Final Fantasy XIV, but that much should be obvious from the previous content of this blog! I'm not sure why I'm repeating myself. I really like the SNES fan translation of Breath of Fire because it does away with what was by far my biggest gripe with the official North American localization of the game. It had a terrible translation--it was bad enough that it significantly hampered my enjoyment of the game. I really enjoyed the game's mechanics and probably would have finished the game the first time I played it--but I lost my save data and thus my motivation. This time I think I'll go the distance--especially since the translation is so much more polished than it was before.
FFXIV is down for maintenance today due to the upcoming ninja job. I'm sure it's going to be ridiculously awesome, but honestly, I should focus more on getting dragoon to level 50. I'm 47 now, so I can't have too much longer to go. I don't want to be just another face in the crowd--but I have to admit ninja sounds super cool. I'll probably try it out for just a few levels at the very least just to familiarize myself with the class/job's mechanics.
Bayonetta 2 continues to be tremendously entertaining--and in fact it's becoming quite challenging. I'm very satisfied with the game so far, but I must admit I've not made a lot of progress. I've got the next two days off--and despite the fact that I have plans for those next two days I'm sure I"ll still have time to play it.
Sunday, October 26, 2014
Stumble
The more I play with the Wii U gamepad, the more I get used to it. It's definitely enormous, but I'm starting to feel that it's definitely manageable. It's not nearly as awkward or cumbersome as I'd imagined when I first unearthed it from its packaging.Using it as a secondary TV remote is also a really nice feature.Helpfully, the TV remote functionality is not lost when the Wii U is turned off. I've been using it as my primary TV remote despite its size just because it's ridiculously cool.
I also finally resumed my weightlifting and pushups tonight because the pain has started to subside. I'm sure I'll feel it again with renewed severity tomorrow morning, but I'm glad I'm getting back to it, regardless. I really want to put a lot of myself into this whole exercise regimen. I'm afraid of flaking out as I have so many times before. I don't want that to be me this time. I want to be a better version of myself. I did eat quite a bit more than usual today because I ate Mexican with my mother--but I think eating out occasionally is probably fine. I just shouldn't make a habit of it.
I'm not feeling as energetic as I had hoped today. Exercise does go a long way toward increasing energy levels and mood, but there are a ton of other factors to consider. I'm woefully dependent on caffeine, for instance, and despite downing a 20 oz' Red Bull in the afternoon, I'm still feeling pretty listless in the evening. I'm not sure exactly what the root cause of my lethargy is. Maybe I ate too much. I'm not sure. I really liked what I had at the Mexican restaurant and I didn't think I'd overdone it at the time--but I have been eating very light the past few days. Maybe my stomach wasn't ready for such an extreme change?
The only other thing that was different about today is the fact that I was actually off work--meaning I got a full night's sleep for once! You'd think getting an appropriate number of hours of rest would significantly improve my mood and energy level, but so far it doesn't seem that's been the case. It's entirely possible that I slept for too long, mind you. I don't recall exactly how long I slept, but it could have easily been 10-12 hours. I've read a lot online (and can corroborate with personal experience) that oversleeping has a negative impact on energy level. I can't help it though--I've been exhausted recently with the drastic change in my activity.
Saturday, October 25, 2014
Witch Time
I didn't update before midnight. Doesn't matter. Still counts. My arms still feel like useless slabs of meat, so I again skipped my pushups and weightlifting tonight. And again I went on a breakneck speed run and almost died. I'm sure these exercises will end up being good for me in the long run but I'm basically killing myself at this point. I'm determined to stick to it, though. I want to be something that is... not what I've been for the past several years--and I want to get there in a year's time. I want to climb that mountain. I'll do it! I'll climb the damn mountain!
Anyway, I bought a Wii U today because I've been planning on getting one for awhile and Bayonetta 2 came out today. I was thinking about putting off the purchase, but the GameStop employee I called to ask about it informed me he only had two copies left in stock. I figured this might be my only chance to snag a copy for awhile, so I bit the bullet and grabbed the New Super Mario Bros U bundle Wii U and Bayonetta 2 with it. It's backwards compatible with the Wii so I can still use it to help me clear out my Wii backlog--and of course I need it for Super Smash Bros, which is coming out quite soon. I can only hope there'll be more quality titles for the console, but I am reasonably satisfied with my purchase even if that doesn't end up coming to pass.
Bayonetta 2 is a frenetically paced action game much in the vein of its predecessor. I'ts been a long time since I played the original, but the gameplay seems almost identical--which is fine, because I felt the original formula was ludicrously successful. Combat is fast and hard-hitting. The player is rewarded for timely dodges with Witch Time, a mechanic that slows down enemies and speeds up Bayonetta herself, allowing her to pepper her opponents with blows before they can even react. Unleashing devastating combos on your angelic foes while flipping around and dodging their strikes is extremely satisfying, especially when you consider the precision of the controls. The combat never feels awkward or clunky.
Of course, Bayonetta herself is the same as always. Her distinctive hourglass figure, British accent, and skintight suit made of her hair all return--except this time the hair on her head has been transformed into a something much shorter. I preferred the ridiculously long hairstyle from the previous game (which melded into her suit) but I can respect Platinum's desire to explore new themes. I read online that Bayonetta's central color in the first game was red, whereas they wanted to emphasize blue for the sequel. Cutting the hair short is just another way to make that design stand out from the previous one, I guess.
I'm not very far in yet so I don't know what else about Bayonetta 2 differs from its predecessor, but I'm enjoying it a lot so far. Even just two hours in, I've already had several very challenging fights. This is definitely going to be one of those games I can't just breeze through. This makes my backlog cry, but I can't say I'm disappointed.
Anyway, I bought a Wii U today because I've been planning on getting one for awhile and Bayonetta 2 came out today. I was thinking about putting off the purchase, but the GameStop employee I called to ask about it informed me he only had two copies left in stock. I figured this might be my only chance to snag a copy for awhile, so I bit the bullet and grabbed the New Super Mario Bros U bundle Wii U and Bayonetta 2 with it. It's backwards compatible with the Wii so I can still use it to help me clear out my Wii backlog--and of course I need it for Super Smash Bros, which is coming out quite soon. I can only hope there'll be more quality titles for the console, but I am reasonably satisfied with my purchase even if that doesn't end up coming to pass.
Bayonetta 2 is a frenetically paced action game much in the vein of its predecessor. I'ts been a long time since I played the original, but the gameplay seems almost identical--which is fine, because I felt the original formula was ludicrously successful. Combat is fast and hard-hitting. The player is rewarded for timely dodges with Witch Time, a mechanic that slows down enemies and speeds up Bayonetta herself, allowing her to pepper her opponents with blows before they can even react. Unleashing devastating combos on your angelic foes while flipping around and dodging their strikes is extremely satisfying, especially when you consider the precision of the controls. The combat never feels awkward or clunky.
Of course, Bayonetta herself is the same as always. Her distinctive hourglass figure, British accent, and skintight suit made of her hair all return--except this time the hair on her head has been transformed into a something much shorter. I preferred the ridiculously long hairstyle from the previous game (which melded into her suit) but I can respect Platinum's desire to explore new themes. I read online that Bayonetta's central color in the first game was red, whereas they wanted to emphasize blue for the sequel. Cutting the hair short is just another way to make that design stand out from the previous one, I guess.
I'm not very far in yet so I don't know what else about Bayonetta 2 differs from its predecessor, but I'm enjoying it a lot so far. Even just two hours in, I've already had several very challenging fights. This is definitely going to be one of those games I can't just breeze through. This makes my backlog cry, but I can't say I'm disappointed.
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